Kalni, a yardarm is the cross member in a square rigged sailing ship...where the sails are tied too. It is also the place that the ship's captain could hang you from...now by the neck or some other appendage...that was always the question.
It is always difficult to deal with the unknown with our spouses. It causes fear since we feel like we are not in control. One of the things we learn here is to deal with the facts as we find them...not to assume the worse. I was reminded of that yesterday in my own sitch.
I had a good day today. Fun and easy. Just what I needed. H called once and sounded... super friendly and warm. I kept it short and polite.
FIB, my H is NOT at home with me because we both thought that it wouldnt be such a good idea for the kids while still trying to see if things could work out between us. He is NOT out of MLC lala land and yes I think he did have/has an MLC although I never posted to that forum. I dont think he has an on going affair but he has told me he is still in some contact with the woman I believe he had the affair with.
MY ISSUE is that I dont feel anything from him. I dont feel loved, cared for, I dont see remorse or any efforts to come closer to me. I think he has not changed at all and always and still looks for the easy way out. And that bothers me a lot. Where we have been, there is NO easy way out from. He cant do the work. Whether it's by choice or whether he is incapable of it, I dont know. The fact remains that 7 months later, we are still angry with each other and havent "connected" at all.
I dont know how to end it. I am having a hard time with it. Dont know why. K
One quick question- when H was super-friendly and warm why were you short and polite? I wonder if you responding to him being friendly and warm might stimulate him to do it more and create a flicker of connection at least.
Anyway, I hope you're OK and have a wonderful weekend this weekend. Try not to think about the situation at all and maybe an answer will present itself to you (on the ending it front).
K (the extra special one of course): << H called once and sounded... super friendly and warm. I kept it short and polite. Yes why didn't you flirt a bit? Like tell him what a beautiful day it is and which skimpy bathing suit you'll be wearing.
<< I dont think he has an on going affair but he has told me he is still in some contact with the woman I believe he had the affair with. Did you tell him how you feel about this and that you are going to continue to feel this way as long as he does it?
<< MY ISSUE is that I dont feel anything from him. I dont feel loved, cared for, I dont see remorse or any efforts to come closer to me. We know that you know how you feel and that's very important. And how does he feel about you? Does he know you know how he feels?
<< I think he has not changed at all and always and still looks for the easy way out. And that bothers me a lot. You can't force him to change, so why bother about something not in your control?
<< Where we have been, there is NO easy way out from. He cant do the work. Whether it's by choice or whether he is incapable of it, I dont know. He likes to do work doesn't he? Can you lead him to do a nice piece of work that he'll get addicted to?
<< The fact remains that 7 months later, we are still angry with each other and havent "connected" at all. Set the anger aside, its a side effect of hurt. Did you tell/show him where it hurts?
<< I dont know how to end it. I am having a hard time with it. Dont know why. You are afraid. What are you afraid of?
Hey K.. for some reason, I am glad that H called you.. I was also wondering though, as to why you kept it short and polite? Why not chat to him? Or if you still feel wounded by last weekend, can you not just express your sadness/hurt, WITHOUT getting angry? Just simply say its hard to talk to you, I am hurt abou last weekend, or that you havent seen him all week??? Just a suggestion. On the other hand, perhaps your feelings are dying/have died and you just couldnt be bothered to talk to him !!
Glad you had a good day, I am off to Chers (again!) talk to you tommorow
Flirt with him? FLIRT? You are kidding right? You must be. We havent talked all week. And the last time we talked he was sreaming I am the meanest person he has ever known, that he should know people (I) dont change, that he is fed up with playing my fool?
Flirt with that. No, I am not flirting with him. I am not Mother Teresa nor so desperate to "keep him".
Yes fb2, I made a big effort explaning to him how insecure that makes me feel. I said if she is just a friend, arrange to go out together. He said that wasnt a good idea. As to talking to her he said it's my problem, sucks to be me... NO compromise whatsoever. No alternative whatsoever.
I dont know how he feels about me. He has repeatedly ignored my request to tell me how he feels and what he waats from me. All I ever got was "I want peace". I guess by that he means to be left alone since anything I say about us he disregards as nagging (nugging?). He said my anger is mine to deal with. No compassion towards the woman he says he loves.
No, I cant force him to change. He said he wanted to when he said he wants back. He said he knew where he went wrong. He said he would do all necessary efforts to behave differently.
I can lead him all I can but if he feels it's too much he bails out. Standard procedure with him.
Yes, I've told him many times I feel rejected and hurt and disappointed in BOTH of us. usually I got "what the h$ll do you want? I see you as much as my work permits me to"
I am afraid. Definitely. The future maybe? Making the wrong choice? Being alone for the rest of my life? Raising my kids? Trying to figure that one out. K
I think what we are all trying to say on our own way is don't be angry when you talk to him, be pleasant and engaging. If you are having a hard time putting aside anger and hurt so is he. There is a lot of finger pointing going on and with no one willing to change, the cycle will continue.
Be the one to break it. Hugs.
kat PS, I am NOT trying to upset you, just maybe trying to get you to see the sun from another perspective.
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Flirting is being a doormat. What message does that give him?
Be angry at me...call OW..have an affair..but here I am cutsie wootsie.
NO!
I disagree with flirting and I agree with you Kalni. There are better messages...I think...that a woman can give off besides flirting.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
