Renee, we've all been there to some extent. I think you still have your cart and horse backwards! Whether he is coming back or not, you have to get yourself together. That's going to take some time. Only then are you going to be ready to have him or any other man in your life! The beauty of it is you do the same thing whether he is coming back or not!
Should you date? Right now, I'd say no. Not because he might come back, but because you aren't in a good place yourself. As BND said, you are in a spot now where you could be easy prey for some men. Wait. When you are ready, you'll be ready. What your XH does or doesn't do isn't even an issue.
Sun, I would say that you need to make sure you are psychologically healthy before you date. That way, you will not "jump" at whoever comes along no matter who they are. You don't want to get into another bad place. Just my opinion.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
But then I think am I wasting my life. What if I wait and dont go out and date and then 2 years pass and nothing, thats 2 years of me life that I cant get back. That scares me.
SSL,
I have been reading your thread, and I want to jump in here, in spite of my newbie status.
I am 60, and have been separated for less than 5 months, after being together for 40 years -- almost twice as long as you have. I am DBing in earnest, not for my marriage (although I hope it will be restored), but for me. I need to GAL regardless, because the life I thought I had -- and the future I had planned -- is no more. Part of my GtingAL is understanding that it might NOT include a new relationship. Until I find a life that makes ME happy, I will not be a good candidate for a relationship with ANYONE. Who would want a partner who still has unresolved feelings for her ex? Not I, for sure, and I will not put myself out there until I can reach that resolution.
I know you are younger than I, and cannot imagine the rest of your life alone. Your chances of a new relationship, at 40-something, are far higher than mine at 60. They will be even better if you can let go and make your life the best it can be for YOU. The rest will take care of itself. This is the same advice I have given my Ds when their relationships have gone sour, and am now applying to myself.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Twink you seem so TOGETHER, and in just 5 months that is amazing! I wish I was a stronger person. Let me say to you and everyone else here that this problem I have runs far deeper than any relationship I had with my h. I have always been the type of person that worries, worries, worries. I watched my mother do this I suppose and took her lead. I had one true love in high school that I thought would last forever (my first). Well he joined the army and goodbye Renee. I pretty much only dating him except for a few. My friends were always prettier than I, I thought. When we would go out, they always got asked to dance and so forth. I by no means so overweight back then and I had an outgoing personality, but when it came to guys I shyed up. After high school, I went out a few times and then met a guy who I thought I would marry. I held onto him for dear life, I thought he would end up leaving me and he did. We talked about marriage and all but he decided after a couple years of so, I wasnt for him. BROKE MY HEART. I dated some after that but nothing serious again. At age 22 I was starting to worry that I would NEVER be married. At AGE 22!! So my problems had already begun by the time I met my h. One night 20 years ago I met him. He told me (not asked), told me he was gonna marry me. He was drinking, so I overlooked him. The next day he called me and more of the same. He said he fell in love at first sight. I thought he was crazy that night. I, nevertheless, fell in love with him. I was scared to death at first, because I didnt think he was for real. Since then, I hung on to him with everything in me. My life revolved around him. So when he left me, my life left also. Back to worrying about being alone the rest of my life. See what I mean?
Renee, Just a few thoughts reading your last post. Your exH pursued you. You weren't interested at first. Later you "hung on to him with everything in me." Here's my thought. It might help you the most in the short and the long run to be the best partner you can be to YOURSELF. If you can mentally get to a place where you don't NEED a man in your life, but want a man in your life, you will be in a stronger position to have a lasting relationship. Most of the time when there is a partner who clings, there is a partner who withdraws.
In some of your posts you come across as a lost child asking for directions from everyone. The next post you are angry. It is totally understandable that you are feeling all kinds of emotions ranging from fear, anger, pining, loss, denial, loneliness...etc. These are uncomfortable emotions for a lot of people. No one wants to feel those feelings, but they will go away. Time, growth, effort all will help.
But what I think a lot of people here are trying to tell you is find someone to talk to to help you find your calm, adult center. Distract yourself. Write in a journal, paint/draw, work in the yard. Do something that requires physical effort. Find some way to vent that doesn't directly impact your family or your exH. Get those emotions out, feel them, deal with them and own them. Find your calm center and things will fall into place however they are meant to. You can miss and still love and even still want your exH in your life, but ignore him for now-it won't hurt your situation and it most likely will help. Focus on you and dealing with those powerful feelings and emotions. Right now it seems as if your emotions are running you and your life. Find a way to own those feelings, so the feelings don't own you.
Becoming comfortable in your own skin, with your own voice, and most importantly revolving your life around YOU will allow you to become a strong, centered woman. Only you can find YOUR path to that place. I wish you only the best. You can do this!!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
TEll me Kerry or BND when do you know its time to move on? How do you know. Kerry you are dating now, how did you get to that point?
It is a combination of many things - the cheating, lies, catching an STD, threatening me with divorce, including/exposing the kids in her affair and showing through her actions that she is a cake eating goldigger. I found that I enjoyed spending time with my kids without a selfish spoiled woman controlling things. I had a lot of reflecting over last spring/summer and came to the conclusion that I could never love her again. I dont even want to be her friend - there are several billion other females on the planet that are more worthy. I went through some anger, but not much. I set little goals and always make sure there is something to look forward to.
The advantage I have over you was that I was a loner kind of guy that did many things happily by myself until I got married in my late 30's. I climbed mountains, traveled, fished, hiked, and sailed many times solo and was content being a free and independent man. I was confident that I could refind that happy go lucky guy again.
I am not dating now as I have a girlfriend and we spend most of our time together with the kids. We usually see each other on the weekends, but about once a month we have a kid free date night. I try to talk/IM her everyday. She is a very good friend now and I am taking it slow before making any long term commitments.
Thanks KJ. I know everyone here is trying to do nothing but help me. I do get out and do things but when I am at home my mind runs amuck, so to speak. I just cant grasp how a man or woman that has been married so long and has a family can just take off one day and decide he loves someone else. And then of all things, after 2 or 3 months of knowing them want to get married. But then I think, my xh only new me 6 months and he told me the first night he met me he was gonna marry me. It seems to be a pattern with him. What hurts the most, and this is killing me inside, is the fact he doesnt want to even think I exist. He told me the only thing from the last 20 years that he wants to exist is his son. That HURTS! I have to find a way to get past the hurt from that. I have to find a way to realize this man doesnt even remember me. It's one thing to leave a family but its another to pretend they are dead. In your honest opinion, why in the worl does he want to pretend like I dont exist. I know I keep asking this. I'm sorry.
