Hi Kalni, Lisa!!! Thanks for your good wishes.. I cant believe I have got this far. Who would have believed it, back in October when I was desperate and crying and my hair was falling out after he had gone NC for 6 weeks, and let his mates G and Cher let me know he was seeing Helen !???

Cyrena/Snodderly, then yes, I have been reading Heartsblessings posts, thats what I based his stages on.. he certainly did the denial, anger and replay and has cycled in and out of anger/depression..

Now, he seems more for the FIRST TIME to be facing up to what he has done and really acknoweldging that, the hurt, the regret (telling friends) so I reckoned he was somewhere in stage 5 and appreciate we still have a long road. But like my Mum said.. no ground has been lost really, you are still close to all your joint friends, and you have been at college anyway. In a way its good.. I have supported myself through most of a 3 year degree, so he can never feel resentful that I gave up my career and he had to support me ! (and to be fair, I didnt ask or discuss it with him, I just told him...I am applying to art college)

Kerry.. I know my ex VERY well.. and all who know him (my Mum, BFF, sister) all say.. he is ONLY really honest when he has a drink sadly.. thats when his 'mask' slips. So its real, NOT the drink talking. Although it is 'normal' in British culture to go out down the pub, I am worried about the amount he his drinking.. he is essentially still self medicating (dont know if he is also on ADs, but I think so)

Lastly...Cyrena, I thikn I know why he ran from me and the R.. I know some stuff about him that I havent even posted the details here and NOONE knows. He had tremendous shame when I found out and although I love and accepted him afterwards, he essentially doesnt love and accept himself. He hates himself. This is a major problem, I havent even been able to debate it here. I dont know what, if any, help he is getting for this. Its a major problem though, I know, he found it hard to talk to me about it even.

Thanks guys for sticking with me, truly. My life feels on a knife edge more than ever right now!! At least I am having fun though.. just had a girly night out, some gossip and a glass of wine, was nice..