OK guys, reality of a WAS, or an MLCer, or certainly a WAS with bad depression...
He looked a mess.. tired, bloated, throwing drinks down his neck. Followed me about like a puppy, looked lost, desperate. Grabbed me for a very different sort of hug than we've had before.. instead of about the shoulders.. he circled my waist, burrowed his head in my chest.. said "I'm sorry for being so rubbish".. I said, what do you mean by that? He said "I'm just sorry I am so rubbish and its affecting you.. my rubbishness is having an impact on you..."
so I took a risk..I lent in and told him seductively, I miss you... he looked upset and as I posted above was saying I miss you too, so much.. " etc. I said, incredulously "then why dont you phone me, why dont we do this more often?". He said because of guilt.. Thats why. I feel SOOOOO guilty (something about towards me) and then.. I feel guilt in all ways. I keep trying to do the right thing, but I'm doing all the wrong things...
He was saying something about him being a bad person and hating himself. I wasnt saying anything, as I am just so tired of hearing all this and what can I do? We cant reconcile, I cant flirt with him if he is sat there telling me he hates himself! And I cant make him 'better' either. He went on to explain something abuot how every little thing he does, every little move, every thing he says, he worries what people think, has got himself into a wierd space where he feels he is being watched, or people are watching his every move...That he is a bad person and upsets people, that he cant stand to upset people anymore, oh yes... he was saying he is so bad he is evil, that he has evil stamped all the way through him like a piece of rock.
He was rambling, I cant remember it all, he was just sort of lying in my arms (he was sat on a stool when he pulled me to him) and saying something about being a mental person, that he is crazy.. all the things he has been saying since last July (?). I said.. but its good to see you.. at which he burst out laughing at the irony of me saying that when he hates himself.. and hugged me harder and said its good to see you too, its lovely to see you.. I miss you so much..and buried himself in me again. So I can see all his friends over his shoulder, stood with their coats on and Cher and G waiting for me and everyone is just WTF? These are his workmates and I'm sure alot of the people there know he has been dating Helen!
It doesnt surprise me he was hurrying them to leave the restaurant, I knew he would do that, he knew I was waiting and I knew he was desperate to see me (after our phonecall Tuesday). Also, his housemate said to Cher, WTF is going on with those two, ex had said he was really excited and nervous to be meeting me for a drink. J told me on the phone last night that my ex is very insecure and she believes, like me, that he has had a sort of breakdown and is still not alright.
He's a mess basically. I do worry for his mental state. Thank god he's going back to our hometown this weekend. I'm going to ring J and tell her to get BMF to talk to him, he needs someone to tell him he is NOT a bad person, he's just depressed.
