Newly separated...spouse left, 3rd thread

[antlers]

Think of it this way:

"She says it's over" - your old marriage is dead

"we have no future together" - the old you and old her are never to be together again because they are gone

"she's not coming back" - to your old relationship and old marriage

"she wants nothing to do with me" - she doesn't want anything to do with the you she's known for all these years, but she doesn't even know the new you you're going to become, so how can she know if she wants anything to do with him

"she hates me for treating her the way I did" - the old you treated her badly, she hasn't yet experienced how the new you will treat her

This is going to be a long process. The gift she has given you is freedom and time. Freedom to work on you, and time to really make it stick. If you have seen how you need to fix things in yourself, then take this opportunity to fix them. You'll feel better about yourself as you see and feel yourself changing into a better person. Just do it for you, not her. She may eventually decide she likes this new person and wants to get to know him.

The divorce process is slow. Try not to react even if she does file. She made her escape and she wants to make sure she never goes back to that place that left her so unhappy. Don't make her think you're trying to get her back to that place, or else she'll run away even faster. Make it clear she has her freedom, and you won't do anything to try to re-capture her. If you do end up back together, it has be from a place of complete free choice on her part (and yours), not because you're hurting, or lonely, or she feels obligated in some way.

Even if you do get a divorce, remember that 1 out of 6 people that divorce and eventually re-marry actually re-marry the person they divorced, so don't even think of divorce as some final door slamming shut and being forever locked.

I accept the fact that the old marriage is dead...I don't want it. I want a new marriage...I just want it to be with her.

I think she means that she and I have no future together...period. To her, it has nothing to do with 'old' or 'new' she or I.

I think she means she's not coming back to me...period.

You're right, she doesn't know the new me that I'm gonna become. She knows the 'new me' so far, and says she dislikes that one worse than she does the old me. She said that if I became the best man ever, that she still wouldn't want anything to do with me...because she still see's the same person that treated her the way she was treated.

**I do appreciate your particular perspective on her statements; there could be something to your perspective...then again, she could really be absolute in how she feels ...period. I don't know!

She only knows how I was...and she hates me for that. She doesn't know how I am now because we haven't been together for 5 months. She says she can't stand the way I am now. I don't understand that! I have gotten totally rid of my anger and resentment that caused the majority of our problems. I don't understand why she dislikes the 'new me'.

Do you think so? A long process? After last night...I 'feel' like I'll be getting served pretty soon! I could use the freedom and time to work on me, but it's hard for me to view it as a gift! And I don't feel any 'freedom'! I feel like I'm a prisoner of my memories, a prisoner of the loss of my hopes and dreams, a prisoner of the loss of my nuclear family, etc. I want to work on me, and make positive changes that are permanent. I need to be more compassionate, I think, first and foremost. I really haven't 'seen' and 'felt' myself changing into a better person...although I know that I am better now. I definately am learning some things, good things, as a result of the work I'm doing. Nothing mystical though. I have to do it for me...there is no 'her' anymore...as she made it clear last night. How can she like him and get to know him if we are divorced and have NOTHING to do with each other...as she wants?

How slow is the process in Oklahoma? I'll try...but I'm already crushed and anxious at just the thought of it! Just the idea that she would do it is devestating to me! She did make her escape...it was a well thought out plan. What do you mean by "she wants to make sure she never goes back to that place that left her so unhappy"? She left...she's gone! Could you explain your point? I validated her feelings and statements...I don't think I made her think I was trying to get her back to that place...but I could feel and hear her temperament change during the conversation several times. If she let her guard down for a nanosecond...she immediately attacked with a fury! She made it clear to me that she has her freedom! I have no control at all over her. She knows I can't 'recapture' her. She's made it clear that she's happier than she's been in 15 years! She says that even people at work notice how happy she is; and she says just the thought of me, or the sight of me...makes her nauseated and angry! Hard to imagine, in light of present circumstances, that we'll ever be together! I'm really sad at that thought. We invested nearly 2 decades in this marriage. I want her to love me like she once did, and have that be her motivation...'if' it ever happened.

I can't stand the thought of getting a divorce. 1 in 6 huh? That's a whopping 16.5%! I know it happens on rare occasions...but divorce usually means, for the overwhelming majority of people, as a final door slamming shut and being locked forever.

I appreciate your input, and look forward to more info. from you. Thanks.