I was in a similar sitch to you for about two months. My W was texting/calling the OM every day. My response was similar to yours: just wait it out and eventually it would go away. Only it didn't. In the end, she left to be with him and she did leave me and the kids behind.
In hindsight, the biggest mistake I made was not confronting her affair early on and setting the proper boundaries. I was an enabler for the affair and the separation. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting her string me along, but the truth was that I made it much, much worse.
Only you know what your W is like and what sort of things are likely to get through to her, but I will say that being firm, setting boundaries (no more talking to the BF when I'm around, you pay your own phone bills, you buy your own clothes, undergarments, perfume, etc.) and not enabling her would have (I believe) shut down the A and had us on the path to reconciliation much quicker. As it is, she is still waffling after spending a sizable chunk of money that I gave her, our family has been ripped apart for going on 6 months, and there is still a lot of uncertainty about what the future hold for us.
No more Mr. Nice Guy!
Portland - Sorry to hear about your sitch, especially deserted you AND the kids, I just don't get why such incredible selfishness. What's left of my heart (small bloody shreds) goes out to you. I can only hope your W will tire of him soon enough and come back to you and your children.
I totally agree with you that I have been an enabler by not being intolerant of her behavior, but will say that I have told her many times that her relationship (3-4 calls + 20-30 texts per day avg) with OM (her male BFF from high school who has his own marital issues) is inappropriate and we will never be able to work on us while she is emotionally involved with him. She says she's sorry it hurts me but she is not willing to cut off that friendship and is not sorry for the love she feels for him as a "friend". (yuh, right!) Fortunately, we live on the East Coast and he lives on the West Coast (where she grew up) so chances of PA are slim/none although past PA while visiting home is likely in my distrustful mind.
This has been going on for about 18 months that I can tell, probably longer than I can prove. I'm in the military assigned away from home but get home every weekend, so total time together is much less than being there every day. If I was there, perhaps the EA might not have developed as deeply, and I'm pretty sure I would have gotten fed up much sooner, but it's not "in my face" every day so I've let it lay, hoping it would die off naturally as many posts here have said EA's do.
But I was wrong, so now, time for something different.
She says she is leaving but hasn't set a timetable or a plan, but knows she'll need to care for the kids during the week. She will likely stay at home during the week and stay with a GF on weekends. I told her if she does separate, she is on her own and I will not assist in any way, money, moving, etc. I do not want to "enable" her bad decision to leave as I have her EA.
We meet with MC again this weekend. He's suggested we work together to negotiate how to separate but I'm not helping plan this escape, it's her idea, not mine. Besides, my opinion hasn't counted thus far. I will, however, refuse things that are unacceptable with whatever plan she comes up with. We'll see how it goes.
Your boundary setting ideas are good and I will be more firm about implementing them. It's time. (better late than never...) NO MORE MR. NICE GUY is right! Tried it, no effect, time for 180.
Hope your WAS comes to her senses soon, my thoughts are with you.
Me 47 W 44 D16, D13 T 23yrs M 20yrs WAW/MLC + Male EA "BFF from H.S." = Misery
