I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow...!

[1853dave]

I had a nice visit with D4 tonight. We played for about 1.5 hours before W and D9 showed up. They hung out for a while... It was getting chilly so W looked around in a nearby store (we were playing at a playground at an outdoor mall) so I got the kids a hot chocolate at the local Starbucks. We all ended up sitting in the Starbucks, together, almost like a real family. This is pretty rare for us anymore. It was pleasant, and W was acting as though nothing was going on - much like it would have been a year or two ago.

I inquired what the weekend schedule looked like - because I want to figure out when I will be seeing the girls, and she asked me if I wanted to pick them up the usual time on Sunday. I told her I might need to pick them up later un Sunday, like 11 or 12 noon... She asked if I was going to church (we were never church goers, but I sometimes now go with a friend from work) and I told her that I was planning to sign a lease for a place to live. She sounded happy for me - and asked me where it was, and then told me, "Can you afford that? I mean, we haven't quite figured out all of the financial stuff yet." I told her I have been saving what I could, and have enought to rent for two months... "Oh, then you might need some stuff from the condo. You can take the girls' bed, because I was going to get them bunk beds anyway. Oh, and there are plenty of dishes and stuff if you need..." While that sounds like a nice gesture on her part, these are all things that belonged to ME prior to the marriage. I was taken back by how happy she sounded about this... I was hoping it would be a piece of reality sinking in, and that maybe she would not be quite so pleased with the thought.

Sometimes everything seems so hopeless. I'm losing my wife, who I still love very much. I am so sad for my children, because they do not like the current sitch, and I know they want Mommy and Daddy to live together again. I'm so sad about this whole thing. MY DB counselor, and the chaplain here at work both say that I am doing all of the right things... I guess I am still thinking that if I am doing all of the right things, then why isn't my situation turning in my favor? What am I doing wrong???

So, I'm not feeling particularly good about this right now... We have been gettng along great, for the most part. She still seems intent on eliminating me from her life, as though she'll be the happiest person in the world when it's done with.

I wish I knew the secret for getting her to fall in love with me again...