WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 8

[confusedinpa]

I would continue to give her space and not really call unless necessary. Otherwise, what's the point of her moving out?

Actually from the way the two of you were getting along, talking/massaging, etc. moving out really didn't make much sense. She had to "escape" from something.

Give her some time to sort things out on her own.

It really didn't make much sense to me as to why she moved out. Prior to me "setting the cage door open" and said she was free to go, I thought we were starting to reconnect slightly. She still wanted to move out, and had called a real estate agent to list the house.

I think things were actually heading in a more positive direction right up until the time she talked to her friend whose husband had depression (remember, our counselor/my therapist thought I had suffered with depression during the years my wife said she was miserable). That friend stayed with her husband and lived for 13 years in misery right up to when he committed suicide at 46.

Right after that she shutdown and started to create distance again.....

Another thing is that she said about 2 years ago she felt that she was losing me and the marriage and dealt with all the grief tha was associated with it. She had felt that I had given up on the marriage. Now that she knows I haven't, she's struggling with why that's not making her happy. Perhaps she's struggling with her feelings like I am trying to decide how I feel. Only she knows that. I'm not going to waste my time/energy to figure it out for her. I will support her if she asks for it.

I'll keep giving her time and space, but will move more towards the integrated man during our interactions - being friendly and upbeat. I'll still leave it up to her to call me, unless absolutely necessary.

Thanks for everyone's support and encouragement.....

[confusedinpa]

On the way to school (aka daycare), my 3 year old asked to talk to mom. I called and gave him my cell phone. I had it on speaker phone so I could listen in. At the end, he asked me if I wanted to talk to her. Since I know she heard him ask me, I said ok

I put on an upbeat/positive tone and told her that he wanted to talk about his visit to my 7 year olds school. She seemed to appreciate it. I told her that I figured she was going to getting ready for work so I would get off the phone.

When I got to work, she had sent me an email on some local news that she knew I would be interested in. I thanked her. And she responded

Pretty light exchanges so far

[MrBond]

I still think you need to ween her off a little. Right now you're doing the exact same thing as when you two were living together.

So what's the point of the move? You're still being reactive to her. Don't be totally cold, but you're too accessible.

[confusedinpa]

I still think you need to ween her off a little. Right now you're doing the exact same thing as when you two were living together.

So what's the point of the move? You're still being reactive to her. Don't be totally cold, but you're too accessible.

She actually tried to call me a couple of times during the day, but I didn't answer the call. She didn't leave a message either.

I was actually talking to my friend who is a WAW. She thinks my wife still isn't sure of what she wants, but thinks it's good that she sees how it would be if we do divorce - I would be cordial and polite, but we wouldn't be friends. My firend suggested I continue to do what I'm doing as it seems to be getting a reaction from her. Problem is I'm just not if its the reaction that I want.....

Also, I don't see what Gucci was saying about how she is pursuing me though. Then again, I am pretty dense.

Either way, my therapist and my friend who is a WAW, are really pushing me to really think about what I want. I do want to save the marriage and know it's the right thing to do for me and the kids. Problem is, when they ask me what I love about my wife, right now, the way my wife is, there isn't much that I do love about her. I know this is the normal part of the process, but it is pretty disturbing.

I know I've batted this topic around a couple of times, but I still haven't resolved it. I had thought it would be a lot harder to go Dark/Dim, but aside from going too far to the point of being cold, it's not that hard for me to be Dark/Dim.

I am trying to make myself less accessible (i.e. not answering calls/emails and ending the calls first so I can keep them short). I'm working on getting a life as I'm going to the gym and trying to plan a nite out with a couple of my friends when I don't have the kids. Things are also very busy at work as we have just acquired a second company within the last 4 weeks. This one is in Texas so I know I'm going to have to spend time there during the due diligence process over the next 45 days. The first company is only about 1.5 hours away so I go out there once/week. So I have been really busy - maybe that's why I haven't missed her yet.....

So the Dark/Dim struggle continues....

[MrBond]

You're doing fine.

In your sitch, I don't think your W is pursuing. She's coping with the sitch by having you as a security blanket that she doesn't want to let go of to look at herself. Or at least that's my read. She didn't want to go to IC, she complains that she has "anger" towards you that she can't let go of, She gripes about how you were in the past and how much she had to deal with; AND YET, she calls you constantly and complains about you be "cold" when you have nothing to say.

It's all in her and there has to come a time where she's going to have to face that. However it's hard for her to do that when you're always around to be the person she can talk to, yet turn around and blame.

She's the one suffering from insecurity and low self-esteem which is why you have to remain strong. My W was the same way. It wasn't until after we were separated and she continued to get angry at me for no apparent reason that I put my foot down and told her that she was the cause of most of her problems not me, that she stopped and LISTENED.

Again, you're still early in this, so just take it patiently. Don't listen to your friends or therapist if you disagree. My T was surprised I actually got her to come back to the house because he thought her mind was made up and our M was dead. Only you can decide when to give up.

The confusion of continuing or not is going to be with you for a very long time. Just understand that that's the case and put it in a little corner of your mind.

What are your plans for the weekend?

[confusedinpa]

You're doing fine.

In your sitch, I don't think your W is pursuing. She's coping with the sitch by having you as a security blanket that she doesn't want to let go of to look at herself. Or at least that's my read. She didn't want to go to IC, she complains that she has "anger" towards you that she can't let go of, She gripes about how you were in the past and how much she had to deal with; AND YET, she calls you constantly and complains about you be "cold" when you have nothing to say.

It's all in her and there has to come a time where she's going to have to face that. However it's hard for her to do that when you're always around to be the person she can talk to, yet turn around and blame.

She's the one suffering from insecurity and low self-esteem which is why you have to remain strong. My W was the same way. It wasn't until after we were separated and she continued to get angry at me for no apparent reason that I put my foot down and told her that she was the cause of most of her problems not me, that she stopped and LISTENED.

Again, you're still early in this, so just take it patiently. Don't listen to your friends or therapist if you disagree. My T was surprised I actually got her to come back to the house because he thought her mind was made up and our M was dead. Only you can decide when to give up.

The confusion of continuing or not is going to be with you for a very long time. Just understand that that's the case and put it in a little corner of your mind.

What are your plans for the weekend?

Thanks for the encouragement Stuck.

I have the boys until Sun AM. Tonite we're going to go out to eat - I'll let them pick the resturant. I'm going to cook on Sat. It's suppose to be a rainy weekend so Sat we're going to finally put together the furniture that we picked up from a Ikea a couple of weekends ago (the Sat that my wife moved out). My boys like to "help" me assemble things. If it stops raining enough, the boys had wanted to go minature golfing. Hope we can do that.

On Sunday, after my wife picks up the boys, I'm going to church, then to the gym and hopefully meet up with one of my friends for some beers and wings in the afternoon. If it doesn't rain, I'll have to cut the grass.

So it's a pretty busy weekend.

My friend, who is the WAW, suggested that after 4 weeks, I should ask my wife about going out on a date. I should get some idea where my wife is at with her answer. I was surprised when she suggested that as she said that she spent the first 6-8 weeks getting her apartment setup so she didn't have time to think about anything until after that point. I'll just play it by ear.

Hope you have a good weekend too!

[confusedinpa]

Just catching up on my journaling.

I picked up my boys and we went out to dinner. My 3 year old seems to be coming down with something (he couldn't even eat his ice cream for dessert!). After I put the kids to bed, my wife called to talk to the kids. My 7 year old was still up so I let him talk to her. After he was done talking, he asked me if she wanted to talk to me and then handed the phone to me. We chit chatted real quick and I put my oldest back to bed.

She then slammed me with several text about tactical issues - one of them was related to meeting to see my 7 year old play dodgeball at the Y in the morning. I waited about 30 minutes before I called her to answer her text. After I answered her questions, she started chatting. I ended a call after about a couple of minutes saying it was getting late and she was sounding tired.

My wife then called me in the morning to coordinate the time we would meet at the Y. We met at the Y, my 3 year old was really not doing well. He fell asleep on my lap. My wife offered to pick up some medicine for him. I took her up on it and I also gave her a shopping list that I had planned to pick up as well. I gave her some cash and when I got home with the boys, she had picked all the stuff up for me.

After I put the kids to bed, I noticed she sent me another text (just tactical stuff). I don't think I need to answer it as I'll see her in the morning when she picks up the kids.

It's 2 weeks. It's still early, but seems like a lifetime.

[confusedinpa]

She picked up the kids yesterday morning. She had text me on her way over and I asked her to pick up coffee for me. She did

After she left with the kids, I went to the gym and then did some house work. I wound up going out for beer and wings with my friend. I go home just before she called for me to say good nite to the kids. We chatted lightly before she passed the phone to the kids

Not too much happening. Its a busy week for me at work.

I'm trying to decide how to handle Mother's Day. My initial thought is to take her and the boys out for brunch. Any comments?

[MrBond]

Don't take her out. Get her something small and thoughtful from the boys and that's it. Spend the time and money on your mom.

[confusedinpa]

Don't take her out. Get her something small and thoughtful from the boys and that's it. Spend the time and money on your mom.

Guess it was fate. The places I would have wanted to go to was booked up.

I was going to see a lot of her this week anyway. Weds was for baseball with my 3 year old. Fri my 7 year old is throwing out a pitch at a minor league game. Sat was Dodgeball again.

Busy week...