Sandi's in Piecing and it's getting better

[sandi2]

Good evening, Stuck. In response to some things you said:

“I agree with you that my W is in a "transition" state right now where she just emotionally empty and can't commit back into the M. Right now I get the feeling that she doesn't want to deal with it and/or not sure what she wants and so is just living right now.”

Right now, she CAN’T deal with the MR emotionally. You see, it is taking all she has to just make it through each day. Now Stuck, I know these words hurt you and I hope you know me well enough by now to realize I do not say this to be hateful to you but rather try to help you see “where” she is in her state of mind, body, and soul. We discussed how she decided to make the “right” decision by staying in her M. She knew it was the right thing to do and probably it hit her hard to remember she was doing to her child what had been done to her. But, did that change what was happening to her insides completely? Unfortunately it did not. She would have been so relieved if it had! That would have taken care of all her problems. She would have been so happy if her feelings for the OM had all went away overnight and her normal feelings for her H had returned and she even felt like being the “mother” she once was. Yes, being the mother she once was, b/c she is feeling guilt about not being the noble mother that her children deserves and is beating herself up. Do you know what I told my H the day after this blew up around here? I told him if he ever told my children what I had done that I would hate him until the day I died! I meant every word of it b/c to me, that was what I could not bear……was my children knowing that their “Christian” mother had lowered herself and actually did the sin that she had always taught them was so wrong. I feared they would think I was the biggest hypocrite since Judas. I feared they would never respect me again or that they would think....whatever…….I imagined it all! Mothers do not want their children to think of them in a less than an "honorable" way……even if she knows she deserves it. They want their children to honor them if nobody else in the world does. So, even though it hurts you to know she may not have chosen to stay in the M strictly out of her love for you………you need to realize at the same time that her mind was so flooded with those “chemicals” that I had never heard about until I came to the board--and had no idea of how they worked on the human brain. I don’t know if she has ever read about it or not, but you can look it up on the Internet, as I had to before I could actually believe it was true! That would do her more good than some of the other things you have said to her. Anyway, she IS rather existing, so to speak, and I’m sure she appears almost dead emotionally and a lot of other ways, but Stuck, she is just trying to survive one day at a time. Until a person goes through an EA, they have no idea what it does to your mind and body. I did not believe it and I would have turned my nose up, just as my H did when he acted so self-righteous and told me he had never done anything wrong. But, now I understand since I experienced it. You are right, she doesn’t want to have to deal with anything more than is absolutely....on the verge of an emergency....task on any give day at this time. B/c she just can't. Some days she may have to just concentrate on breathing in and breathing out. You may think I am exaggerating, but when I said I felt as if I were having a nervous breakdown, I was not kidding. My nerves were shot and it was all I could do to make it through a work day. Breathe in—breathe out! Get through this day! That was what I would tell myself. She may appear almost emotionally dead, but actually, she feels as if she has been in a war with her emotions and she isn’t quite sure who won yet--but she knows she has battle scars. That is why I keep begging you to please be careful and not put pressure on her too quickly. Everything is pressure to her at this point. Yes, you are trying so hard...and doing a great job, I might add. But, she is trying hard also; it doesn’t appear that way b/c it is not showing on the outside in the form of “actions”. It is almost like she needs a time of rest to regroup. She wants to find herself so she can commit back to the M. You asked how long it took me.....but I don’t want to tell you b/c it would discourage you. Okay? It takes a long time and while you are doing baby steps to hang on and make the M work....she is also doing baby step, sweetie, but you aren’t able to see them.

“Unlike your stitch, she actually told me she wanted out to pursue her boss and that I was a horrible H, etc.”

Well, don’t make me sound to “good” b/c I said some hard things to my husband. And the things she brought up that seem so trivial? That was her way of desperately trying to justify her reason for leaving you. When you are M to a great guy, it must be tough coming up with enough “bad” things about him or the M to justify leaving him without everyone in your family and the world hating your guts! So, if that is all she could find to complain about you, try to take that as a huge compliment!

“My W is a little on the quieter side,”

Yes, so is my H, and it drives me crazy at times. I think it is those “quite” people we have to watch! Just kidding ya. I know what you mean, though, and when it is the wife that is the quiet one, you do have to listen very carefully when she says ANYTHING, okay? And, you have to be very aware of your tone of voice and the volume b/c some men can get into a habit of talking “gruff” and he sounds mad, when really he isn’t, but she thinks he is.

“It's just that when she told me she wanted to leave, she was so intoxicated with the OM that no matter what I said or did would have made any difference.”

How well I know! When a woman is under the “influence” of that intoxication of the OM, I don’t know if there is ANYTHING a H can do at that time to shock her, wake her up, scare her....I really wonder if there is anything. B/c if he got too drastic, she would really have justification (in her mind) to leave him for the OM. My H tried the hardest when he thought I might leave him after he first discovered the messages on the computer. And, the harder he tried, the more it turned me toward the OM. But, when I told him to back off and leave me alone....and I meant really alone or I was out of here, then he did. I know it had to been hell for him, but he did it. Now, remember, I was very resentful about staying here. I did not want to, but felt forced into it. It took a long time for me to even decide to just do what was “right” b/c I slipped around to find ways to communicate with the OM. It was later that I finally was able to reach the decision to be willing "to be willing".

“It's been just a little over one year since all this madness happened and I think just now she's coming down from her OM high.”

But, has she grieved for him? You see, I think I know what you mean by the “high” but if she is just now coming down from the high, then the hard part sets in. She has to accept the break up and she has to actually grieve over it. Now that REALLY hits below the belt, doesn’t it? I am so sorry, but it is all part of the process, and if you push her to fast, it will cause her to backslide and reach back for him. You don’t want that to happen. If she does that, it will be much harder for her to break it off again. So, please, Stuck, don’t pursue her with the romance. You can be sweet and fun and all of that. You can even give her a non-sexual kiss (peck) on the lips, but she is not ready for more at this time. I know to you a year has been an eternity, but you need to keep working at just keeping her with you and the kids--and she will finally get through her own personal torments and can be the wife you want to have. I know it is horrible for you, but I am here as that AWAW pouring my heart out to you and telling you that it is horrible for her too. “Transition” is a small word for just a hard ordeal that she is dealing with. That is not the word for what you are dealing with.....but we won’t use that word!

“I recognized that the one thing that led us down this path is that we put the kids' needs and attention before ours. I think she's slowly starting to realize that too, but didn't want to listen when I first brought this up because it was coming from me.”

So very common with couples in our fast past....want to cram it all in....world we live it today. But, my kids were grown and I did not want to listen to my H or my mother about anything, either. During that intoxication period, you are deaf to anyone’s words but those of the OM and anyone who agrees with what that represents (like divorced friends, etc.) Also, I am hearing more and more as each day passes how more A’s happen with people at the workplace than anywhere else. So, sad, but maybe it is b/c they see those people more than their own S. Their S no longer looks or acts attractive and when at home you have to deal with bills and kids and in-laws and all that crap. At work, the OP looks great, smells great, dresses sharp, and you don’t have to deal with things like you do at home. Even the work stress is not the same as at home and you sure don’t get into a fight when it is your boss!

“So, like DB says, the only person I can change is myself. I've been consciously talking to her more. Building up her self-esteem as much as possible and doing more around the house. I'm trying to outshine the OM as much as I can since she still works with him.”

And that is just what you need to keep doing! The OM is your competition and I know that most men kind of like competition (usually not over their wife, but never-the-less, you have it), so make it work for you. Especially when you are tired and don’t “feel” like being fun or looking sharp, or smelling good cause it’s just a lazy Saturday afternoon. We’ve been over this before, so you know the routine. One thing I do want to remind you is that when you are trying to compliment her or build up her ego.....don’t sound...”married” when you say something, okay? Do you know how I mean that? Say it like you are not her husband but rather another man. I hope you take that the right way. Women know the difference. I bet husbands know the difference when his wife says, “Honey you look nice today”.....from when a sexy young thing says something to you that makes you feel ten years younger. See what I mean? Don’t just say that she looks nice or cooked a great meal. You could say that to your sister or mother. But say something specific that sounds sexy (but not like you are trying to get her in bed) and makes her feel pretty and young. When she wears something new, give her a low, long, wolf whistle. Sometimes, just give her a wink. God, there is nothing in this world more sexy than a wink from a man to a woman!! Oh, well, you get the idea....don’t you?

“We actually had a R talk Sunday (I brought it up) and told her that I was not interested in a "roommate" and that it hurt every time she turned away when I tried kissing her. I know, my bad”

Yes, it was your bad, Stuck. And here is my 2x4....I want you to know that every time you pull this, you have dug your own M grave a little deeper! Will that make you stop and think what you are doing next time? Do you think she will jump your bones that night b/c of what you said? My H told me he was not going to live like roommates either, but we have!! (But, then we did for over 11 year before I turned to the OM!) He is just lucky I decided to stay, period. He could have not even had a roommate! How would you like to hear her tell you that? You asked how long it’s been for me? Longer than a year, I promise you that. But, we are getting there. We are not having sex, but maybe some day soon. As I said, we are not as young as the two of you, so it isn’t as major (maybe) as it is for you. I have already discussed that, so won’t get into it again.

I was not being defensive in that last paragraph, but I said that on purpose hoping to show you the mind of a WAW. It isn’t healed yet, Stuck. Stop pushing it. Don’t come this far only to lose her. If you want to take her to see the show……find. Don’t get the card and the flowers. She will feel like you are setting her up. Any woman and every woman with a brain knows what that means.....especiall when there has not been any sex in a long time! Make it causal and just say, “Let’s take in a show, okay?” Don’t do anything romantic. Just be relaxed and put no pressure on her or she will be miserable. I am so afraid it will backfire and put you weeks and maybe months behind if you pursue this b/c I know how your mind is working. You are hoping against hope that you two will ML, but she is not ready. If she does it, it will be only for your sake. If she is still turning away when you try to kiss her, do you really think she is ready for sex? Think about it! (It is not your brain that that you have been thinking with!) Yeah, she may have given you a little peck before leaving the next day, but no, in her case you don’t need to push her. Why do men get these ideas? B/c they get hor*y! That was not why she gave you the peck. Don’t push. You will be sorry. That is not how you do it with WAW’s. Your wife is not the exception.

I always wish you luck, Stuck. But I have talked as hard as I know about this and I hope you will think it over very seriously before you stubbornly carry through with the romantic card & invitation thing. That is too much over the top at this time. That time will come, but it hasn’t come yet.

Take care,
Sandi

OMG! I just now saw your next post to me!

Just out of curiosity. How long was your "mourning period" over the OM. I know my W's going to take much longer since she physically sees hers, but just curious.

Oh well, I think I covered that part, but I'm not sure what you mean my physically sees hers. I was told that the grieving period took at least three months. Mine took a lot longer. But, after the grieving, then you have to try to jump start your willingness to have feelings for your H and when you discover it doesn't quite work that easily, then you get depressed and have to work through a bunch of crap internally. Great stuff!

Sometimes I wonder if me going out with another woman would make her snap out of it.

You do, and I will personally come wring your neck!! That is the very worst thing you could ever do. You might as well pack it up if you do that. I know, sweetie. It is hell. I KNOW it is, even though I was not in your place. I have enough sense to know that any human who loves his wife would feel like death when something like this has happened. But, is she worth it to you, Stuck? Is she valauble enough to hang on a while longer? I just bet she is and I know those kids are worth it. You CAN DO THIS my friend. You are strong. I know b/c you have already proven it. You are discouraged and lonely and at times want to go find a hooker and have sex. (Well, maybe not a hooker... ) Anyway, keep coming here and blow off steam to us, but don't mess up at this stage of the relationship.

Please be careful.....okay? You are vulnerable. There are females out there that probably would like to take you up on an offer, but please don't let your mind even wonder down that street.

Sandi (again)