Magnificent

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Mish.. yay!!! Glad you are going to try and get a differnet career, thats brilliant.

On the think lightly.. she means, dont hold onto the thoughts so tight, dont think too deeply, dwell on it or think about it so much from every angle.. so, not just brush it off, as we cant at the moment, this IS a stressful or emotional time for all of us here. But you can let yourself thikn about it, just lighter, not so deeply..?

Lastly, you said something that really resonated with me, as I was EXACTLY where you were...

"There are things I have accepted in this life and one of those is that I will be burdened by this pain for the rest of it. How I choose to deal with it is what's most important."

You know I have had things happen to me and some other stuff, at 17/18 that lead to some fears and pretty controlling behaviour (of myself and my environment).. well, I too got to a place of being resigned to taht fate.. this is me now, I have been this way for 20 years, I'm never going to change.. BUT.. I did.

I read that we can change and let go of learnt behaviours, either through a tonne of therapy, or a terrible shock/loss. For me, I felt all those fears lift off my body over the course of 2 days, at the first bomb and I am now 98% free of it.

I wanted to tell you, that I would NEVER have believed that that was possible. I had BF's and BFFs talk to me over the years, acupuncturists and a little therapy, but nothing even scratched the surface of my deep rooted fears and feelings and lack of trust in people.. but.. its all gone Mish. I feel normal again.

So I dont know what it would take for that to happen to you, but I just wanted to give you hope that is IS possible. You dont have to necessarily be resigned to a lifetime of feeling that way, you can let it go.

I also realise that I did things to hold onto it myself.. my BFF said to me, I dont understand why you are holding onto all that, 17 years later (before the bomb) and it made me feel uncomfortable as she was saying it was my choice to still feel that way, whereas I had thought I had no choice, it was a consequence of what had happened to me. But she was right.

I acted in certain ways and held onto certain thought patterns that perpetuated it. I had got so used to being a certain way and was afraid to stop it and just be normal. But my fears were groundless.

SO I wondered, do you think there are things you do, that keep you in that place?? Are there small steps you could take to let go of the behaviours that keep the old Mish feeling that way and let the new Mish emerge like out of the skin you have outgrown?

And I agree with Donna.. I dont see what you see and am mystified by your descriptions of yourself. I've said before, you are strong and intelligent and BEAUTIFUL. Absolutely, I would swop my saggy round face for your amazing cheekbones and bone structure any day !!!

xxx