Still getting nowhere fast....

[lost-n-Iowa]

Hey everyone...

It's going. I have been throwing myself into work. Trying to catch up on everything that I have been neglecting since this has started. I get real down at times but I guess that is to be expected through all of this. I have talked to my MIL and she asked why I wanted a divorce because my husband had told her that he did not see this coming, that he thought we had been getting along really good these past few months and that he did not know where I was coming from.

So I told her all about her son. She said that she was having a hard time believing that he would do something like this. I said that I had a hard time at it too but that it had happened and that because of what he has been doing that he has lost his wife and his marriage. She talked to him and guess what? He denied it all. He said that my sister was a liar and that my sister is just mad at my h because he won't let her boyfriend live in the house that she rents from us. (That is another story but her bf did something to my H and that made him really mad and they have not gotten along since)

He also said that the web site was something that popped up on his computer and he had tried to get out of it but it is stuck on his computer.

I wasn't shocked that he tried to deny it but I had to laugh at it too. I told her that there was no way that my sister was lying and the MIL asked me how I knew that the text messages was even coming from my H's phone and that my sister was not making this up. I said that I had seen it on his phone that he had these text messages still there. I also told her that the only way that the profile would have gotten on the computer is if he put it there, that it had his birthday on it, a description of my H, the town that he was working in, and that it had sent a password to his email account. I told her that the computer just don't do that on it's own, that he had put that profile on there. I told her that I was computer savvy and not the stupid woman that they would like to believe I am, that I know how computers work.

She talked to him again and then back to me and his story changed that he had only been joking with my sister and that she must have thought that he was serious. I told my MIL that if it was a joke then my H was the only one that was laughing and that I was crying instead. i said if it was just a joke then why did he continue to contact my sister almost everyday, even on the day that he was served the papers asking if my sister wanted to get together with him for a one on one before he left for Maine. I said that there was no way that this was a joke and even if it was a joke I still would have filed for a divorce because I can not forgive him for his cruel ways. She said that he loved me and that I was seeing more into this than what there really was and that my H said that I should have talked to him before I decided to file for a divorce. I told her that no amount of talking is going to save this marriage now.

I already knew that he would scramble to figure out how to get himself out of being caught red handed, so this is not a surprise to me. What is a surprise is how I am second guessing myself even though I know that I should not. I have told other people what he has said they all agree with me and believe that this ws not a joke, the profile doesn't get there by itself, and the my h is backpeddeling as fast as he can trying to figure out a way to make himself look good and make me look like I 'jump' too fast to a bad conclusion. OH, WELL!!!

I a different note. I got an appointment to have STD's checked to make sure that I am okay. I also checked into some counceling but so far I am not happy with the choices that I have available to me. I like coming here and to my freinds and family. I don't want a some councelor telling me that it was my fault maybe so I am scared to go. I know its not my fault but I am scared one will tell me that I should have done this or should have done that and that I could have saved my marriage, or that I sent my H away to do these things since I have menopause and don't have a sex drive and that he needed to get it somewhere if I wasn't giving it out. I know that I am just being down on myself. I will have these days.

[lost-n-Iowa]

Well guess what I seen today...My H!! I just caught my MIL in a lie. She told me that my H had left to go to Maine already. I seen him today. He was in his car and I know it was him. I also memerized the plate numbers and when I got home I look at the registration that had just come in the mail to him and wouldn't you know it...it was his plate numbers. I can't believe that she says she doesn't want to get in the middle of it and that she wants to remain friends with me so that she can still come around and see the girls. Well if that is what she wanted then why the h**l is she lying to me? Guess we know where my H gets it from and who taught him to lie.

[Bridgestone]

Hi Lost
I can't write Much but I wanted to let you know I support you.

Don't count on mom's to side against their sons .... Many on here have said you need to DB family & friends too. You are doing good .. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter what he is doing or where he is as long as it's not hurting you or you're girls.

You have done a strong thing... Keep your chin up & your integrity in tact.
Hugs
Bridge

[lost-n-Iowa]

Just wanted to post today real quick... I am having a very low day. We are celebrating my daughter's birthday today (it really tomorrow) When my H was home and he did not know what was going on yet, we went shopping for her birthday together. He picked out what he wanted to give to her and now he is not here to give it to her because of me. I am second guessing myself that I should have waited until after her birthday. I know that i can not go back and change the fact that he has already been served but it still feels like I took this away from him and her. Even though he is not her daddy, he has been with us since she was 2 months old and she has always called him daddy and has said that she doesn't want her really father since she has her daddy (my H). I am just having a pity pot day today. We will be going around friends and family today so hopefully I will get out of it soon. I find myself missing my H and wondering if I can do this. I think that this all got started because I got papers in the mail yesterday from my lawyer that was from my H's lawyer. Reality is hitting hard and I don't like it and I am scared. I wish that I could have found the man that I fell in love with again, the man that I belived in and has faith in. But I know that the man that I am M to now can not be that man again. I know that I will still love him and have these low days and that they will get better over time. But it still hurts.

[lookingforsun]

Stopping by as promised, and catching up on this thread. I wish I had more words of encouragment, but I'm really at a loss sometimes... So many of these threads show the ups and downs of it all. The courage, and love people are capabale of showing amazes me. So very tough...

Keep your head up lost.

[lost-n-Iowa]

Quick note of update...

I have talked to my H now. I have heard all the this is what happened and the I know that what I did was wrong even if I did not knowit while I was doing it. I have heard the please give me another chance, the denial that he physically cheated on me but yes he did all the other stuff and so on. He has said that he will be completely committed to making this marriage work, that he will go to counceling and has even set up an appointment already to go, has said that he will quit his over the road job so that he is home every night, that he will take a lie detector test to prove that he has not cheated on me. and that he can't live without me and the girls.

I listened, I asked him questions about committment, trust, love, being faithful, putting his family first instead of himself, being a selfish, self centered, arrogant, sex addict and how he could change those things about himself to be the man that I married, trusting him ever again, believing the things that he says, believing in him again and so on.

I am not saying that I will give him another chance, but my heart is saying that I should and my head is saying to run. I will have to admit that I still love my H but I love theman that I married and not who he is now. Yes, I do want my M to work but I don't know if I can fogive him.

Does anyone have any advice on this?
My best friend that knows everything about his situation, has told me that I should follow my heart, to put the D on hold for a bit, and in the mean time if he does all the things that he says he will then maybe I should give him a second chance. I am so confused and annoyed by my own feelings.

Please give me some feed back on this.....

[lost-n-Iowa]

This is going to be a LONG one!!!!

I have been really thinking hard about what to do with my H and the fact that he wants to make things work. I had been contemplating the idea that even if we still go through with the divorce that going to a MC would still be good for both of us. That an MC maybe able to help me rebuild on my lack of self esteem and feeling like a failure in my M and helping me rebuild trust in people after what has happened. I am a firm believer in the fact that if you take your desctructive ways on to the next relationship then that relationship will probably end in failure to. That you have to learn to change those ways and only then you can move freely to the next relationship without extra baggage.

Any way after I had been thinking this then I talked to my H again and everything was different. He was a complete jerk again. I just ended up telling him that I really did not see how he could ever change and be a better person and that I had been extremely stupid to even consider giving him a 2nd chance. Then I hung up. The next day I get a text that said he was sorry last night. I texted back and said that sorry did not stop the pain in my heart for the way that he had treated me and the things that he had said. He then texted that he wanted to talk at lunch and that he loved me. I did not respond. At lunch he called me (and I should not have answered but I am a sucker for my H) and he said that he was sorry about all of it and that he had gotten angry and when he got angry he ended up wanting to hurt me emotionally because he was hurt that way. I said that by him doing it that way, he was pushing me farther away and that I was having doubts about a 2nd chance and that I did not think that it would work. He asked me to still go to the MC with him. I said that I would think about it.

The nasty night was on Thrusday, then its I'm sorry on Friday. What a freaking roller coaster of emotions. So I am thinking that I am not going to talk to him all weekend becasue it's Mother's Day and I don't want to have to deal with. Saturday before Mother's Day, I get a call that I need to pick up something at a garden nursery. I knew that my MIL had something for me for mother's Day so I thought it was that. NO it was from my H. He had purchased a VERY large arrangement of flowers over the internet on Friday for me. I did send him text that said thank you but that was all.

Saturday night. He calls and asked me what I thought of the flowers I told him they were very nice and that indeed it was a surprise. He said 'See I am tryingto show you that I love you and want to make this M work. Can we please go to the MC together?' I tell him fine that I will go. Then he says that I have to drop the protective order if I want to go with him to the same MC then. I say really that was a nice change up. Got off the phone with him and went out with friends.

Sunday, Mother's Day!! Had a great day with my girls!!! I would not have changed it for nothing!!!

He texted me and asked that I please drop the protective order and then we can go from there. I did not texted him back so he called. I answered and he repeated it to me. I said that I wanted the girls' phone number that he had been texting dirty messages to so that I could confirm that he had told her that he would not be doing this with her anymore. He said I had to drop the order first. I said that I did not want to drop it until I could confirm that he was making progress towards making this M work and getting out of his sexually destructive ways. He then says that the girl probably would not talk to me anyway. I asked why not if she and he has nothing to hide? He says that she does not like me. I asked why since I had only met her one time and that i was nice to her (that was before I knew all of the text messages were being sent back and forth with her). I said the only reason for her to not like me is because you (my H) had to have been badmouthing me to her to give her a reason not to like someone that she had never met but once. He said that he had only been telling this girl the truth about me. I said your distorted truth not mine.
He got mad and told me that my time was up on the phone to talk to him. I said there you go, back to your old controlling, rude, arrogant, and destructive ways and your time is up with me too and then I hung up. He texted later to say that he was sorry for that. I texted back and said:

'Yes you have done some things that are nice and show some changes. It's great to see that! It's hard 4 me to give of myself after such heart breaking betrayal. You may have done some outward things that are nice but you have not changed inside at all. Your still the same old (name) H with the same old thinking and same destructive ways. Hard for me to believe that dropping the order will help change your ways or your thinking."

I think I did good for standing up for myself through all of this crap that he keeps dishing out to me.

I am sorry that this was so long but I have not had time to get on here and vent like I would have liked. Hope you guys are still out there and have some advice for me. Need some advice right about now or even some sort of reassurance that I am not crazy!!! LOL!!

[breakaway]

This is going to be a LONG one!!!!

I have been really thinking hard about what to do with my H and the fact that he wants to make things work.

He does not want to make things work, he wants you back under his control!

I had been contemplating the idea that even if we still go through with the divorce that going to a MC would still be good for both of us. That an MC maybe able to help me rebuild on my lack of self esteem and feeling like a failure in my M and helping me rebuild trust in people after what has happened. I am a firm believer in the fact that if you take your desctructive ways on to the next relationship then that relationship will probably end in failure to. That you have to learn to change those ways and only then you can move freely to the next relationship without extra baggage.

This would be a great reason to see a COUNSELOR, not a Marriage Counselor. I agree, you need to look at your SELF-destructive ways so you don't take them into the next relationship, or get into a relationship you should never enter. The truth is, we are quite vulnerable to another man like this.

Any way after I had been thinking this then I talked to my H again and everything was different. He was a complete jerk again.

In other words, everything was the SAME!

I just ended up telling him that I really did not see how he could ever change and be a better person and that I had been extremely stupid to even consider giving him a 2nd chance. Then I hung up.

bravo!

The next day I get a text that said he was sorry last night. I texted back and said that sorry did not stop the pain in my heart for the way that he had treated me and the things that he had said.

bravo again!

He then texted that he wanted to talk at lunch and that he loved me. I did not respond.At lunch he called me (and I should not have answered but I am a sucker for my H)

He knows this and is going to keep working on that assumption.

and he said that he was sorry about all of it and that he had gotten angry and when he got angry he ended up wanting to hurt me emotionally because he was hurt that way.

well that was at least an honest answer...except for the being sorry about it.

I said that by him doing it that way, he was pushing me farther away and that I was having doubts about a 2nd chance and that I did not think that it would work. He asked me to still go to the MC with him. I said that I would think about it.

He is counting on you to give in. Don't say things like second chance or thinking about it. He will badger you and try to wear you down! It's worked before. It is going to take a LOT before he realizes he's finally screwed himself for good.

The nasty night was on Thrusday, then its I'm sorry on Friday. What a freaking roller coaster of emotions. So I am thinking that I am not going to talk to him all weekend becasue it's Mother's Day and I don't want to have to deal with. Saturday before Mother's Day, I get a call that I need to pick up something at a garden nursery. I knew that my MIL had something for me for mother's Day so I thought it was that. NO it was from my H. He had purchased a VERY large arrangement of flowers over the internet on Friday for me. I did send him text that said thank you but that was all.

MANIPULATION

Saturday night. He calls and asked me what I thought of the flowers I told him they were very nice and that indeed it was a surprise. He said 'See I am tryingto show you that I love you and want to make this M work. Can we please go to the MC together?' I tell him fine that I will go.

Okay, you've just told him that if he goes far enough, and sends you flowers and lies some more that you will give in!!! I'm not saying this to be mean, but flowers don't mean sh!t!! This is pure manipulation. The truth is that in every case, abuse gets worse every time you give in and go back. I would hate to see what "worse" looks like in his case!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then he says that I have to drop the protective order if I want to go with him to the same MC then. I say really that was a nice change up. Got off the phone with him and went out with friends.

WTG, lost!!!! Wooo hooo. Glad you saw right through his total unadulterated BULLSH!T. If he really were sorry, he would be respecting your wishes not blackmailing you out of them. The best part is this means he IS actually afraid of the protective order and doesn't want to break it. DON'T DROP IT, especially if that's what he's pushing for. He has an agenda.

Sunday, Mother's Day!! Had a great day with my girls!!! I would not have changed it for nothing!!!

So happy for you!

He texted me and asked that I please drop the protective order and then we can go from there.

Again, the fact that he's even asking you to do this, making conditions, etc, means he has not changed one iota, nor is there any reason on God's green earth to expect him to.

I did not texted him back so he called. I answered and he repeated it to me. I said that I wanted the girls' phone number that he had been texting dirty messages to so that I could confirm that he had told her that he would not be doing this with her anymore. He said I had to drop the order first. I said that I did not want to drop it until I could confirm that he was making progress towards making this M work and getting out of his sexually destructive ways. He then says that the girl probably would not talk to me anyway. I asked why not if she and he has nothing to hide? He says that she does not like me. I asked why since I had only met her one time and that i was nice to her (that was before I knew all of the text messages were being sent back and forth with her). I said the only reason for her to not like me is because you (my H) had to have been badmouthing me to her to give her a reason not to like someone that she had never met but once. He said that he had only been telling this girl the truth about me. I said your distorted truth not mine.
He got mad and told me that my time was up on the phone to talk to him. I said there you go, back to your old controlling, rude, arrogant, and destructive ways and your time is up with me too and then I hung up. He texted later to say that he was sorry for that. I texted back and said:

'Yes you have done some things that are nice and show some changes. It's great to see that! It's hard 4 me to give of myself after such heart breaking betrayal. You may have done some outward things that are nice but you have not changed inside at all. Your still the same old (name) H with the same old thinking and same destructive ways. Hard for me to believe that dropping the order will help change your ways or your thinking."

I think I did good for standing up for myself through all of this crap that he keeps dishing out to me.

((((lost))))

You did do a good job. I'm glad you see through his ridiculous statements, and that even in his "apologies" he continues to lie and attempt to control you. My advice is to NOT get drawn into these conversations with him. They have no point and only leave you feeling further disgusted. Try to ignore him.

I am sorry that this was so long but I have not had time to get on here and vent like I would have liked. Hope you guys are still out there and have some advice for me. Need some advice right about now or even some sort of reassurance that I am not crazy!!! LOL!!

Hell's bells...vent away girl. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

[Bridgestone]

Hi lost,
I'm glad you had a great mothers' day..

I could write ditto to EVERYTHING breakaway said..

he is manipulating you to get you back under his control.

He needs to work on him before MC can work..
You need to work on you before MC can work..

Keep the order in place..quit responding to him...
technically,if it is a no-contact order, given Iowa code you are both violating it & you BOTH could be placed in contempt of court. I know you don't want that! You want the courts to take your request for this order seriously when it comes time to settle this divorce.

It's hard to do.. very, very hard.. I've been there done that.. I know.

We told you he will do ANYTHING to get his 'illusion' of you back under his control... flowers, promises, cry, beg, plead, text...seems like he has done just that..

It's script... they all do & say those things.

Be strong, keep your head up & keep moving foward, feelings pass...there is a time to be logical.. this is it.

Abusers & serial adulterers take months & months & months of individual counseling to change behavior.. I doubt he has 'changed' in the time you have had the restraining order.

I'll suggest again to the book "love without hurt" by Stosny & read about why MC with an abuser is NOT a good idea & can hurt your relationship even more.

PLEASE.. get yourself into IC to work on your self-esteem, vent your anger & resentment, get advice, etc.... I think that is an EXCELLENT idea you had.

Peace & strength
Bridge

[lost-n-Iowa]

Thanks forthe responses. I really need that upward assurance that I am not crazy. LOL!!!

My H texted me today and was still saying the same things of going to a MC and dropping the divorce. I DID NOT ANSWER!!! I am so proud of myself. Since I did not answer him then he started texting asking me a bunch of questions about what i did on a certain night that I went out after I had filed the papers but before he had been served the papers. I still did not answer him and his texts continued and you could tell he was was getting more and more upset. I continued to read them but never texted back. He finally texted one last one that said he had to go back to work and tht he would call me later.

I WILL have will power tonight and not answer the text and the calls from him. I can do this. I will be contacting a MC for myself. I was thinking about going to the same one that he is going to but to do it on my own time and but not with him so that the MC will hear both sides and will be able to better help me though this. Also that the MC can see what I am dealing with in my H and that maybe the MC can give me better advice than if I go to an IC that only hears my side of it.

I feel better today that I have stood up for myself and I am trying set my own path.

Thanks for stopping by Bridgestone and Breakaway. I am really glad that you are here for me. I don't feel so alone in this. I do understand that I will get in trouble if I continue to talk to him. I am trying hard to stop.