Mark, You see, what you wife saw the was stuff you WERE NOT doing in the relationship. I am the same way. I saw tons of stuff that my H should have been aware of if only he would pay attention to my needs and the needs of the children. It was because he was not ENGAGED that he didn't even realize we had needs. I hear that in the convos you posted here. That is why she thinks you are SELFISH, it's because you have not been anticipating the family and her needs.
This paragraph to me clarifies everything I have not done. I have read this paragraph 4 times, I understand it but I would find anticipating what is required as a pro-active act quite difficult. It never occured to me to be anticipating things, I have obviously been re-active over the years which has not done our relationship any good. As my children are coming to me for the weekend I am trying to think of things to do to anticipate what they would like to do, though I will consult with them as well. I am also looking to see how I could anticipate anything that would facilitate issues for next week. At the moment I cannot think of anything as it is not natural for me to think like this. I don't know what/how to anticipate things without knowing what the diary is for next week. How do I anticipate things??
I like your analysis on how to deal with the 'bag' issue. It is interesting as it negates conflict and is seen as though I have made the decision. Alot of the posters thought it was a case of either you do or you don't, and I thank them dearly for their imput. The problem here I thought was that by me saying 'no' I was setting a boundary in regard to respect, whether she respected me more for the fact I said no is open for conjecture, but it certainly brought about more conflict and negativity, which my wife says I am negative on a regular basis. On the other side of the coin, appeasement to her direct request would be seen as weak. To me, your take on it results in communication and compromise, and if this is the case I am implementing not 1 but 2 180's. I still am unsure about boundary setting as any requests by my wife are quite regular, I need to take in the request, which are usually by text, assimilate them and act accordingly....without losing more respect.
I find the demographics of trying to decipher what a woman says/means very difficult. How are simple men able to interpret what a woman REALLY wants without making into some kind of test.
Your take on our relationship is spot on too. As I have been told before I now have to drop the rope (I will check gucciloafers and otheres take on this) and try to divert all my attention to me and the children.
I will read this post EVERY day so that it will give me focus.
Thank you again PositivelyMommy.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
