Keel-hauled, but, more time with my kids

[faithisbelieving]

To Bill...your words always ring with reason. G-d has given you an amazing insight. I agree with all you wrote. I KNOW...that it is the unfortunate circumstances....of 'being ordered' to stay in the house....that keeps me from being able to make the final break...the final detachment...that keeps me exposed to her inability to 'woman-up' and behave maturely.

Let's face it Bill....she can (like I've tried)..walk up to me and say, "I'm tired of this...let just be friendly and stop the crap until the divorce is done". She, too, can work to make our house a tension-free safe-haven for the children. She can act 'as-if' for the sake of D5 and S8. Not to be. So, I must endure...until this is done.

To poet....that was a difficult post to write. I am NOT an expert at this. All I can offer is past experience. My three year bomb anniversary is coming up in two weeks. I WILL say the following, tho', at the risk of angering some people here or coming across as a 'scorned husband':

• I don't believe people change...not without the intense desire to do so and without the intensive help they need to overcome old habits and ingrained behavior
• I think that our S's give us the answer to all our questions from the beginning (with a few exceptions). I love you but I want the romance back means exactly that: you're my spouse...I love you as such....but I am not attracted to you anymore and I want to get that feeling back. Almost all counselor's I have spoken to say that even if you make it to piecing, they see most people in D later on...with even more anger
• People who cheat DO have a high rate of recidivism
• G-d isn't going to fix your marriage all by himself. You can pray all you want but if you don't join in the fight, get off your duff and do your part, laissez-faire will never work. Fact...if your spouse dumped you..filed...had an affair...he/she is NOT playing by the same rules you are NOR following the Bible. She/he can very easily rationalize this by saying "G-d will forgive me". Women need leadership...attraction....listening....and can't stand a wuss..ecumenical things lol. Action + change + G-d = personal success and happiness and THAT may do it. Sitting in a pew all day won't. It will help YOU though to find the strength.
• This forum is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It will save your life and maximize your chances for saving your M....then metamorphose into a monster that will keep you stuck in denial, codependency and seeing babysteps....when there are none.
• everyone should try and save their marriage; when that fails, no one should stay in a destructive one

On the positive side, I am sad that I am getting D'd but I am glad that I filed. It ended a long period of pain, worrying, lack of trust, feeling the need to snoop, not knowing where my spouse was, etc.

THAT..is NOT A MARRIAGE. PERIOD. Yes...I face the same challenges now as KerryK, trapt, Bworl, Jeff223, ISLH, DonH...AV8R....I face the loss of time with my children, financial destruction, loss of my home, but.......

I have regained my sanity. I have let go of XXX...I know I won't miss her (of course..yes...I will miss what was). I am NOT angry at her (yes, I am angry at things she does still but I don't hate her). I am enjoying learning more about myself. My eyes are open now. I hate to use the word that my STBXW threw at me months (?years) ago..but...I have clarity now. I would urge people here to get Gray's book, Venus and Mars: Starting Over...and read the section on 'hope for reconciliation'. It was sobering to say the least.

I am taking great pride and joy now by being the man I always should have. I direct XXX now...not in a chauvinistic way...but leading. I am not afraid of her and I will lead my children to a place of peace until such time that I find a woman to trust and love again.....which I look forward to.

FIB