Just so you know...

[bluerain]

We talked last night, for a few hours while I was finishing up a paper I was writing. I had to go to bed so I ended the convo, and he texted me as soon as I got up. His hotel room had BED BUGS!!! ewww. So he proved me wrong about the whole waiting thing. Im still just really concerned that this is all "just friends" behavior.

Speaking of being super busy, I got a load of gravel yesterday. Who could have thought that gravel would be so exciting! I finished my greenhouse floor, its been a dirt floor with a flagstone walkway for 3 years now, and it looks great, and filled in some places where Ive been having some standing water problems. And unloading a pickup of gravel was quite a workout!

[bluerain]

Last night at about 9:30 my time H texted me about this survival show thats based in Alaska, I think its on the discovery channel. He said that he was watching it thinking that we could totally do that. (WE?) I sent him one back saying that I had seen and yes, we (WE?) would rock it. Only if he chopped the wood though. He replied saying that "I dont have a problem with that babe!" (BABE?)

Lo and behold when I asked him what he was up to he said that he was drunk in his hotel room. Of course. He told me how much I rocked and that I was awesome and all that, and I told him I had to go to bed. At ten.

I would love to ask him today just how much he had to drink last night. That was the first time he has been that affectionate in well over a year. Liquor induced, I know. I think that if I brought it up I would embarrass him and he would take most, if not all of it back. I think that Ill just enjoy the 20 minutes that I had with the man I married and leave it be. Who knows, maybe this cracked open the door.

I wish that was how he really felt, and that he didnt have to be hammered to tell me, but I just cant count on that, I dont want to put my faith into a drunken text messaging one night stand.

[DCBHM]

Just take it for what it was. Let him initiate. Maybe he'll think on it and you not asking about it will make him consider it more? Or maybe he won't remember it. Either way, until actions start matching words I'd just continue doing what you are doing.

[bluerain]

I gave in and told him that "Hey, the other night was really nice, I know that you were probably just drunk texting, it just made me feel good, so thanks. There, I wont ever mention it again!" He replied "You do rock"

Hmm. I wish that this meant what I wish it did. If that even makes sense...

[bluerain]

Ugh. Today is terrible. My dad called me today to let me know that my uncle had passed away... Bye uncle jim. Its strange, growing up in Alaska, I dont really know much outside my nuclear family, but he was one of the people that I really did remember. I also got a nasty phone call from the propane company, my payments arent paying it off fast enough. And they have changed the structure of student loans in the state of Ak, so Im no longer eligible. In fact, 75 to 80% of students in the University System are no longer eligible. So thats it, bye college. I cant come up with an extra 4 grand a year, I barely get by now. Im working on internships that hinge on the fact that Im working on my degree. Fish and Wildlife doesnt employ people in my position who dont have a degree. So thats probably it for that too. I woke up and my dog had pooped on the floor, and then got it EVERYWHERE in my room.

I just want to go back to bed, but I cant because my room stinks. This is all before 9:30 am! Thats it, Ive had enough! Today freaking blows!

[karen43]

So sorry about your uncle, Blue. It always seems to work like that, everything all happens at once! I don't have any financial advice to give, I need it myself, but I do know things have a way of working out. Karen

[bluerain]

Thanks Karen, it helps to have someone remind me that things will be ok.

What a difference a day makes! Its a beautiful day, my poor old doggy had a poo free night, She has really bad arthritis in her spine, leading to poor nerve conduction, and the fecal incontinence sort of spells the end of the road for her. Thats another reason why the poo mess really made me sad. Im just going to let her sleep on the couch and eat lots of treats.

Its 51 degrees!!! And its only 9:20!!! Its the warmest its been this year, and so early in the morning! Today is going to be absolutely beautiful. My PMA is so much easier to maintain with bright sunshine!

I texted with H several times yesterday, he initiated the 2nd and 3rd conversations, I wanted to let him know about my uncle. I told him about this island that I would like to have a house on, Pennock Is, in southeast Ak, (Of course I wouldnt ever go back there, its where SHE lives, ugh, she ruined one of my favorite places for me!) and that Ive had a few dreams about it. He said that he wouldnt mind being a pennock-er. Hes been talking about things that "We" would do and that makes me nervous, since hes not right here, and I cant actually speak to him without breaking down (Talk about acting "As if"!) its tough to tell exactly what he means.

Im going to head to the nursery with my dad shortly, mom tried to get to Or. in time to say goodbye to my uncle, but dad doesnt fly out for a few days, so hes all by himself. Ive got to get him out of the house. Its a great day to plant some stuff! But its kind of a pain because its still getting below freezing every night so everything that goes into the greenhouse in the morning has to come back out at night. Its my new routine.

[karen43]

Blue, so glad you're having a better day today! I've been through that before with dogs also; now I just appreciate every day I have with them!!! They have so much unconditional love--I love that!!! Karen

[bluerain]

Another gorgeous day today. Im gonna slather on some tanning lotion and do some outside chores. I think that I can move my deck furniture outside and hose the ash off of things, including the house. Theres still so much ash from the volcano that if you walk around in the grass (which is still dead from winter. stupid winter) you kick it up and its very irritating to your lungs and eyes.

Its 58 here so far and I am sooo excited. Last summer wasnt that great, since I work outside every day I got rained on almost all summer. But so far this one is shaping up rather nicely. Camping will be so much better if I dont have to spend days drying out!

I just have this sort of underlying bad feeling. Just like deep down Im not really happy or something. Its hard to describe. But Im just not feeling very good this weekend.

Karen, I took my younger dog to my parents yesterday, and he got to chase his first bunny! Of course he didnt catch it, he weighs almost 150 lbs, so hes a giant lumbering oaf, but it was cute. Hes so great, H tried to take him when he left, but I told him no, you abandoned all of us! And at that point I would be dammed if the OW was going to raise my Charley! He also saw chickens for the first time. Didnt quite know what to think of them, but he couldnt help himself from chasing them just a little. I am so thankful for my dogs, I dont know if I could have come as far as I have without them!

[bluerain]

Well, H was planning a trip up here to get some of the things that he left with his roommate last summer before he transferred, It was just going to be an extra leg on a work trip that would have brought him back to Alaska. He texted me to tell me that he had gotten bumped from the trip and I told him I hate to say it, but woohoo!!! I had already told him that I didnt want him to see me until after I have been working all summer, because my job is physically intense, so it does great things for my body. He said that it made him smile.

I know that Im just delaying the inevitable, but it is such a relief to know that hes not going to be here in 2 weeks. I feel like its bought us time to keep up the repairs I guess.