German wife still foggy

[PortlandDad]

Journaling:
The W called me yesterday and wanted to talk. She was in a bit of a snippy mood. I asked her if she was still resolute in her coming back home and working on the M. She said that she didn't know. I asked her what she meant and she said that she didn't know if she still wanted to come home or not. I asked what it was that was giving her 2nd thoughts and she said that it was her fear that things would go back to being the same. I told her that it wouldn't be the same because the things that she had complained to me about were fundamentally changed. I asked her if she had made any plans and she said that she had packed a few things, but she hadn't talked to the dealer about her car because he hadn't called her back.

I started getting a little irritated and asked her if she still wanted to talk about the book that I sent her. She said that she didn't want to do that right now. I said fine. By this time I was getting really irritated, so I told her that I wasn't going to tolerate lies or dishonesty any more. It is disrespectful to me and I won't have it. She softened a little and asked how I thought she was lying to me. I told her that even a fool could see what is going on here. She didn't press on for an explanation. I told her that if she wanted to be with me and our family that she would need to be a lot more transparent to me.

Before I hung up with her, I told her that by next Saturday she had to tell me the exact day, flight, and time that she would be coming back on. I had meant to tell her the consequence of not getting this information (that I would file for a contested divorce), but it didn't seem warranted as she agreed to do it. She hung up saying that she was going to a dance club with a GF and needed to go get ready. I was shaking when I hung up with her.

She called me about 3 hours later from the club. She let me talk briefly with her GF. Then she called me again about 3 hours later when she got home from the club (2 AM her time). I guess she really took the transparency thing to heart!

That conversation was about as anti-DBing as I've ever had, but I think it had the desired effect.

I felt good yesterday: took the kids shopping at the mall. The weather wasn't nice enough to take a drive up the gorge, but maybe today it will be better and we can go take some pictures of the wildflowers.

Hope everyone else's week is going well and hope your DBing efforts are paying off!

[bluerain]

Wow, sounds like you have had a good weekend! It does seem like the transparency talk worked. Maybe now is a good time to talk to a DB coach, just to make sure that you have a plan.

I think that her fears are pretty normal to say that shes nervous that the changes arent going to last, but thats where you need to come in and really change. Anybody can fake changes for a few days, weeks, maybe even months, but eventually you have to believe that a person isnt just putting on an act, this is who this person really is now. Keep posting on here, maybe even go over to the piecing forum, now the hard work starts! Stay patient, it took time for things to get to where they were, its going to take time to fix!

[smith18]

Hey PD - If you have never hiked it before, Dog Mountain in the gorge on the Washington side is beautiful this time of year with lots of flowers blooming.

[PortlandDad]

Thanks Kerry. The kids and I want something to do this weekend, and that sounds like it might be right up our alley! It was either that or Multnomah Falls, and we did that one last year, but didn't make it to the top on account of my W not being physically able. Ironically, when the OM came out last October, she made it all the way to the top with him...

bleh, I suppose I could have done without conjuring that image up...

[jaguilar]

PD!

I was thinking of taking the kids out for a trail walk this weekend too. It's not the mountains out in your neck of the woods but in the hill country. It's supposed to rain, hope it doesn't.

[mlb1976]

I think drawing the line like you did was called for PD. You know after i booted my W out of the truck after the casino thing, she didnt touch that cell phone the rest of the week that i was with her.
im going to hit the zoo with my little one this weekend, this will be her first trip to it, should be interesting.

[PortlandDad]

Hey mlb, yeah I think it was a good thing too. It may have been a temporary thing, but it was positive.

I'm actually going to take the kids to Multnomah Falls this weekend. We are going to the top or Bust! I'm going to take some pics and send one or two to the W when we get back. It should be nice.

And speaking of the W (and I was), tomorrow is the big day. I haven't journaled about my sitch lately, but tomorrow is the day that she is supposed to do the big reveal. She is supposed to tell me the day, time, and flight number that she is arriving on. I have only had snippets of conversation with her this whole week and my S has tried repeatedly to get a hold of her to no avail. When I have talked to her, she has said that she has been out and about selling stuff, giving stuff away, packing and whatnot. Not sure if I totally believe her, but whatever. I have had little conversation with my MIL, who since she now has a job says she doesn't have much contact with my W, but she still does forward all the messages that I send to her on to my W. For now, she is acting as my unwitting spy in all this, but that is another story.

So anyway, I am really nervous about what is going to happen tomorrow. I have really been over-thinking this, I am sure. If she follows her historical precedent, she will say that she isn't ready and she wants more time, or she will say that the preparations are taking longer than she expects and that she needs more time. Of course, she could just out-and-out say that she isn't coming home at all.

On the other side of the coin, she could give me the info and really be on her way back. It is so hard to read what she may do that I just don't know what to expect. I feel like I'm on an episode of "Let's make a deal": do I get the car or the goat?

She is still stand-offish: doesn't say any nice things to me, only professes love for the kids, etc. I am continuing to DB, with the notable exception that I am pressing hard for her to come back. I have told my MIL (and by way of her forwarding everything, my W also knows) that if she gives me the goat tomorrow that I am going to talk to the L and get the D engine fired up. Any foot-dragging on her part now will cost her her kids (I'm told judges don't look to favorably on Sps that flee the country with their lovers when it comes time to award custody). Maybe it's completely unwarranted, but given her behavior and lack of contact lately, anything is possible.

I just know that I won't be able to sleep tonight; but then again, I haven't slept a day this week yet, so, meh...

Am I being too unreasonable or intransigent here?

[jaguilar]

I think you've handled this whole sitch as best as you can, considering all that has happened to you and the kids. She has to give you guys an answer, its put up or shut up time. You guys need to move on too.

Ferrari...THINK FERRARI!

[mlb1976]

Man, think about that situation for a second. Outside looking in, i would guess you to be a nervous wreck with the idea of change. I mean all the hard work and dedication is coming to a head (hopefully).
You have drawn the line and said that you are ready to proceed with the D if she forces your hand, those are all huge life changing steps, either scenario.
I think at some point, that it is ok for you to say "ive put in my effort, its your turn." But thats just me.
Whatever way this plays out, i wish you the best my friend. Hope she has that flight info for you.

Its a big change for both of you. Ive been so focused on the changes ive been making i havetn even thought about what i would do if she told me to come home. God Bless PD, get some sleep.

[MrBond]

PD,

I am just a little concerned about your ultimatum. I think that may be the thing that is causing her some anxiety too. I can see how she would be scared of coming home if you're going to lord over her.

The last time you did that, didn't you have a GF or someone you had an EA with? I fear that if you don't let her come back on her comfort level, she's going to blame you for "forcing" her to come back because of the "or else" tone.

I understand that you're getting frustrated, hell we all are in our sitches. But if the roles were reversed, I think you wouldn't want to come back if you thought your spouse was going to keep bringing up your leaving the family. It may not happen, but the "fear" is there.

Good luck my friend. Let's see how tomorrow plays out.