True Love or True Fog? Changing Forums

[Flicka]

God, what a jerk. There are so many...

[Flicka]

Dear S.F.

I am sorry to have taken a hike. I was just was so embarrassed about the yearling moose trouble... Chardonnay MADE me yip about it.

Let us meet up on your porch some Dewey Tuesday morning to discuss these troubles. I will confide that I am in serious distress and you will hand me a paint brush. When miserable wash dishes or paint. You would also hand me a book you liked. Thanks. I will have a couple with me.

I wish I could know you. I would give you my NewYorker mags. Nobody I know,here, wants them.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Silver...

This is great! Well done.. I am GOBSMACKED though... even after all the contact I have had wuth my ex, last year.. there is NO WAY I would have seen him in the kitchen cooking for us?? Thats so wierd.. he's hardly been in your space since he left you, really odd of him !

So I am curious, how did you handle it? Did you chat to him? Smile alot? Act 'as-if' ? Make jokes? Drop a few hints about your new great exciting life? (Ok, we have to fake it a bit, but whats the harm !!??) Or did you stay out of his way (wathed the news, or was that him??).

Keep on extending that hand of friendship silver. You are still in stage 1 I would say.. Jody says that stage 1 is all about reducing feelings of guilt and shame in teh WAS.. so letting him feel comfortable to see you/talk to him, without him feeling like you are gonna lay some big shame/guilt trip on him.

Dont forget though, that also, she advises meetign AWAY from the house if you can.. so if he wants to meet you to dicuss these propisals.. try and meet somewhere (a bar? for dinner? or lunch? Where would be a 180 venue for you? what would be refreshing and surprising to him??). Just a suggestion.

[Flicka]

I meant Doo-eee, not dewey. Like a damp Tuesday mornings when nobody is awake...

We are looKing toward summer. You have a teacher schedule, right?

[sunshinelewis]

Ali (if I may hijack just a sec :)...), do you suggest some contact in my situation. Say after several months or so. OR do I let me still come to me. They say they are getting married.
Would you give the same advice to someoen that is already divorced?

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Sunshine...
I'm not aware of your sitch, but I noticed when you posted before that your signature shows your H moved very quickly to D you and thats pretty shocking. Have you got a DB Coach? Its expensive and I am a penniless student, but I still bought two lots of sessions, 3 last year after he first started contacting me again and 3 more when I heard about the OW. I couldnt afford it, but it was the best $700 I ever spent, she was very helpful. So I would advise doing that ! You too silver.

Other than that, I say to you what I say to Silver.. they have to be able to see you in order to compare(if they will see you) and also.. at this stage, after D, what have you got to lose?? Jody the DB coach said that people get stuck in the LRT, dark, cos it makes them feel like they have some control, but at some point you have got to reach out a little (non-persueing/pressuring).

[sunshinelewis]

Ali I dont know how I am gonna do that because my xh doesnt want to talk to me. I know if I tried to call him he wouldnt answer. He started doing this after ow moved in. Now they are engaged. She probably doesnt like him talking to me either.
What should I do? Snodderly and Jack along with others says NOT to contact him in any way unless in an emergency.
What you say does make sense. I have asked that same question, how in the world is he gonna notice a change in me if he dont ever see me?
So what do you suggest?

[AliSuddenly]

If he has expressed he doesnt want to talk to you, then I would say you should respect that. I wouldnt advise calling him either. Even after all teh contact me and my ex have enjoyed, I ONLY started phoning him last May, after he had GIVEN me his number and asked me to call him sometime. Again after all our recent contact, I still havent phoned him, I let him call me. Alot of communication has been by email whilst he was with ow.

I agree with Jack and Snodderly.. leave him be and dont contact him unless its urgent. Let him feel the full weight of his decision (I did the same, only contacted him in REPLY if he contacted me). What I meant above about htem having to see you is if they WANT to see you.. the same for Silver... I have been suggesting to her that she accepts contact and olive branches from her H, NOT make calls to him herself or initiate contact.

[Silver Fox]

Well, the most stressful (and most rewarding) part of my job is over for the semester - an hour long evening dance concert involving 100 middle school students

Now this beautiful, sunny weekend as everyone else is out GALing I'm sleeping, resting, eating, recovering AND refocusing on my personal life to figure out what the F to do with my crazy MLC H and his D quest.

Here is his "offer", typos and all, sent via email over a week ago:

I want to again thank you for being willing to consider a mutually agreeable resolution of our issues. As you asked, I am going to start by propsing a broad framework for you and your attorney to consider and then we can get into further detail as our negotiations unfold.

First, I think my attorney and I have already offered to take all of the joint debt acquired during our marriage. By doing so, I will likely be unable to avoid bankruptcy. If I do find a way to manage the debt load it is going every bit of whatever income I am able to earn. In either case, I can't imagine I will have the resources for long term alimony-especially at the levels you asked for in the mediation hearing. However, if you do choose to stay in the house for a year before selling, I might be able to help with a lower amount of temporary alimony to compensate you for the extra cost of the commute, pet care, et c. But given my enormous debt, I don't know how much I could afford.

In terms of the house, as you asked, I would propose two options.

Option One: I take the house. I either let it roll it into a bankruptcy/foreclosure or somehow find a way to make the payments, fix it, and sell it myself. Since the house is basically under water at this point, I think taking on this additional debt would make further alimony unwarranted.

Option Two. You take the house-with conditions. You prepare a list of all repairs you wish made before taking possession and I use my own sweat equity to "pay" for those repairs. Given my debt load, I don't think I could help with those repairs that need to be professionally done, but that should be able to be included in a refinancing of the house. Under this scenario, as I said, I would hopefully have enough=2 0income to offer temporary alimony to compensate you for the extra costs of having to stay in the house. I would propose one year at affordable level.

That should be enough to get the conversation moving again. As far as I'm concerned, everything is on the table. All I want is to do is what's right by you while still having a chance to slowly rebuilding my financial life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now that my head is clear of 100 dancing 13 year olds I've got plenty of room to come up with my own "options". And did I mention that he wants everything to be resolved by August so he can move to Catbitch's (sorry Ali!) city? This includes D first, declaring bankruptcy second. Yes, he has it all figured out.

Last week I had to email him because the aquarium lights went completely out - first time I've initated contact since September. He wrote back that he would come over, let the dogs out, fix the lights and cook dinner so I would have something when I got home (this was the day of my concert and he knows I get home late). And he also wrote "good luck with the show, I know it will be awesome". Well ok, thanks buddy. Now is this guilt or just trying to stay on my good side?

[Silver Fox]

Well, H is pushing now. Here's his email sent today:

I haven't heard from you about meeting this week. As it turns out, my Friday interview got moved to Monday so I couldn't have done it tomorrow anyway. My meeting with the bankruptcy attorney is finally going to happen Wednesday. Unless you object, I would like to come over Wednesday afternoon after it is done. I need to know what offer--if any--you want me to have for my attorney to see if we can resolve this. I am meeting with my attorney Thursday to either put that offer together or figure out how to proceed without one.

Thanks again for the cooperation you have shown over the last few weeks.

"Proceed" without an offer? How does that work exactly?

Anyway, here's my reply:

Thank you for the quiche. We went out after the show but it was nice to have it over the weekend.

I will be very interested in hearing what the bankruptcy lawyer says so Wednesday is fine. Please make sure he knows that 3 of our credit cards (and your truck) are in my name and if I choose to let you take on all the debt - how will I get my name removed so my credit is not affected? Please take lots of notes so I may share the info with my lawyer.

You might want to hold off on that meeting with your attorney. I had the house appraised last week but I won't have anything in writing until next week. Also, I'm still considering your offers and as this decision is going to affect me for the rest of my life I will not be pressured or rushed. I have my own terms that I am finalizing and I need to meet with my lawyer as well.

If you're in town, I will be staying at school late on Tuesday. I'm sure the dogs would appreciate you letting them out and feeding them.

See you Wednesday.

So I guess it's all business now. Bring it on. He's made up his mind, he's not coming back. The OW is his True Love (after I was for 24 years of course). And even though he knows very little about the D process he's determined to plow ahead.

It's been 2 years. I've DB'd for myself and for H, I've been patient, I've been friendly, I've gone completely dark, I've waited for the A to burn itself out. Now I realize the one thing I haven't done is to completely LET GO. The biggest 180 I can do or that I even have left now is to agree to this D.