I need to run something by you all. I was talking to my friend last night, just venting really and the more I talked the more I realized that I don't have a R with my XF. He started in on me last night about how I stress him out so again, I have to ask why does he even bother with me? Anyway, I want to move on. I am letting him control my decisions and I feel as though my life is on hold. This weekend, I'm going to seriously look for a place to call my own. I've been so misplaced for a year now and I'm done with it. I realize the only person that can change things is me so I have to be strong and make it happen.
Cat, you're right! I do feel as though I owe my XF something. He pretty much insists that I do. To a point where he wants me to do things that I DON'T WANT to do. I even said to him that I didn't but said that I would consider it just to keep peace. Not to mention he told me that if I really cared for him, I would want to do things for him. OMG, what the hell am I doing? This is pathetic! I have never, ever been like this so I really don't understand what has happened to me. My XH's affair really has affected me more than I thought.
Okay, I don't like who I've become so I'm changing that! I just need to figure out how. This is my struggle. I really and truly don't know how to change this. I've never been in this position. I've always been self confident, success driven and won't settle for anything less than what I want and yet I've become a desparate, pathetic woman. Kind of like my XH OW. She did and still is doing everything just to keep him in the game. I certainly don't want to pattern my life using her as an example.
I want to make strong decisions. Yet, I'm so beaten down that I don't trust my judgment.
