Keel-hauled, but, more time with my kids

[faithisbelieving]

Everyone senses pain...I assure you there is none...except towards the impending loss of time with my kids.

Leader...many of us here..as men...become fearful of their wives...afraid to set boundaries....laissez faire...fear that if you say something, say no or draw a line that they are going to push their W's away etc. In the past, here in this forum...we had a big discussion on the phrase 'wuss' and alpha male. The words initially give a certain impression which is wrong.....

Leader means that you direct your family ....you make decisions that need to be made...you protect your kids...you set boundaries...you guide...I do homework with them and refused to allow her to take that away from me (she tried)...I stay in their lives....simply that.

Clarity...for me...was realizing that sitting around waiting for a lightening bolt to hit my W...for that "3-5 years" to arrive...for that "hope for reconciliation" to arrive....was fear and codependency and pure denial

Clarity was seeing how I failed to see what true love was in an M...how many of us don't understand women....how errors were made in choosing a companion....how insidious changes can take you off course.....

Clarity...is..just that....really seeing the truth...and realizing that you/we were only operating with the tools we had at the time and that understanding yourself is a better place to be


I am 'forced' to stay in the house for the following reasons. In the State of NY, the three main reasons for D are constructive abandonment (sexual abandonment), cruel and inhuman treatment and 12 month legal separation. NY requires you 'to find fault' with the other person. If either my W left or I left, I would be required by law to pay FULL TEMPORARY SUPPORT to my W and kids...not a calculated settlement. Once that happens, a divorce in our state can drag on for years because the woman typically enjoys the large support judgement. Thus...by 'staying' in the house it does one of several things:

• by showing that I paid virtually all the bills, my W was unable to prove that she needed maintenance and child support and the pendente lite was FAVORABLE for me. I basically was ordered to just continue to pay the bills and live at home with my kids
• I can't be shown to have abandoned my children thus giving me strong weight for joint physical custody. I initially filed for FULL CUSTODY,so, I HAD TO stay in the residence
• it forces a settlement (who wants to live this way?). My atty tells me over and over that if I leave or get ordered out, I will never get divorced

She is counseled similarly, I'm sure. Ultimately, I will most likely end up being asked to leave.
FIB