I think having my life change so drastically the last couple of years, my assumptions proven so wrong, my disability to stop our distaster even after I realised we were getting there, my dad's cancer, my consequent feeling of being alone, being left with no safety net, both emotionally and in other practical ways have a bit (a lot to be honest)destroyed my PMA and made my rose painted glasses pitch black (correct Jeff, pitch or is it German?)
I have this sense of nothing being solid in my life, nothing being secured which of course is good thing in the end, but at the moment, makes my possible future life with H look not so bad in some ways. (*settling*, yes I admit it Iit has crossed my mind)
On the other hand, my character and my heart are totally against any kind of settling. So, I have been trying to convince myself that living with H could again become piece of a dream and at the same time make me feel there is a place where I belong. I know what you will all say and dont think I am naive or cant tell the difference between wishful thing and reality.
Also, apart from his random small or big like last last weekend's, blow ups he is NOT treating me like a jerk. Again that is subjective, others may think he is, but I think there is part of him that I know still and he is not a heartless bastard. If he was meaner or an a$$hole (excuse my French) it would have been done months ago.
Everytime I say I am done, I get sucked in again because of my fears and partly because of him staying low and acting as if "he wants to give me more but there are objective difficulties", so I get thrown in the endless loop of "maybe, what if, if then etc etc" and get some strength and patience until I run out again. I am cycling but I have to confess everytime I get closer to ending it.
On top of all this add guilt (and no I am not catholic but my mom did a pretty good job with this) towards my kids and weirdly for some of you, towards my close family.
I have been living alone with my kids and doing a pretty good job overall and people from "outside" like my GF today dont get that fear of mine. But having debts is fairly new for me, watching my apartment needing some repairs and not being able to plan those, or worrying about this year's vacation remind me of a new reality where my sitch is worse than it has been since I was 25 working and living on my own. SO I worked my cute little a$$ off for 13 years, only to find my self in such a bad state is giving me many sleepelss nights. The fact that I am here today is the result of me always being a partner with H, never trying to secure my self, trusting our marriage and him. So, I am mad about that too, at myself.
As you can tell I am having in depth evaluation of my .. head and heart trying to explain what I feel.
And last but not least, holding on to this, and investigating the slightest possibility of our M being "repaired", if it happened, would make everything I went thru meaningful and my original choice of man correct. Dont give me the "it is meaningful either way", you all know what I mean. K
