WAW1

[markhaving probs]

Hi J,

I can see where you are coming from, it looks like I do not have anything specific for her. In actual fact the books are for her exclusively and she reads them to my son. I have sat them down this morning and asked them what they would like.

After PM's 'awesome post' I can see the path I need to take now, which is going to be given my complete focus and it also provides solution orientated goal(s) and solutions.

[JCJ]

Yay, I'm so happy for you keep up that PMA!

[PositivelyMommy]

Hey Mark,

I really really like your anticipations list. That's really terrific. You are SO on the right track. Now give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for being an awesome dad. Keep it up and parenting will be a breeze for you as you're such a quick learner.

You also asked me two very thoughtful questions, they are very good ones. I think lots of people have these on their minds as well.

Firstly as per schedule. I wouldn't ask for HER diary of movements per se. If I were you, I would ask for a copy of the KIDS schedules. e.g Monday afternoons - baseball, WED night - ballet, Sat mornings - fun run, Sun - friend's party. Stuff like that so in case you get them on a particular day that is out of your ordinary prescheduled time, then you have an idea of who to take where and when they will have dinner etc.

Here is how to ask your wife for it. E.g. I want to make this separation as smooth as possible for the children. I have asked them what they would like to have here at my home, may I suggest that I have a copy of their schedule every week so I can take proper care of them and get them to where they need to go on time?

What she does is none of your business. She is not 'yours' anymore and if you keep looking for clues and such it will only hurt YOU more. So stop it cold turkey.

Keep up your good work and focus on the kids.

As for wedding bands. Either way it doesn't really matter. Wedding bands can come on and off, they can be lost and rebought. What really matters is the committment, not the piece of gold on your finger. Do what feels right to you. There is no right or wrong. That is only my opinion anyway.

You are on the road to a very rich, fulfilling life, Mark. I can totally see it. You are one determined dude and you and your kids will reap the rewards of your determination.

[PositivelyMommy]

Mark,

As I see that you have worked hard on your Anticipations list, I am really happy to share some of the things that I had in mind for you to put down. These are just general categories, what you wrote down was awesome and you may have more to add after you have read this post.

Children's needs:

1) Physical - e.g toothbrush, sunscreen, getting to events on time, etc. what you did was great, keep up the good work

2) Emotional - e.g. talking with them about their feelings, start off small, like how did you feel about your fun run today then procees to bigger things like how do you feel about Mommy and Daddy living apart. I know, this is going to be a difficult one but you will thank me for years to come when you break this barrier now rather than when they are having difficulties with their partners when they are grown-up

3) Mental - making sure they have a positive state of mind. Martin Seligman wrote a book called, 'The Optimistic Child'. I highly recommend this book to ALL parents especially kids whose parents are going through difficulties.

(I am a huge fan of positive thinking, a line of psychology initiated by Martin Seligman. That is what you feel when you read my posts. It is very important that your children grow up with a positive mindset, to feel hope, to understand that working hard towards something takes effort and is worthwhile no matter what the outcome, to WANT TO TRY. )

4) Intellectual - You mentioned that your D reads to your S sometimes. May I suggest that YOU read to them individually to them as well. It will achieve two things. One - an intimacy that they will look forward to every time they see you (emotional need), two - to develop their intellectual capacity and to help you and your kids bond. Choose books that they are interested in, take them to the library to choose. It can be fiction or non-fiction, doesn't matter. Then discuss the stories you have read. What did you learn? How did the characters feel, why did they feel that way? Was there another way that the characters could have acted? Do you get the idea? I can expand if you need.

5) Social - Children mimic us. It's a fact. You may not know it but it's very important that they see us being social with our friends. How we interact with family, friends, people of the opposite sex, teachers, sales people, everyone. Show them how to act appropriately. Show them your happy self and they will mimic your happiness in a social environment. Joke around and they will see your sense of humor and develop their own.

Then give them opportunties to be around kids their own age as well. Neighbor's kids, cousins, school friends for playdate. Give them time to play, to develop their own personalities, to come out of their shells. Have unstructured playtime. Let them do whatever they want with their friends. Go to the park with a ball, whatever. Let them develop. BBQ at the backyard. Show them how to be a well-adjusted adult. How to enjoy people, how to have a good time.

OK, get cracking. Good luck!

[markhaving probs]

PM,

Thank you again for your imput. I am so pleased you like my Anticipation List as it was my first go, I suppose it means I am on the right track. Also reading your posts I can see as a positive bi-product of the commitment to the children is the way my wife in time would see a HUGE 180 as identified when I was collating list of 180's with JCJ. I know I am not doing this to show her I have changed but I think I can understand how 180's can be accomplished without it looking so obvious, particularly with the children as you have identified. We have just finished an 8 mile bike ride and picnic, I am now taking them to trampolining and am going to cook them a lovely spaghetti dinnerr tonight. I have also asked my daughter if she would like a friend to stay and her friend has excepted so I will have three children tonight which will be great fun.

As soon as your your first post today, I wrote down and sent the following text to my wife...

Hi Suzi, please could you bring with you tomorrow the childrens weekly schedule and times. I know I should know it by now, but if I find I have time to help you pick up or drop off the children, I can give you plenty of notice to arrange it. Me.

I have just received a response 'OK'.

Not sure what to have expected but my concern is for the children, and I certainly would not have expected a gushing response.

I hope I worded it correctly as in my view this shows anticipation and pro-activeness. Asking for the schedule also shows consideration for my wife and the childrens welfare, it does not show pursuing and lastly, I control the times I can assist, meaning I am not seen as a doormat. I hope I am reading this whole way of thinking correctly, I am sure your wisdom will tell me otherwise.

When I was at the marital home my wife and I made sure either of us read to our children at bed time, we found this was a very important way of bonding and obviously was educational for them.

I will now study the rest of your second post on my return from trampolining.

Thank you PM, you are a life saver and my children and I will thank you always. xx

[markhaving probs]

Thank you J for your support and imput.

Mark x

[antlers]

Want your wife, don't need her. You are whole and complete just the way you are. You should complement and enhance each others lives but you are not dependent on her for your happiness that is a inside job. You can handle it.
Cheers
Coach

What great advice. Thanks. Easy to say, makes so much sense...HARD TO DO.