WAW, progress than setbacks... need advice

[MrRegret]

Well, it's been over 2 months since my wife left and took the kids. (One is mine, the other is from a previous relationship of hers) I get my son every weekend. It was all but over, then my wife decided we would maybe try things out for 6 months. See each other, and stuff, so she could see if changes are for real, or if I was all talk. Lately it has been good. She asked me out for lunch, we went out for dinner for her birthday, and tonight she is coming over to watch a movie. In between these events for the last 2 weeks, she has been a little on edge. Example: She got REAL upset that I took my son bowling with a friend, his wife and child. She said she tried to get me to do things with others for 2 years, and NOW I go out after she is gone. I realized very quickly that she was not mad, but hurt that I do this now, and not then. What I cannot get through to her, nor according to this site, should I even try, is for her to see that is the whole point! I am doing my best to change my ways. To be a person who is happy, and can do the things she wants as well. It is almost comical, she complained I did not spend enough time with the kids, that I did not socialize enough, that I was stingy with money. Now, I do all kinds of things with my son, go out more with friends, etc... Yet, she criticizes me about this. I try to remind myself she is hurt that I didn't do these things when she was here. I wish she could see that I want these things to continue, and to include her into them at some point.

Anyways, the main problem. I went to pick up my son, and her and I talked. I did NOT want to bring any of it up, but she did. She was keeping it a secret that we were working on things. Her parents are EXTREMELY apposed to us getting back together. Her sister went and told them and now her mother is telling her that our personalities clash and we should just end it. Who cares about the fact that we have a family, love each other, and both want to work it out. Since THEY think we are not good for each other, they want her to throw it all away. I couldn't answer her with anything other than that I want her to be happy. That I know we love each other, and the problem is that everyone thinks if we work this out, we go back to the old way we were. That I don't want that. I want us to be together, but more importantly, I want us happy. I think we can do that together, but she needs to decide that. She said she really wants to believe it all, but can't take my word for it, and needs to see it. I said I agree, I would never expect her to just accept my word, that I want her and I to do things and if I succeed in changes, she and I would see them, if I fail, we will both see that too. She said she wants that, but she wanted me to know how her parents felt. I do not know why that would matter as much as she makes it sound. No one, not even my entire family would be able to stop me from being with someone I loved. Good thing is, my family would never try. They support me, if I fail, they help me back up, not criticize my actions. I feel bad for her. Any advice on what I should say or not say when she brings this stuff up?

Lastly, she always asks me, like 20 times now, "I know you are doing things differently now, and see things differently, but if you really loved me, why did you not see them before. Why did it take so long for you to realize you hurt me so bad?" How the heck am I to answer this?!?! Obviously I did not know how bad I was, or more importantly how much it was hurting her. (VERY little communication) And obviously I see it now, and want it to change, but can't put them into words. I don't really want to, I want her to see my answer in my actions over the next few months, then the rest of our lives, but now even her parents are trying to block that path.

[antlers]

Lastly, she always asks me, like 20 times now, "I know you are doing things differently now, and see things differently, but if you really loved me, why did you not see them before. Why did it take so long for you to realize you hurt me so bad?" How the heck am I to answer this?!?! Obviously I did not know how bad I was, or more importantly how much it was hurting her. (VERY little communication) And obviously I see it now, and want it to change, but can't put them into words.

How about this..."I don't know, but I am sorry it took this! Our current predicament forced me to look at myself and I was not happy with what I saw."

Or..."I did love you enough before but I did not have the tools to show you in the ways that were most desirable for you. I'm a smart man and can learn and grow and love better. I am committed to growing and becoming the best man I can."


I gleaned both of these off of this board!

[MrRegret]

Lastly, she always asks me, like 20 times now, "I know you are doing things differently now, and see things differently, but if you really loved me, why did you not see them before. Why did it take so long for you to realize you hurt me so bad?" How the heck am I to answer this?!?! Obviously I did not know how bad I was, or more importantly how much it was hurting her. (VERY little communication) And obviously I see it now, and want it to change, but can't put them into words.

How about this..."I don't know, but I am sorry it took this! Our current predicament forced me to look at myself and I was not happy with what I saw."

Or..."I did love you enough before but I did not have the tools to show you in the ways that were most desirable for you. I'm a smart man and can learn and grow and love better. I am committed to growing and becoming the best man I can."


I gleaned both of these off of this board!

Thanks. That is pretty much what I try to tell her. That I am sorry it took all this, but I have re prioritized my life.

Well, she came over tonight. Texted me before hand and said she did NOT want to talk about "us" at all. I was glad for this and told her I didn't plan on it. She came over and after the dog settled down, (he was EXCITED, since he hasn't seen her for quite a while) we had a good time. She sat down on the couch first, and sat in the middle. This was great, since I did not have to worry of what to do. She got up a couple of times to get something or whatnot and still sat in the middle, so we sat next to each other. (Wow, funny how something like that can possibly be a good sign) Like a dumb teenager, I timed the show and with about 15 minutes left, I held out my hand to see if she would hold it. I did not go for hers, I thought that may be too much. As soon as she saw it out of the corner of her eye, she said boldly, "no." I pulled back and there was silence. The kind of feeling you get when first dating, and you know the date is pretty much over. Like I said, we were talking good up to this point. So I scolded myself internally and said it is too early to push and enjoy what I had. I started talking like nothing had happened and she slowly joined in. 5 minutes later, she said, "ok, you can hold my hand." and she grabbed my hand and that was that. I was smart enough not to push any farther.

It all went well. I walked her out to her car, and we hugged for a bit. And then she left. She texted that she got home safely and thanked me for a good night.

I need to keep myself from reading too much into her parents, and just enjoy and appreciate the time we are spending together. I have to believe that part of her wants us to work this out, or why would she waste her time doing things with me?

[dday101798]

Why is it exactly you are solely taking all the blame?

[PositivelyMommy]

I don't think MrRegret is solely taking the blame. It's just that his W needs to hear that she really did try in the past for him to make some changes but she can't get over the fact that it took so much pain to achieve what she has been asking for all this time.

I think she wants some acknowledgement that she did make an effort in the past. She doesn't want to punish MrRegret, she just want her feelings validated and heard, which is what most women want. This is one woman's opinion anyway.

[dday101798]

All true, I'm just of the opinion, it takes two to make and break a relation.

[MrRegret]

We both have our problems. We like to argue about little things too much. We went to counseling before, and it worked, so I know those things can be fixed again, fairly easy. (Though she feels since it did, but we went back to "bad" that counseling did NOT work.) Counseling worked, we just did not keep it up. Anyways, the main problem, in her eyes, and the reason why she left, is because of my temper. We both get mad, and may take things too far, but then I go another level. She cannot stay with me if I cannot keep my cool, so to speak. Yes, she is a master at pushing my buttons, in my opinion, but I still should not go in such a rage. These other things, us going out as often, me spending time with the kids, etc... are complaints she has, and yes, she said she has been trying to get me to realize all this for a couple of years. I guess I never really saw it, or she did not try enough, who knows. All I know is, that I want my family, and my anger is key. The other things, I am trying to do while GAL. I am beginning to realize she is not mad at me for now doing all these things, I think she is maybe a little jealous or mosre correctly, hurt, that I am doing what she wished I would have done in the past, but I am doing them now. (Ummm, my problem is, isn't that the whole point?!) If she would just realize that ok, I was that way in the past, but I am trying to do things differently. (I know, it takes time)

I got another update, but no time right now to post it. I will try tomorrow.

[MrRegret]

Ok, I have a HUGE update. Things have been going pretty well. So she asked if she could come over to get something, and the older son could visit the dog. (remember, this is her son that said he never wanted to come back) She had just signed the older one up for the YMCA. She needs him to be somewhere while she is at work. She won't let him stay home by himself. So, we were talking and I asked how long she signed him up for. She said an entire year. From today to today of next year. Ok, I have been doing REALLY good and playing hard to get, not pleading or acting needy.

But I couldn't take it anymore. I asked, "so, we are not going to try to work on things? I know you need time, but if you go off for a year, you know darn well, that we most likely won't get back together."

We then talked about her needing to "see" the changes more, but how, when we only go on short dates, and we are always on our best behavior. I said I support her in whatever she chooses, I am just worried we will grow apart. I offered dinner, and they decided to stay for a while. She had a private conversation with her son, and he suggested they pack some clothes and come back for a "trial". And that was what her and I were discussing too, so it was nice he was on the same page. I told her that she wants to make this work, and she asked how did I know. I said she was not asking for child support, and she needs it, so why wasn't she filing? I then asked her why she said she only wanted to see me once a month and we need our space, then she makes plans with me almost twice a week. And she said I pester her on texts all the time, yet she is the one who texts me every single day almost. She is almost updating me every few hours of what she is doing! Well, she started laughing and said she understands my wondering about it all. And that one night, when I did not answer her texts, and later said I was out all evening, she got worried about what I was doing, who I was out with, and it upset her. That she kept in contact with me after that so much, as a small way of keeping tabs on me. And that she didn't file yet because she really did want us together, just not sure if I was going to change for the better. Since I stopped begging and pleading, since I came here and started reading the book, she started noticing all the changes.

The very next day, she had me pick up her oldest from the "Y" and he and I went to lunch and talked and such. She brought our son for my weekend, so I wouldn't need to go pick him up. And we spent the evening together. She already started telling her friends that we are going to work things out. She is SOOO afraid to tell her parents. They took her and the kids in, made many changes for her, and they have always disliked me, let alone all this. So almost nothing will convince them of us trying to make things work. This is actually one of the hardest things for her to do. I told her, they may not support this for a long time, until we prove to them that we are able to be happy again. And that in 5-10 years, if we are together and happy, doesn't she think they will look back and be glad her and I made one more attempt to have what we want? A family.

So, not sure exactly when they will "move" back home, but we are going in that direction. Unless her family can work voodoo on her, or I mess up with my attitude, we are on our way to making things work. Soon we are going to get a pro marriage counselor, for our other issues.

[PositivelyMommy]

Great news, Mr Regret!! You busted your D!

[MrRegret]

Great news, Mr Regret!! You busted your D!

Well, lets hope so. It sure seems like we are directed in the right direction. Just need to keep it all up. Many people think divorce is easier than it is. It is HARD, so why not put that effort into trying to make things work first? She is full time at work now, and said she wants to keep it. I was fine with her working or not, her choice, so that is fine, but we have no days off the same, that really stinks. We will have to find ways to spend time together. She won't admit it, and I doubt I will ever bring it up, but I think part of our problem was her getting depressed, being almost a 100% stay at home mom. She is a very social, outgoing person. I think the last 4 years of her being home most of the time, took its tole on her.