Newly separated...spouse left, 3rd thread

[antlers]

Think of it this way:

"She says it's over" - your old marriage is dead

"we have no future together" - the old you and old her are never to be together again because they are gone

"she's not coming back" - to your old relationship and old marriage

"she wants nothing to do with me" - she doesn't want anything to do with the you she's known for all these years, but she doesn't even know the new you you're going to become, so how can she know if she wants anything to do with him

"she hates me for treating her the way I did" - the old you treated her badly, she hasn't yet experienced how the new you will treat her

This is going to be a long process. The gift she has given you is freedom and time. Freedom to work on you, and time to really make it stick. If you have seen how you need to fix things in yourself, then take this opportunity to fix them. You'll feel better about yourself as you see and feel yourself changing into a better person. Just do it for you, not her. She may eventually decide she likes this new person and wants to get to know him.

The divorce process is slow. Try not to react even if she does file. She made her escape and she wants to make sure she never goes back to that place that left her so unhappy. Don't make her think you're trying to get her back to that place, or else she'll run away even faster. Make it clear she has her freedom, and you won't do anything to try to re-capture her. If you do end up back together, it has be from a place of complete free choice on her part (and yours), not because you're hurting, or lonely, or she feels obligated in some way.

Even if you do get a divorce, remember that 1 out of 6 people that divorce and eventually re-marry actually re-marry the person they divorced, so don't even think of divorce as some final door slamming shut and being forever locked.

Thank you for your different perspective on things! I've got to run some more errands, but I'll be back later to respond to your post. Thank you for being interested too! I don't want to hang onto false hope...and sometimes I kinda feel like we do that here to a certain extent. But I could be wrong about the false hope...maybe there is something to your perspective. I don't know! I just know her words hit me like a sledgehammer, and drove me into the ground. I'll talk to you later.

Thanks everybody for the input so far. Please keep it up! This board is pretty much my support system.

[antlers]

Think of it this way:

"She says it's over" - your old marriage is dead

"we have no future together" - the old you and old her are never to be together again because they are gone

"she's not coming back" - to your old relationship and old marriage

"she wants nothing to do with me" - she doesn't want anything to do with the you she's known for all these years, but she doesn't even know the new you you're going to become, so how can she know if she wants anything to do with him

"she hates me for treating her the way I did" - the old you treated her badly, she hasn't yet experienced how the new you will treat her

This is going to be a long process. The gift she has given you is freedom and time. Freedom to work on you, and time to really make it stick. If you have seen how you need to fix things in yourself, then take this opportunity to fix them. You'll feel better about yourself as you see and feel yourself changing into a better person. Just do it for you, not her. She may eventually decide she likes this new person and wants to get to know him.

The divorce process is slow. Try not to react even if she does file. She made her escape and she wants to make sure she never goes back to that place that left her so unhappy. Don't make her think you're trying to get her back to that place, or else she'll run away even faster. Make it clear she has her freedom, and you won't do anything to try to re-capture her. If you do end up back together, it has be from a place of complete free choice on her part (and yours), not because you're hurting, or lonely, or she feels obligated in some way.

Even if you do get a divorce, remember that 1 out of 6 people that divorce and eventually re-marry actually re-marry the person they divorced, so don't even think of divorce as some final door slamming shut and being forever locked.

Incidentally futureunknown...she told me last night that she dislikes the 'new me' even more than she disliked the 'old me'!
What's your take on that?

[clueless]

Incidentally futureunknown...she told me last night that she dislikes the 'new me' even more than she disliked the 'old me'!
What's your take on that?

I call bs. More likely she dislikes it because she still thinks/is afraid that it is temporary.

[futureunknown]

Incidentally futureunknown...she told me last night that she dislikes the 'new me' even more than she disliked the 'old me'!
What's your take on that?

You probably tried to point out how you're now different. She's extremely angry, and she'll take any opportunity to lash out, and the last thing she wants is you trying to tell her that NOW you'll be so different and great. She doesn't even really know the new you, she can't, because he doesn't fully exist yet. This is going to take a lot more time. Stop trying to make something happen, and just step back, let her go, give her the freedom she needs, and take this time to work on you. Shock her over how fine you are with all this. Make her think you've come to a new realization about everything, and you now see how right she is about everything, and that she's free to go and live her life. Better yet, actually believe that yourself! But don't say any of this, just do it and live it. She's going to need a lot of time to work through her anger. Her seeing you change very well might bring up that anger, because she'll think "Why couldn't he change before! Why did he have to make me leave!" Remember, no matter what she says, she didn't want to leave, she feels you left her no choice, eventually you forced her to do what she didn't want to do, now she has to live with the guilt, and she hates you for it." With time, her anger will subside, and hopefully she'll be open to seeing you in a new light.

Don't think of it as false hope. Hope by it's nature is risky, so don't build the foundation of your new life on this hope. The hope is just a special thing for you to carry with you if you choose to.

[antlers]

Think of it this way:

"She says it's over" - your old marriage is dead

"we have no future together" - the old you and old her are never to be together again because they are gone

"she's not coming back" - to your old relationship and old marriage

"she wants nothing to do with me" - she doesn't want anything to do with the you she's known for all these years, but she doesn't even know the new you you're going to become, so how can she know if she wants anything to do with him

"she hates me for treating her the way I did" - the old you treated her badly, she hasn't yet experienced how the new you will treat her

This is going to be a long process. The gift she has given you is freedom and time. Freedom to work on you, and time to really make it stick. If you have seen how you need to fix things in yourself, then take this opportunity to fix them. You'll feel better about yourself as you see and feel yourself changing into a better person. Just do it for you, not her. She may eventually decide she likes this new person and wants to get to know him.

The divorce process is slow. Try not to react even if she does file. She made her escape and she wants to make sure she never goes back to that place that left her so unhappy. Don't make her think you're trying to get her back to that place, or else she'll run away even faster. Make it clear she has her freedom, and you won't do anything to try to re-capture her. If you do end up back together, it has be from a place of complete free choice on her part (and yours), not because you're hurting, or lonely, or she feels obligated in some way.

Even if you do get a divorce, remember that 1 out of 6 people that divorce and eventually re-marry actually re-marry the person they divorced, so don't even think of divorce as some final door slamming shut and being forever locked.

I accept the fact that the old marriage is dead...I don't want it. I want a new marriage...I just want it to be with her.

I think she means that she and I have no future together...period. To her, it has nothing to do with 'old' or 'new' she or I.

I think she means she's not coming back to me...period.

You're right, she doesn't know the new me that I'm gonna become. She knows the 'new me' so far, and says she dislikes that one worse than she does the old me. She said that if I became the best man ever, that she still wouldn't want anything to do with me...because she still see's the same person that treated her the way she was treated.

**I do appreciate your particular perspective on her statements; there could be something to your perspective...then again, she could really be absolute in how she feels ...period. I don't know!

She only knows how I was...and she hates me for that. She doesn't know how I am now because we haven't been together for 5 months. She says she can't stand the way I am now. I don't understand that! I have gotten totally rid of my anger and resentment that caused the majority of our problems. I don't understand why she dislikes the 'new me'.

Do you think so? A long process? After last night...I 'feel' like I'll be getting served pretty soon! I could use the freedom and time to work on me, but it's hard for me to view it as a gift! And I don't feel any 'freedom'! I feel like I'm a prisoner of my memories, a prisoner of the loss of my hopes and dreams, a prisoner of the loss of my nuclear family, etc. I want to work on me, and make positive changes that are permanent. I need to be more compassionate, I think, first and foremost. I really haven't 'seen' and 'felt' myself changing into a better person...although I know that I am better now. I definately am learning some things, good things, as a result of the work I'm doing. Nothing mystical though. I have to do it for me...there is no 'her' anymore...as she made it clear last night. How can she like him and get to know him if we are divorced and have NOTHING to do with each other...as she wants?

How slow is the process in Oklahoma? I'll try...but I'm already crushed and anxious at just the thought of it! Just the idea that she would do it is devestating to me! She did make her escape...it was a well thought out plan. What do you mean by "she wants to make sure she never goes back to that place that left her so unhappy"? She left...she's gone! Could you explain your point? I validated her feelings and statements...I don't think I made her think I was trying to get her back to that place...but I could feel and hear her temperament change during the conversation several times. If she let her guard down for a nanosecond...she immediately attacked with a fury! She made it clear to me that she has her freedom! I have no control at all over her. She knows I can't 'recapture' her. She's made it clear that she's happier than she's been in 15 years! She says that even people at work notice how happy she is; and she says just the thought of me, or the sight of me...makes her nauseated and angry! Hard to imagine, in light of present circumstances, that we'll ever be together! I'm really sad at that thought. We invested nearly 2 decades in this marriage. I want her to love me like she once did, and have that be her motivation...'if' it ever happened.

I can't stand the thought of getting a divorce. 1 in 6 huh? That's a whopping 16.5%! I know it happens on rare occasions...but divorce usually means, for the overwhelming majority of people, as a final door slamming shut and being locked forever.

I appreciate your input, and look forward to more info. from you. Thanks.

[antlers]

Incidentally futureunknown...she told me last night that she dislikes the 'new me' even more than she disliked the 'old me'!
What's your take on that?

I call bs. More likely she dislikes it because she still thinks/is afraid that it is temporary.

I don't know...but I'd give anything if you were right! I feel pretty down right now...you know how it is...right after something really bad happens that rips your heart out? Your anxious, scared, sad, etc.

Why do I want more time to pass without her filing for a divorce?

[song]

Antlers,
I'm so sorry you got the secondary bomb last night - for me it was this past Sunday, and I'm still reeling. I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, but wanted you to know you are not alone, I am in the same boat in the same polluted swamp that you are, and we will make it through this.

I had the additional insult to injury of having my dog die yesterday - that's 2 in the past 4 months and 3 in the past 2 years. Like you, I really feel like my family is disintegrating around me, I can do nothing to stop it, and it hurts worse than anything I have ever experienced.

Someone posted "Next time, just stick a fork in my ear, it will hurt less", and it struck me as funny - like Homer Simpson says "It's funny because it's true"

There is some good advice on my thread, so you may want to jump over there and read it.

Hang in there buddy, it will get better.

[antlers]

Incidentally futureunknown...she told me last night that she dislikes the 'new me' even more than she disliked the 'old me'!
What's your take on that?

You probably tried to point out how you're now different. She's extremely angry, and she'll take any opportunity to lash out, and the last thing she wants is you trying to tell her that NOW you'll be so different and great. She doesn't even really know the new you, she can't, because he doesn't fully exist yet. This is going to take a lot more time. Stop trying to make something happen, and just step back, let her go, give her the freedom she needs, and take this time to work on you. Shock her over how fine you are with all this. Make her think you've come to a new realization about everything, and you now see how right she is about everything, and that she's free to go and live her life. Better yet, actually believe that yourself! But don't say any of this, just do it and live it. She's going to need a lot of time to work through her anger. Her seeing you change very well might bring up that anger, because she'll think "Why couldn't he change before! Why did he have to make me leave!" Remember, no matter what she says, she didn't want to leave, she feels you left her no choice, eventually you forced her to do what she didn't want to do, now she has to live with the guilt, and she hates you for it." With time, her anger will subside, and hopefully she'll be open to seeing you in a new light.

Don't think of it as false hope. Hope by it's nature is risky, so don't build the foundation of your new life on this hope. The hope is just a special thing for you to carry with you if you choose to.

I just told her that I've been working on myself, and that I will continue to do so regardless of what happens with us. She said "you need to learn from your mistakes" and I said that I 'am' learning from my mistakes and I'm gonna continue to do so. It really hurt when she said that maybe I wouldn't hurt the next person in my life like I did her. She is pissed, to say the least. I feel more anger from her than I did before she moved out! Even after she said she was leaving! I am a work in progress...but she doesn't care. You really think this is gonna take a lot more time. What about the things she said?
"Stop trying to make something happen, and just step back, let her go, give her the freedom she needs, and take this time to work on you." - I want so much to do this, but I'm afraid that now I'm gonna be getting served pretty soon! I really wish that we would have no contact at all, since that's what she wants, for a good while. The stuff that's been happening is that she is growing to hate me more and more! I'll have to fake the crap out of it! She knows me pretty well...surely she'd know that I was faking it! But I really don't want her to think that, now that I'm OK, she'll go ahead and get the divorce! I keep being told that she's gonna need so much more time than she's had so far (she moved out on Feb. 22nd) to work through her anger...but she hates me more and more as more time passes! I hope you are right about healing with time, for her, and seeing me differently.

I know, but it's hard to not think of it as a false hope, especially after hearing and feeling from her what I did last night. I certainly don't want to build it on 'false hope'! Well, should I carry it along (hope), or not?

**Hard for me to see anything other than darkness right now. What about a mindset? 'Let go of the rope'? 'Go dark'? or just accept that it's a done deal, and grieve, and try to move on?

I appreciate your time, effort, and input. All of you!

[antlers]

Antlers,
I'm so sorry you got the secondary bomb last night - for me it was this past Sunday, and I'm still reeling. I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, but wanted you to know you are not alone, I am in the same boat in the same polluted swamp that you are, and we will make it through this.

Like you, I really feel like my family is disintegrating around me, I can do nothing to stop it, and it hurts worse than anything I have ever experienced.

There is some good advice on my thread, so you may want to jump over there and read it.

Hang in there buddy, it will get better.

This is exactly how I feel! I'll go to your thread and look for more help...thanks. Thanks for the positive strokes too! I'm sorry for your troubles song. I hope it gets better for us both! I've been taking Celexa for about 2 and 1/2 months now...and I do think it helps! I just want to be able to get through the weekend OK, and not get too worked up over this...I'm by myself all weekend.

It's a damn shame that we have to lose the things we value most before we pull our heads out of our rearends and start doing the things that we should have done long ago.

[antlers]

This is going to take a lot more time. Stop trying to make something happen, and just step back, let her go, give her the freedom she needs, and take this time to work on you.

That's easy to say, but incredibly hard to do! Why is it so hard to just 'allow' things to happen instead of trying to 'force' things to happen? I find myself wanting to call her, or write her a letter, or text or E-mail...WHY? I know that words, no matter how carefully crafted, have NO EFFECT at all on her right now!

Please tell me about 'going dark' and 'dropping the rope'? Not saying I'm gonna do either of these...just want to know more about these strategies.

I HAVE TO LEAVE HER ALONE!

WHY DO WE WANT TO KEEP ON TRYING TO TALK TO THEM? WE KNOW THAT IT WILL NOT MAKE THINGS BETTER RIGHT NOW!