Newly separated...spouse left, 3rd thread

[volleydog]

Boy it sounds like we had pretty much the same call last night. It sucks today but it will get better.

[Steve McQueen]

some advice from someone who has been in your situation, and has been following you thread.

the ball is not in her court. she just gave you the ball. now show her you dont mind playing with yourself, or better yet that this game rots and youre going to play a different one.

"She says it's over, we have no future together, she's not coming back, she wants nothing to do with me, and she hates me for treating her the way I did."

dont fret too much over it. she gave up her loss. its time to show her actually what she lost by saying this too your. it is the only way to save yourself and possibly your marriage.

you might actually find it funny when she realizes the impact of those words on her when you are capable of standing on your own 2 feet and might not even want her back.

SteveMcQueen
"So I'll meet you at the bottom if there really is one
They always told me when you hit it you'll know it
But I've been falling so long it's like gravity's gone and I'm just floating"

[dburt]

Now is not the time to sulk, she has given you an oportunity, embrace it. No more pleading not to do this. Has she given you any papers? What can we do this weekend?

Burt

[antlers]

Boy it sounds like we had pretty much the same call last night. It sucks today but it will get better.

You know how it is, when a bad thing hits you square in the face, it's pretty overwhelming!

The memories, the hopes and dreams, etc...it's painful stuff to think about. I don't want to think about...but it's hard not to.

I know the passage of time will be good for all of us. I thought God would shine his love on my circumstances and show me my life in a more positive light...it just hasn't happened.

I don't know whether to drop the rope, go dark, or just resolve to the fact that it's a done deal and WILL HAPPEN and try to go on from there?

[antlers]

Now is not the time to sulk, she has given you an oportunity, embrace it. No more pleading not to do this. Has she given you any papers? What can we do this weekend?

Burt

Sulking has done me not one bit of good ever since this thing started months and months ago! Could you expand on just what opportunity she has given me Burt? Maybe I'm standing knee deep in the river and dying of thirst...but I just don't see it from where I am right now! I'd like to embrace this 'opportunity'...whatever it is. Seriously...I'd appreciate your help...and anybody else's too! I haven't been pleading...I did ask her in a calm voice to please reconsider before taking that final step. No, she has not given me any papers. This weekend I'm scheduled to work 7a-7p on both Saturday and Sunday in the ER. Today I'm going to Home Depot to get some flowers for our flower beds here at the house. I'll start planting them if the rainy weather lets up. There is lots of housework to do too! I'm glad I'm working...the kids are out of town with her for the weekend...don't know what I'd do if I weren't working this particular weekend!

I want for some time to pass, without me having any, and I mean any, contact with her at all! And I hope she doesn't file for divorce during that time. Maybe I'm wrong...but the passage of time without anything bad happening feels better to me.

I feel pretty numb...not sure if it's a protective mechanism or what! Man, I just feel like I'll spend the rest of my life by myself right now.

[antlers]

some advice from someone who has been in your situation, and has been following you thread.

the ball is not in her court. she just gave you the ball. now show her you dont mind playing with yourself, or better yet that this game rots and youre going to play a different one.

"She says it's over, we have no future together, she's not coming back, she wants nothing to do with me, and she hates me for treating her the way I did."

dont fret too much over it. she gave up her loss. its time to show her actually what she lost by saying this too your. it is the only way to save yourself and possibly your marriage.

you might actually find it funny when she realizes the impact of those words on her when you are capable of standing on your own 2 feet and might not even want her back.

SteveMcQueen
"So I'll meet you at the bottom if there really is one
They always told me when you hit it you'll know it
But I've been falling so long it's like gravity's gone and I'm just floating"

Thanks for responding. I've got to leave for a bit...but I'll come back later and respond to your post. I appreciate your input!

[antlers]

some advice from someone who has been in your situation, and has been following you thread.

the ball is not in her court. she just gave you the ball. now show her you dont mind playing with yourself, or better yet that this game rots and youre going to play a different one.

"She says it's over, we have no future together, she's not coming back, she wants nothing to do with me, and she hates me for treating her the way I did."

dont fret too much over it. she gave up her loss. its time to show her actually what she lost by saying this too your. it is the only way to save yourself and possibly your marriage.

you might actually find it funny when she realizes the impact of those words on her when you are capable of standing on your own 2 feet and might not even want her back.

SteveMcQueen
"So I'll meet you at the bottom if there really is one
They always told me when you hit it you'll know it
But I've been falling so long it's like gravity's gone and I'm just floating"

I would appreciate any advice from anyone here, especially from someone who has been in my situation! Thank you for following my thread.

Please explain to me how the ball is not in her court? Tell me how she gave me the ball? Tell me how to show her I don't mind playing with myself, or better yet, that this game sucks and I'm going to play a different one?

Yep. She said those things, and many more that were equally ominous!

How can I not fret over that? What do you mean that she gave up her loss? Help me with the "it's time to show her what she lost" part? Please expand...what's the only way to save myself and possibly my marriage?

The impact of what words? What words are you referring to Steve McQueen?

You've really got my attention with your post...I'm listening! Bring it!

[clueless]

Hey Antlers here's one man's take on what the man with the fast machine was saying. I think he is saying that your life is not in her hands, it is in yours. The ball is in your court to do what you will with it. And as far as the impact of her words on her. She has told you that you have no future together. What will happen when se realizes what that means for her as well as you. Especially if you are ready to stand alone.

[futureunknown]

Think of it this way:

"She says it's over" - your old marriage is dead

"we have no future together" - the old you and old her are never to be together again because they are gone

"she's not coming back" - to your old relationship and old marriage

"she wants nothing to do with me" - she doesn't want anything to do with the you she's known for all these years, but she doesn't even know the new you you're going to become, so how can she know if she wants anything to do with him

"she hates me for treating her the way I did" - the old you treated her badly, she hasn't yet experienced how the new you will treat her

This is going to be a long process. The gift she has given you is freedom and time. Freedom to work on you, and time to really make it stick. If you have seen how you need to fix things in yourself, then take this opportunity to fix them. You'll feel better about yourself as you see and feel yourself changing into a better person. Just do it for you, not her. She may eventually decide she likes this new person and wants to get to know him.

The divorce process is slow. Try not to react even if she does file. She made her escape and she wants to make sure she never goes back to that place that left her so unhappy. Don't make her think you're trying to get her back to that place, or else she'll run away even faster. Make it clear she has her freedom, and you won't do anything to try to re-capture her. If you do end up back together, it has be from a place of complete free choice on her part (and yours), not because you're hurting, or lonely, or she feels obligated in some way.

Even if you do get a divorce, remember that 1 out of 6 people that divorce and eventually re-marry actually re-marry the person they divorced, so don't even think of divorce as some final door slamming shut and being forever locked.

[antlers]

Hey Antlers here's one man's take on what the man with the fast machine was saying. I think he is saying that your life is not in her hands, it is in yours. The ball is in your court to do what you will with it. And as far as the impact of her words on her. She has told you that you have no future together. What will happen when se realizes what that means for her as well as you. Especially if you are ready to stand alone.

I realize that my life is in my hands. All of our lives are in 'our' hands! Yeah...I can do what I will with my life, but unfortunately it won't involve her! And that's where the problem lies for me...and many of us here! We don't want our old marriages...we want new and fulfilling, loving marriages...we just want them to be with our spouses! Impact of her words on she and I? From what I've seen and heard from her over the past 5 months...she means what she says! And she won't miss me at all! She was so close to me before...but now she's a zillion miles away! I have to stand alone! I have no choice but to do that!
It doesn't change the fact that I'm sad and scared, and I don't see how I'll be able to enjoy the rest of my life without her in it...at least right now!