It should be easier this time... #62

[AliSuddenly]

Hey K.. how is your weekend? What about Kats post though?...

I think what we are all trying to say on our own way is don't be angry when you talk to him, be pleasant and engaging. If you are having a hard time putting aside anger and hurt so is he. There is a lot of finger pointing going on and with no one willing to change, the cycle will continue.

Be the one to break it. Hugs.

kat
PS, I am NOT trying to upset you, just maybe trying to get you to see the sun from another perspective.

What do you think? Could you set your anger and hurt aside more and just be light and chatty with him, be the bigger person? (as I have had to as you know.. in SPADES...and he still has an ow!!)

Or is it just all too late for that?? Time to draw a line in the sand? Its 2nd May today. Its Pluto square Venus and is said to be a very "black and white" weekend, no grey areas!

xxx

[Kalni]

Anger and hurt are aside regarding the past. I get angry and hurt AGAIN everytime I see the previous behaviour repeated. Which I hope you understand is different. No, I cant be the bigger person again as you call it. I AM the bigger person all along and responding to his actions or non actions is only to be expected and reasonable and human. I repeat, I am not Mother Teresa and dont believe in the theory of letting people hurt you all over again (turn the other cheek). I was "beaten" to death here.
K

[naej]

Maria, (((())))

I agree, after all the back bone is what keeps us standing upright.
I guess everyone is just trying to find a new way of problem solving, they /we all want your happiness.

I think one of the dangers of "sucking it all up" in the hope they will eventually,maybe, whenever they are ready come back to the marriage fully committed to it, is eventually our resentment rears it head at how we allowed ourselves to be treated.
I know Ali, pride goeth before a fall! but if we don't respect ourselves no one will.There is a difference.

Maria, only you know how much stuckness you will tolerate.
We all support you whatever.

[AliSuddenly]

Ah well then thats where we differ, because I do believe in turning the other cheek and I am maybe too passive, but to not do so in MY sitch, I would regard as "cutting my nose off to spite my face".. but in your case, you have to look at what you would be getting at the end of all of this and you have described your M yourself in ways which make us all wonder if its really worth it, as he has given you so little, sadly. But I dont agree about this respecting ourselves.. you could tell that to every person on the boards, then there would be noone left DBing if we were all rose up and say "I'm not putting up with this".. thats maybe a personal decision and not a DB principle! Personally though, I'm not sure DBing really works anymore.

But yes, Naej is right, we are just trying to offer help or different solutions for you. Or, give up hey. Either way, we support and love you !!

[Kalni]

Ali,
you seem to forget yor sitch is not at where I am. I've told you before, imagine he is "back" and he treats you the way H treats me. Imagine he stays in contact with Helen, contact you know nothing of, imagine he avoids you and hardly ever talks to you, imagine being in your home with a person that always is sleepy, tired etc. Imagine NOT hearing one nice word from him, not a word like "my love, sweetie, my Maria, baby" or whatever you guys use, imagine sleeping in the same bed for at least 10-15 times and he turns your back on you every single time... What would you do?

I am listening. And while I struggle to come to a decision/conclusion your thoughts do help. And I DO believe that Piecing is much harder than standing, and to be able to stand, something muct be there, something I dont feel from him. He just wasnt ready.
K

[john210]

Good afternoon Maria,

Just reading along before I get out of here for a day in the country....

You are struggling to come to a decision and I (maybe we) are struggling to figure out your H:

A) Is he clinically depressed?
B) Does he feel (like you) that you are family?
C) Is the other woman still in the picture?
D) Does he love his work more than his family?
E) Is he pushing you to pull the plug so he will feel less guilty?
F) Are you the meanest person in the world?

I can go on for a while.....bottom line.....you need to decide the pros and cons and then act accordingly. I think by now, you know what he can bring to the table. Is it enough? You either settle...cut the ties or God forbid stay in limbo.....

I have come to the conclusion that your expectations of him are too high. I said of him...not of a "regular" husband.

[AliSuddenly]

No I agree with you.. thats why I said.. in MY sitch. And yes.. he came back before he was ready.

But I agree with John, you have high expectations, because he came back (but then you acknowledge and know that is immaterial, as he was probably not ready to as you say). So, I said before, so what if be is back and giving you nothing, does that stop you being loving toward him? Does it make you different to any of us who have to lower our expectations until this phase of our lives (their lives?) is done?

My ex isnt EVEN back, I dont even get to lie in bed with him with his back to me, no, he has never called me my love, baby, nor does he tell me about his R with Helen and how often he contacts her, which is ongoing.. but so what? Have I gotton angry at him? Am I resentful? Do I not continue to be patient and forgiving and hopeful that we will come through this? Remain optimistic and loving toward him? Give him time?

I feel that we cant know what your H's agenda is, only help you with yours! If we are helping, that is !!

Seriously, do you love this man?? We are all trying to help you, but is he what you really want??

[Kalni]

So, I said before, so what if be is back and giving you nothing, does that stop you being loving toward him? Does it make you different to any of us who have to lower our expectations until this phase of our lives (their lives?) is done?

Hmmm YES? It does stop me.
Ali, I give up. Are you telling me I should be happy with what I get? Listen, what each of us does/accepts/forgives is our own business. I've said so before, there are people here their Ss are separeted & divorced, remarried and they are stuck to the past hoping their Ss will divorce the new woman/man only to come back to them and live happily ever after. To me, and that's why I dont post to those people, not to sound discouraging, that's bullshit. It's total crap and the borderline to insanity.

How many people do you know that their partners naver came back? Well, I know a lot. Even on this board, we said the statistcs are pretty lame.

Lower expectations when your S is away because he OWES you nothing. Because he separated his life from you, because having expectations from someone that isnt in a relationship with you is insane. Tha's what this forum says. DONT have expectations, GAL, live your life and if/when they come THEN you see what you will do. I dont remember reading anywhere that expectations should be zero once you are in a relationship. WHY? Just to be able to say you have a H or a BF? I value myself more. Sure if there was any progress I would feel difefrently. But...

In my case, all the books I've read, the MC we had, himself even agreed that unless BOTH people do their share, this relationship is doomed. Loving towards him? I've got to smile with this.

Does anyone on this board dreams they Hs/Ws coming back to live in a shitty relationship, lacking all the things that should be there? Have them back at any cost? If that's what you are prepared to accept for a relationship with your man that's fine with me. But it's not what I want.

I am not DBIng anymore to WIN him back. Remember? He CAME BACK. Now it's time for him to give, try, work his ass off to make this work just as much as I am/have beem/should be. I am NOT desperate.

Lower expectations? Seriously? How does that make me different than al of you? Well, my H is back, that's what is different. He is not doing what he should be and he should be doing a lot of things. He had 7 months he only used to make me feel rejected again. Period.

naej said something about respect ourselves. I think you missed that point.

I owe my H the fact that when he left me, I realised what I had was not a healthy, fullfilling relationship. He opened Pandora's box.

Ohhh, you really can push my buttons sometimes. I wish you were here and I would pull your hair
K

[Kalni]

John,
I can only make assumptions and I am not doing that anymore. I see results. Actually I dont see any. If he wished to tell me all these things I would gladly listen.
K

[addie]

Kalni, I do agree that Piecing is MUCH different than standing for the M. While we are in the midst of the S (physical or otherwise), we gradually learn to have "no" expectations and try our best to "act as if". Once the Piecing stage begins, all the feelings of anger, resentment that have been buried for soooo long rear their ugly head. These feelings must be dealt with and not just buried again. Also it is very natural to develop expectations during Piecing especially after all these months as in K's sitch. The issues need to be dealt with.

K - I don't know how long you can go on ignoring all the things you would like to see in a R. Only you can decide that. I understand how difficult it is to end it. I also find myself in limbo but have no intention of pulling the plug just yet.