I'm sorry, but I cannot take credit for the stages of mlc. Heart's Blessing took what Jim Conway and his wife had written and used it to work with when her own h was in mlc. I, on the other hand, did add one additional stage at the very end after acceptance. It is a stage that we will not encounter until the spouse is ready to actually reconcile and return home. It's the stage that is the hardest one of all and takes anywhere from 8-18 months to over come. It is the stage that tries the patience of job.
Please keep in mind that the timelines in the stages will vary and there is a great deal of overlapping in them. They can exhibit one or more stages at one time. That is why it's very important not to set timelines. Learn to recoginze the symptoms so that you better understand that it is not you or about you, but what he/she is going through. Timelines are tossed out the window until acceptance has been hit and the person is back under the same roof w/you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Kalni, Lisa!!! Thanks for your good wishes.. I cant believe I have got this far. Who would have believed it, back in October when I was desperate and crying and my hair was falling out after he had gone NC for 6 weeks, and let his mates G and Cher let me know he was seeing Helen !???
Cyrena/Snodderly, then yes, I have been reading Heartsblessings posts, thats what I based his stages on.. he certainly did the denial, anger and replay and has cycled in and out of anger/depression..
Now, he seems more for the FIRST TIME to be facing up to what he has done and really acknoweldging that, the hurt, the regret (telling friends) so I reckoned he was somewhere in stage 5 and appreciate we still have a long road. But like my Mum said.. no ground has been lost really, you are still close to all your joint friends, and you have been at college anyway. In a way its good.. I have supported myself through most of a 3 year degree, so he can never feel resentful that I gave up my career and he had to support me ! (and to be fair, I didnt ask or discuss it with him, I just told him...I am applying to art college)
Kerry.. I know my ex VERY well.. and all who know him (my Mum, BFF, sister) all say.. he is ONLY really honest when he has a drink sadly.. thats when his 'mask' slips. So its real, NOT the drink talking. Although it is 'normal' in British culture to go out down the pub, I am worried about the amount he his drinking.. he is essentially still self medicating (dont know if he is also on ADs, but I think so)
Lastly...Cyrena, I thikn I know why he ran from me and the R.. I know some stuff about him that I havent even posted the details here and NOONE knows. He had tremendous shame when I found out and although I love and accepted him afterwards, he essentially doesnt love and accept himself. He hates himself. This is a major problem, I havent even been able to debate it here. I dont know what, if any, help he is getting for this. Its a major problem though, I know, he found it hard to talk to me about it even.
Thanks guys for sticking with me, truly. My life feels on a knife edge more than ever right now!! At least I am having fun though.. just had a girly night out, some gossip and a glass of wine, was nice..
I reckon that getting sloshed does allow one to liberate there emotions more and the alcohol could be considered a bit of a tell-the-truth drug. Let's just hope that he realizes that drinking or drugs will not be the solution to his inner hate and problems with himself.
Its funny Kerry, because he rarely drank in the week when he lived with me and never at home. He has turned back into a 22 year old since he left (figures). His Dad was a drinker, not volume, but he went to a "working mens club" every night after his wife left him and also would have a glass of whiskey at home. My ex's brother is also a big pub goer/pint drinker (but not spirits). My ex always was very down on his brother and Dad for their choices and leaning on alchohol so much !!! I cant believe he used to complain to me all the time how bad he thought they were for that. Look at him now !!
So.. I have hope that once he is through this major crisis/depression, his drinking will ease off back to normal, few pints on the weekend, socialising in a country pub level !!!
I've heard that beer is consumed at room (or cellar) temperature in the UK. If that is true, I would guess that maybe there is more flavor than a beer at near freezing.
Yes - beer is drunk at room temp I guess, not warm though!
Well.. topical, but my ex texted me (YAY! Thinking about me on his way home).. at 5.30am to say that he was leaving the pub and it was daylight oh no etc. He was on a big night out with a guy who lived with him and his family for a while when he was 14, so like a brother to him, back from abroad yesterday.
I'm actually not a big drinker myself, so this drinking does bother me. Like Cyrena says, yes I've made changes and he is seeing a different (an older?) side to me, but how much of the changes could I, or would I want to keep up after we reconcile? And how much he is going to let go of this new teenage lifestyle and settle down again?
...He's been texting me a bit this morning and seems he was drinking coffee for the last 3 hours in the pub!! Thats a relief. BMF wife J rang me last night and he is home without Helen. As I suspected.
Cher told me last night that my ex told G that he misses our homelife together, things like snuggling up on the sofa every night, being with me at home. Thats huge! I always said we had a lovely, harmonious homelife. He really does seem to be coming out of the fog, realising what he has done and what he misses.
BUT.. I still worry that he said (as he did in November).. "I feel guilty all ways" - meaning toawrd her, as well as to me. So he does have some thought to her feelings and some loyalty? He is STILL with her afterall. Although his friends all believe that is only because he is working for her organisation at the moment on this contract, sat next to her and as soon as it ends, he will end it with her.
Ali, I think you have to accept that xb/f does probably feel something for Helen and it may not all be guilt induced. It may not be the same feelings as he had for you, it is quite likely to be different.
I guess he wouldn't be the man you love so much if he just discarded her without some sort of feelings or guilt towards her and you. So I guess it will take as long as it takes for him to break it off, working together not withstanding. Someone else pointed out that he really then needs sometime on his own without being in a relationship so maybe friends is all you can be for awhile, after all you really neeed to know that if and when he returns to you that this time it will be for good and he wont run at the first sign of trouble.
Unless his friends have some kind of crystal ball, I would settle in for the long haul, after all you only want to go through this madness once in your life! Don't we all.
Naej.. you are right and I thought that myself when I posted. He's a good man, he said to G, she's a nice girl, I dont want to hurt her. He also since said though, he cant stand her, didnt love her and never would be able to.. so I DEFO dont think his feelings are the same for her as they were for me! Thank goodness.
Yes, I want us to be friends for a while and for him (and me) to have a gap between her and us reconciling. I'm not rushing to bed with him at all, if he does come back. I would want to wait and for it to be special.
