Told the lawyer that I still love my W, that I am willing and wanting to do whatever it takes to keep my marriage and ultimately my entire family together, and that I have been DBing for over three years. But I also told him that my W has threatened D in the past, and more recently threatened taking the kids, moving out and getting an apartment. I explained that I believed that I was the better, more involved, and responsible parent in raising our children. That my W is a miserable unhappy person that takes anti-depression medication during the day and prescription medication to sleep at night. I felt that my children would not be safe with her. I wanted to know what my options were to keep the kids. He said it is very difficult to petition for 100% custody, but easily we could fight and win 50%. I presume this is better than nothing. He said the retainer is $4,500, a private mediator would cost another couple of thousands, and that it would probably take about 6 months for the Big D to be final. Does this sound about right?
After hearing my entire story, he said a separation would not be effective, that divorce is the way to go, and that I should do the preventive strke before she does to secure the custody of the kids before she walks out the door and then I have to go fight for them after the fact. I said I don't think I will ever be the one to initiate as I expect that if it is ever to happen she would have to be the one. We are still under the same roof. I still believe she and the collective retention of my entire family is worth fighting for. He actually went into MFT mode and said that then I should start living an independent life separate from her. In other words the same as going Dark and GAL. Start doing and planning things as if she already moved out. Change my focus away from her and refocus on the kids and myself. Don't do things she asks me to do, but do those things that I would be doing anyway if she wasn't here. So in other words reenforcing many of the same things in DBing, that even most have commented on these boards, as well as stated by my coach. I believe I am already doing a lot of this, just not to the extreme that he and all of you posting to me suggest.
I spoke with the DB coach today, and she was very pleased with my efforts this past weekend, in sharp contrast to many of the comments I have received in previous posts on this board. After telling her word for word the story just like I posted it here, she was very happy and pleased to hear that I continued on with the dinner and hotel as planned on Friday evening, espcially since my W agreed to go. The fact that I discussed the Relationship Wheel whereas my W agreed to participate in improving our parenting skills, planning vacations together, plannning to go to church together with the kids, planning renovations of the house, etc. In other words my W, who is always physically pushing me away, agreed to do things together, so this was another example or effort of team work where possibly she is wanting, but not admintting to opening her heart back up to me and the idea of us as a family. I am happy and excited that my DB coach was very praiseworthy and proud of my efforts. I went on to tell her about the rest of the evening, all the conversation, the hotel, and even having sex. She said it was all good efforts on my part. She said she is not sure that I should go dark yet, especially if my W still has not moved out and she is still willing to do things together. As many have said, she said as well, stop being predictable.
This week after Monday-thru today, I tried going dark. Esentially I did not speak to my W at all unless it was in passing about work or kids. I did not attempt to hug, nor kiss nor ML with her all week. I didn't initiate, since she pushed back the last time I tried on Sunday. She of course did not initiate. She did email me proposed dates to plan for or vacations over the next few months. I unpredictablly decided to go out for a drink at 1000 pm at night last night after everyone went to bed. I came home at midnight and didn't even go to bed until 1 am. As soon as I entered the bedroom, she immediately asked me where I had been. I was surprised she was awake at that hour, but I said I was awake so I went out with some friends from work that were already out. She didn't respond and nothing more was said, but I thought it interesting as did the coach that it appears as if she was up thinking and waiting for me or possibly she just woke up and noticed me gone. In other words, for her to ask, she was obviously interested and or concerned that I was gone, which is apparently a good thing if she supposedly doesn't care about me. After talking to the coach today, she said once again don't go dark yet. Avoid relationship talk, do not invite her to leave yet (although if she brings it up, tell her a few things to make her think about what she is doing, but ultimately let her know it is okay to go if that is in fact what she thinks will make her happy because obviously I want her to be happy), continue to work on the relationship wheel, invite/include her in plans, and even attempt a hug, kiss, playful touch, and even sex if the opportunity arises once in a while. Just once again, don't do it when she may expect it. Be unpredicatable.
It was funny that although we hardly spoke this week Monday thru Thursday as I was trying to give her the most space that I can give based of her constant requests, and the fact that I went out last night, I expected that she might come home late or go out late tonight herself. Instead, I came home early whereas she actually was running later than normal especially for a Friday. I was about to walk out the door with the kids to take them to dinner when I decided to text her to tell her. She sent back asking me to wait for her. She walked into the house seeming happy asking about my day, we all went out to eat, we had good conversation about work, kids, and vacation planning again. We actually looked at old pictures of the kids on my phone, told a couple of funny stories and laughed. So is she having a good time with me or no? I attempted to steel way a quick feel and kiss and she actually was receptive for that moment. We later picked up some movies and games from blockbuster, went home, I played games with the kids, then we watched the movie. She said come and get her for the movie, but when I did she was aleady asleep. I thought about leaving the kids to the movie and initiate ML, but thinking about being predicatable and possibly not listening to her I did not. I wonder if I should of. I always think that I get turned down so much why not try because possibly one of those tries may eventually be a yes. But at the same time, I don't want to be predictable, I don't want to seem needy or demanding, or not listening, since she had previously asked for space. I feel like I should just wait for her to initiate, but I fear that may never happen. I am thinking about planning some spontaneous early dinner with friends tomorrow evening, so as not to be predictable. Once again, if she goes fine, if she doesn't find. At least I have plans. As I sit here an type this at 1100 pm at night, I can't help but think about her sexy body layinng in bed all alone. I just want to go up there and ravious her body. Should I? Or should I just lforget about here, let it/her go and refocus on something else?
Give more space or make more effort towards physically contact? That is my daily dilema.
