Spoke to my IC today about everything that transpired over the weekend. She said I seemed "strong but vulnerable" in what I had written to W. She also cautioned me against that - saying that based on everything I've told her about the relationship, W is toxic to me and that I'm reacting "normally" as someone who deals with a Borderline does. She says the thing I have going for me is my logic/rational center is able to override my emotional side and I'm making decisions that go against what I'm feeling - but which are the correct decisions - such as protecting myself legally.
To that end - I'm also doing quite well at the DB stuff. But it won't matter. IC tells me that a relationship with a Borderline is like a drug. She told me to keep that mental image because it is important. She did say that the BPD individuals she's dealt with can get better, but it is long-term and the therapy is extremely intense.
She said the percentage chance is pretty low of things being able to work out. It is Christian-based counseling, but after everything I've told her - she has started using some quite non-Christian language to describe what I'm being put through.
I told her my date of June 1 I'm giving to see positive traction. She told me she'd advise May 1... so I'm guessing I should consider some things.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Last night I had problems sleeping. I guess reconciling my feelings emotionally with my logic center telling me that the risk of reconciling opens me up to too great a risk if it ever happens. With the way today's laws are, how long before a fake DV allegation is made? You don't get much of a chance to defend yourself before getting railroaded into the system.
Went to see D1 this morning. She had taken another child's shoe and was walking around the room with it. She kept smiling and giggling. When I went to leave the daycare worker was telling her, "D1 go give your daddy a hug bye because you know you'll cry when he leaves." Sure enough, when I went to leave she chased me to the door and started going "Dada!" and crying. The daycare worker said "I told you so."
I've built a pretty good rapport with some of the workers now, and although they haven't mentioned my exposure email I know at least four of them have read it, and I'm sure it is making the rounds in terms of gossip. I'm sure it makes the fantasy a little less appealing... especially since they've seen a "darker" side of W in the way she's been blaming, etc. me for everything and now a lot of that is being re-examined in light of new information that wasn't a part of the initial "brief" she gave everyone.
Now I just continue killing with kindness. I'm curious to see how W/MIL respond tomorrow morning when I pick up D1. Anger should be short-lived if they have any conscience at all... but I'm beginning to doubt they are capable of empathy. Since the drama started I haven't heard them ask a single time if I was handling things okay. There has been no shortage of personal attacks and threats.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
"I told her my date of June 1 I'm giving to see positive traction. She told me she'd advise May 1... so I'm guessing I should consider some things."
I concur. She brings out a vengeful side of you. that they are waiting to use against you. best to leave these people alone. there is something wrong with them in the head.
SteveMcQueen "So I'll meet you at the bottom if there really is one They always told me when you hit it you'll know it But I've been falling so long it's like gravity's gone and I'm just floating"
Did your W ever respond to your letter? I just read it and it was a great letter.
Nope. I do know she has read it, or at least opened it. She got it last Sunday. My exposure went off on last Saturday around 2:30pm. I noticed in my sent folder lots of the people were forwarding the email - I assume to her. I heard through the grapevine threats of "Restraining Order" but that has since died down afaik. Haven't even heard from my attorneys about it, and I sent them copies of everything as well on Sunday.
I do know several of the people who have read it, and none of them have spoken to me about it. I'm sure many people are discussing it, mulling it over, not wanting to get involved, etc. - but in a legal sense my objective is also to neutralize potential negative advocates she was building up in the distortion campaign.
Have been mulling over the idea of truth darts... seems like it will either escalate her behavior or cause it to collapse. i.e.
"The real victims of your behavior are the children you promised to put before yourself."
"How would you feel if your mother had left your father for an alcoholic who lived with his parents? How will D1 feel?"
I suppose I will hold off on any of those until she chooses to continue parading around next door. I also need to make them as neutral/court-friendly as possible, so I'm going to need to be very careful with the wording if I do choose to go that route.
Originally Posted By: Steve McQueen
"I told her my date of June 1 I'm giving to see positive traction. She told me she'd advise May 1... so I'm guessing I should consider some things."
I concur. She brings out a vengeful side of you. that they are waiting to use against you. best to leave these people alone. there is something wrong with them in the head.
I agree, and as much as I try not to emotionally respond it is difficult to detach 100%.
If I ever do hear that she wants to reconcile there is a long list of preconditions meant to guard myself financially and legally that she would never accept.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
My time with D1 yesterday went well. It was raining, so I had to hurry to get her in my truck. My cousin was visiting, so he rode with me during the pickup. W/MIL acted defensive in posture, but I handed W a check for her portion of the tax refund as promised, so that was matter-of-fact. Told them I'd see them at 4, and MIL just repeated what I said.
We went to the mall, ate some chicken, and went to look at cameras/hats. Then we went to the grocery store and I bought some mini-cupcakes for D1. My two boys spent the evening cleaning, and D1 explored the house after eating her cupcake.
W/MIL and one of W's friends from work showed up around 4 to get D1 (They didn't bother knocking). W/MIL acted 'as if' nothing was wrong, were talkative, etc. and said "We'll see you later DCBHM" and said goodbye to the boys. I'm sure it was an act for W's friend, but there was nothing negative about the visit and nothing was mentioned of my expose' from last week.
Now: There are two parts of me at war right now. There is the emotional part which wants more than ever for my M to be saved, and is hurting/agonizing over the infidelity, and is encouraging me to re-read DR chapters over and over. Then there is the rational part of me which is weighing pros/cons of the relationship as well as risks such as false allegations/etc. W has been making as too risky to be braved, especially if she is diagnosed with BPD.
The emotional part of me says "give her another chance" and is the part of me that is standing up for what I believe in. The rational part of me recognizes that W has pretty much trashed me to all of her relatives, friends, etc. and that if she has a hope of gaining the upper hand she will not hesitate to go in for the kill on me in the legal arena.
In fact... I'm quite certain that the only time W will begin moving back towards the M will be when I have made great traction in the legal process and her custody of D1 is threatened.
I'm quite certain MIL was "well-meaning" when she contacted a lawyer friend on W's behalf, but moving our conflict from a family issue into a legal issue was like tossing a guppy (W) into an aquarium with a bull shark (me) hoping that happiness would be forthcoming.
So I'm having to basically make it up as I go along, and I feel like a walking contradiction expressing hope for the M while I'm simultaneously fighting a war in the legal process. I can't risk pulling my punches because I only get one shot at the custody thing with this sort of advantage... but I do have concerns that the M will be damaged even further, although W has made clear her intention that the M is dead and she has no desire to entertain anything except the D.
I think my best option at this point is to LRT/ALRT and when I recognize it is crunch time I will have to make an ultimatum possibly.
Anyone have any pointers on helping hasten an end to the A beyond exposure?
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Yes. Part of me wants to deny that she is an undiagnosed BP, but her journal/behavior reads like a who's who of the DSM-IV criteria for the disorder.
Ultimately her words and actions towards myself and the children are inexcusable and I should really not be holding out hope for anything.
Her distortion campaign was underway long before we got to this point. Spreading rumors/lies around the neighborhood - and looking back she would repeat some of them to me and I'd ask why she was telling people something that wasn't true. I wasn't aware I was dealing with crazy at that point.
I lost 40 lbs in a month when this started... she tried everything she could do in order to make me feel horrible about myself. Eventually I stood up and pulled it together enough to withstand their sneak attack with the lawyer. Now I'm holding the cards and setting the pace.
I guess what upsets me... I've pulled together a long-term gameplan to trial. I just didn't want to go this route - because ultimately these things just create hurt feelings... but then I remind myself that I was the one who was attacked. I'm the defendant. even if in name only.
I did not see this coming... subconsciously I knew something was going to happen... but I didn't anticipate the depth of depravity that I would be facing. People I loved and respected too weak to stand for anything - and to even be openly complicit in the destruction of my marriage - after I put myself through extreme stress just to be there for them!
They couldn't be bothered to lift a finger for me. So I'm going to do what I have to do. I just hate being in this position... I'm a good warrior in the legal sense... but a reluctant one because I've experienced first-hand the damage that occurs.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I think your conscience is bothering you because you know you will be purposely hurting someone you love. I, personally, don't think you have a choice under the circumstances. Perhaps talking to a pastor would help you...????
I think your conscience is bothering you because you know you will be purposely hurting someone you love. I, personally, don't think you have a choice under the circumstances. Perhaps talking to a pastor would help you...????
As good as I am at the legal stuff I think it is a distasteful way of deciding the future of your relationship and parenting with your spouse.
I told W/MIL as much prior to the initiation of hostilities. Adversarial divorce is a poor way to prepare for life after divorce.
But MIL/W's ego wouldn't let me off that easy. She felt a burning desire to place blame - and so they were insistent on doing so - with or without evidence. Of course... they didn't anticipate me coming right back with actual evidence.
My mom shared the following with me: No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.
~Isaiah 54:17
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
