Newly separated...spouse left, 3rd thread

[antlers]

Antlers-

Sorry I was away for a while. Didn't mean to leave you hanging. I'm glad others were hear to give you support. I was where you are 4-5 months ago. I know it's bad. It will get better. It will. Just hang in there and take it day by day, or if a day is too much, hour by hour.

I accept the fact that the old marriage is dead...I don't want it. I want a new marriage...I just want it to be with her.

I think she means that she and I have no future together...period. To her, it has nothing to do with 'old' or 'new' she or I.

I think she means she's not coming back to me...period.

You're right, she doesn't know the new me that I'm gonna become. She knows the 'new me' so far, and says she dislikes that one worse than she does the old me. She said that if I became the best man ever, that she still wouldn't want anything to do with me...because she still see's the same person that treated her the way she was treated.

She only knows how I was...and she hates me for that. She doesn't know how I am now because we haven't been together for 5 months. She says she can't stand the way I am now. I don't understand that! I have gotten totally rid of my anger and resentment that caused the majority of our problems. I don't understand why she dislikes the 'new me'.

Just try to realize, she needs to be alone right now. She can't see you in any way other way right now. Her fear won't let her, and her fear can't subside until she gets time away, maybe quite a bit of time. Her fear thinks anything you're doing is just a trick to try to get her back. She has no idea how she'll think about you or anything else once her fear is gone, because it's dominating her every thought and action right now. No one knows what the future will bring, just concentrate on you right now.

Do you think so? A long process? After last night...I 'feel' like I'll be getting served pretty soon! I could use the freedom and time to work on me, but it's hard for me to view it as a gift! And I don't feel any 'freedom'! I feel like I'm a prisoner of my memories, a prisoner of the loss of my hopes and dreams, a prisoner of the loss of my nuclear family, etc. I want to work on me, and make positive changes that are permanent. I need to be more compassionate, I think, first and foremost. I really haven't 'seen' and 'felt' myself changing into a better person...although I know that I am better now. I definately am learning some things, good things, as a result of the work I'm doing. Nothing mystical though. I have to do it for me...there is no 'her' anymore...as she made it clear last night. How can she like him and get to know him if we are divorced and have NOTHING to do with each other...as she wants?

I really relate to that. I felt like a prisoner of my memories and hopes and dreams too. I'm sorry you are going through this. It will get better.

How slow is the process in Oklahoma? I'll try...but I'm already crushed and anxious at just the thought of it! Just the idea that she would do it is devestating to me! She did make her escape...it was a well thought out plan. What do you mean by "she wants to make sure she never goes back to that place that left her so unhappy"? She left...she's gone! Could you explain your point? I validated her feelings and statements...I don't think I made her think I was trying to get her back to that place...but I could feel and hear her temperament change during the conversation several times. If she let her guard down for a nanosecond...she immediately attacked with a fury! She made it clear to me that she has her freedom! I have no control at all over her. She knows I can't 'recapture' her. She's made it clear that she's happier than she's been in 15 years! She says that even people at work notice how happy she is; and she says just the thought of me, or the sight of me...makes her nauseated and angry! Hard to imagine, in light of present circumstances, that we'll ever be together! I'm really sad at that thought. We invested nearly 2 decades in this marriage. I want her to love me like she once did, and have that be her motivation...'if' it ever happened.

Again, I meant that her fear is ruling her right now. She wants to make it crystal clear to you that you need to leave her alone. Anything you say, or just the sight of you, or even thought of you provokes her fear to lash out. That can't last forever. No one can maintain that level of intense fear for long, especially if the cause of the fear is removed.

If it helps at all, I had a phone conversation with my W a couple months ago very similar to the one you describe. She ripped into me something awful. Said truly vicious things. I felt terrible about myself for several days afterwards, but I slowly felt better. Just two months later, we're doing things together as a family, my W is almost always nice and kind to me, and I feel there may be hope for us, but I also know I'll be okay if we end up apart.

I can't stand the thought of getting a divorce. 1 in 6 huh? That's a whopping 16.5%! I know it happens on rare occasions...but divorce usually means, for the overwhelming majority of people, as a final door slamming shut and being locked forever.

I was just giving the divorce statistic as an example of something even as final as a divorce not being final. She hasn't filed yet, and even if she does, many divorces are filed but never finalized. But you can't control that, you can only control you right now.

That's easy to say, but incredibly hard to do! Why is it so hard to just 'allow' things to happen instead of trying to 'force' things to happen? I find myself wanting to call her, or write her a letter, or text or E-mail...WHY? I know that words, no matter how carefully crafted, have NO EFFECT at all on her right now!

Please tell me about 'going dark' and 'dropping the rope'? Not saying I'm gonna do either of these...just want to know more about these strategies.

I HAVE TO LEAVE HER ALONE!

WHY DO WE WANT TO KEEP ON TRYING TO TALK TO THEM? WE KNOW THAT IT WILL NOT MAKE THINGS BETTER RIGHT NOW!

This is an important point that took me a long time to finally understand and embrace. If you love her, give her what she wants, which is her freedom. If you have to, think of it as just for now. One thing is for absolute sure. Right now, and for the near future, she wants to be left alone. No doubt about that. The fact that you want to keep trying to talk and plead and convince is actually very unloving and selfish because it's all about you. It's incredibly hard to stop trying to force things because you want your pain to go away, I sure understand that. She's made it totally clear how she feels right now. Respect her wishes. Let her go. That's the only way she's giving you to show her that you love her, so take it. Be strong for your kids. No matter how angry she is at you, she knows the kids need you, and if you're a good and solid father, she'll respect you for it.

Going dark means not initiating any contact with her at all, except for what's absolutely necessary for the kids, and try to do that with text messages and e-mail. Keep them short and to the point.

It might help to give yourself a deadline, say one month. For one month, go dark, let her go, just work on you, be a good father. Then once the month is up, re-evaluate how you feel, and how her interactions with you are. If everything is exactly the same, try one more month. Eventually SOMETHING will change. Her fear and anger will reduce at some point. I'm not saying things will be great, but some change is likely.

Keep taking it day by day!

That's a great thing about this board...there are others here to give us support! You were! Hard to imagine, right now, that things will get better. It is bad. That's all I can do...day-by-day.

I know she needs to be alone. She's been alone for nearly 2 and 1/2 months already, and things have gotten worse during that time! Her anger and hatred are increasing, and now she's saying the things that I mentioned earlier! She says that I'm just manipulating people and that she can see right through me! I'm not. I don't know if its fear, or anger and hatred, that is dominating her every thought and action right now. She has told me what the future will bring, and it's not good for me! I hope you are right.

Everything I said is how I really feel, and I hope those painful emotions will subside.

Again, I'm not sure if its fear, or anger and hatred that's ruling her right now. She has made it crystal clear that not only does she want me to leave her alone, but that she wants absolutely nothing to do with me...ever! She lashes out alright...with hatred and anger and resentment! I hope it subsides.
I feel bad about myself too, and I haven't started feeling better yet. Did she say the kinds of things that my spouse said to me? Hard to imagine, right now, that we'll ever do things as a family again...or that she'll ever be nice and kind to me...she moved out in February. Hard to have any hope right now, but I still do, and I don't know if its false hope or not! I want to be OK if we end up apart.

I know that my thoughts, feelings, and actions are things that I have control over. A divorce does seem final to me, although I know there are exceptions.

I want to leave her alone, I really do...it's just hard. I'm afraid, I mean, her hatred and anger and resentment is increasing! Thanks for pointing out to me how selfish and unloving it is to do this! I do love her, and hopefully that perspective will help me to do what I need to do, which is to leave her completely alone. I'll try even harder to respect her wishes. "That's the only way she's given you to show her that you love her"...now 'that' might help me more than anything I've read or done so far! Thanks. Hopefully, things will get better between the kids and I...and she will respect me for that.

Going dark sounds like an appropriate strategy right now...what do you think...in particular, regarding the communication between us?

Well, I'm ready for some change in this mess, I just want it to be change for the better. Thanks for your efforts so far.