Hi Song. You contacted me and ask to stop by and give my thoughts about the email to your wife. First, let me say that I don't believe anybody can say that you have not stood for your marriage. I will also say that when I read the response to what you had to say with the heated conversation with your wife when you told her she would have to proceed with everything regarding the divorce and then you walked out.......I first thought that it sounded good and that you were showing strength, etc. However, after reading on further and what you were going to send in the email, I begin to think over the stitch again and I went back to scan some of the posts. Then I read something I told you quite some time back:
Quote:
She will continue to get meaner if you don't back off or as FIB has said.....turn her lose. Song, if you can just turn her over to God. If you can just put her in His hands and turn the entire stitch over to Him, then you will be able to find peace. Until then, you will continue to be miserable.
I continued to scan more of things you had written and Song, it hurts me to say this, but I'll have to stick with what I said in that post before. And, even though it appeared for a little bit that you were being very strong and not giving in to her and "standing for your marriage" on that day she was trying to get you to comply with the divorce.........if you will be honest with yourself, it was you trying to control the stitch. I do understand. I also understand "tough love". But this is not what I call tough love. This is controlling and it is hard for you to see it b/c you are so despartly trying to hold the M together. But, as I told you before, it is time for you to turn her lose and turn her over to God and let Him deal with her and the stitch b/c nothing else and nobody else at this point is going to change her mind. Even if she agreed to go to those events you want to try, it would only be an agreement on her part in hopes to prove to you that it did no good and could still not save the M. Marriage seminars or counseling does no good when the person has a closed heart and her heart is closed to you at this time. If you do not drop the rope and turn her lose and move forward in your life, she will end up hating you and you will NEVER stand a chance of ever having her friendship, much less her love. All things are possible with God, but we need to get out of His way to let Him do His job. If we continue to srew things up, then we are the ones that made things impossible. Remember, human free will? God does not interfer with that! Your wife has free will and God will honor that.......and you need to also. It hurts God that she has chosen this path.......and it hurts you. But, Song, there is somebody else that is hurting that you need to put before yourself and that is that son who may never be able to get over this ordeal. In the very beginning, he was having a terrible, terrible time, and it has gotten worse. You must do what is best for him and it clearly seems that what is going on now is not what is best for his health. I know, divorce does not seem to be the answer for any child. I am not saying that it is! I am saying that the contention between his parents is killing him slowly. I feel that you thought you were truly doing what was best for everyone in your family. I believe you thought you were doing God's will for every family and that is to stay married. Please lay it at the feet of the Father and just turn it over to Him, leave it there with Him and set her free and free yourself and the children. Some day........maybe some day. But not this way......not this way will it ever happen. Divorce is not the end. As long as she is not married to another, there could be a chance if the two of you can become friends and you can leave it at that and not try to pursue her and let her stay free. I think you will have to have a very long soul searching talk with God and ask Him to help you turn her over to Him and also to help you be free of this bondage.
It always hurts to give this advice. It is never what anyone wants to hear. I read in one of the posts from somebody who wrote to you (I think FIB) that to deatch is to know that somebody other than your wife can love you. Setting her free is the same thing. It is trusting God to let you feel love from others and to be able to live a full and happy life. What sounds and feels impossible to you right now, is not impossible, Song. You have done all you can, except one thing. It's time, now. Don't lose any chance of having her as at least your friend. Give your kids the chance to get out of this nightmare and to get well.
So very sorry and you have my prayers.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
