Lan, at this point I dont understand why you dont tell her what you know and how much. It sounds to me -and forgive me if I got this wrong- there is no doubt left about what was going on with the IM guy. And I know from own experience that she will not admit anything unless you havd some hard proof and then even maybe not.
BUT, since it sounds that this may be your last effort, things should be out in the open and your possible effort thru MC or not should not start based on lies again. Your wife strikes me as a person that will not stop if she thinks she can get away with it. Committement is the key here and when she keeps lying, I dont see her committing to a an effort honestly. It sounds like she doing some "damage control" while trying to figure out what you know.
Also, I agree, MC is difficult when both people arent really ready to go thru it and a bad councelor can bring tension and NOT give you solutions. Be careful with that. xxx K
All coversation this evening with W very civil, but W gets into a spat with D7 at bed time and gets very stressed. W doesn't want any conversation with me tonight. Also I caught her sat in the bedroom staring out into space with a wtf have I done look on her face. W agrees our conversation can wait for another night.
Anyway K, I had planned to put all my cards on the table which I will do when we next talk.
I'd say wait until next week comes and see where you stand. Then if things are okish, you can buy her the Itouch Ipod. I maybe able to find one for you in a good price, hardly used...
My H and I said we were done, right vefore my birthday. That changed in 2 weeks. I didnt get a present. I thought it was udnerstandble but considering he said he loved me, I was disappointed.
Really, I would wait till you talk and then decide what to do. K
Lanzo, I agree that we shouldn't get into second-quessing the decision you made about confronting your W about the emails, or your decision to look into her private emails.
I would advise to make sure you know what your intent is with the actions you take. You want to make sure that there is never an intent to harm, or punish. The email to the OP probably would fall in that category.
You also want to make sure that there is intent with your actions, and that you pause before taking any action. You don't want your actions to be reactive or acting-out.
If you think that spying was necessary to bring it out in the open, that's fine by me, as long it's not reactive, and done without intention to harm.
As long as we strive to treat our WAS's with respect, any approach we take, whether it involves no R talks or confronting is the right one.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
If you think that spying was necessary to bring it out in the open, that's fine by me, as long it's not reactive, and done without intention to harm.
Funnily enough CL it was after reading your sitch where you came across emails for your W but didn't read them, that I thought if I ignored what I could see in my sitch that I would indeed be burying my head in the sand rather than taking a "wait and see" approach.
Now it's out in the open we all have to deal with it, rather than just myself getting wound up and building up my blood pressure.
If this is the prick to burst the ballon then so be it, if it is a wake up call for W all the better. But at the end of the day there is only so much work I can do on myself, eventually the other side needs a swift kick to move things one way or the other.
Now it's out in the open we all have to deal with it, rather than just myself getting wound up and building up my blood pressure.
But at the end of the day there is only so much work I can do on myself, eventually the other side needs a swift kick to move things one way or the other.
Lanzo
In your case, further waiting would do more harm to you, as you would build resentment, and act that out towards your W. Your frustration is so high, that you're ready to deal with the unbalancing confrontation will bring.
You're also starting to think about moving on, and want to make sure you've tried everything possible to move things along.
I remember reading that letting an alcoholic hit bottom is cruel, and that a family member should intervene way before then. Maybe the same approach should be considered when working with a depressed, addictive spouse. It's another gray area of choosing from the spectrum of letting natural consequences move things along, while we set boundaries, versus implementing our own logical consequences.
As I've said, I'm beginning to think that wise intention is more important than where on the spectrum of strategies we choose.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
