Learning to Detach

[kjensen]

Good advice.
H and I separated our bank accounts today-sort of. We both ended up being the secondary signer on each other's account b/c the bank employee wasn't really understanding what we wanted. H said it didn't really matter, he wasn't trying to hide anything.
H responded to my apology email and said he was learning that he was responsible for his feelings and responses. He saw this time as important for him to improve himself and become a stronger, more complete person.

My therapist talked to me toda-we talked about how H felt controlled, but in a way he has been passive and needs to take the initiative/control on his own. C thought that my H is acting out like an adolescent and treating me as the mother he is rebelling against. So I need to "cut the cord"...thats a hard one for me. I'm having a hard enough time adjusting to two tweens distancing and becoming more independent. Definitely triggers my abandonment isses head on.

I think I've made definite strides by withrawing from H(slowly knawing through the cord!). The communication classes keep us connected, we have to practice having active listening conversations before the next class. I plan to(and have) stopped initiating contact. No more R talk since my backslide comment last night.. Not sure what else I can do with this situation.

[Walking]

So ...

and said he was learning that he was responsible for his feelings and responses

that's a pretty powerful break through for a man in his 40s. He is obviously really working on himself.

He saw this time as important for him to improve himself and become a stronger, more complete person.

He probably does, but he could also be projecting. A backhanded way to tell you that you should take this time to depend on/call on him less - cause he doesn't feel as though he can live up to what you ask of him - so he's telling you he's not available for you now.

I so agree with your therapist. Cutting the cord for we in-charge, strong, on-with-it women is extremly difficult - but when you do it, it's extremely liberating.

Not sure what else I can do with this situation.

KJ - some times the most powerful thing you can do - is do nothing. It would certainly be a 180 for you in any case!!

Keep at it. Look after yourself.

V

[Walking]

So ...

and said he was learning that he was responsible for his feelings and responses

that's a pretty powerful break through for a man in his 40s. He is obviously really working on himself.

He saw this time as important for him to improve himself and become a stronger, more complete person.

He probably does, but he could also be projecting. A backhanded way to tell you that you should take this time to depend on/call on him less - cause he doesn't feel as though he can live up to what you ask of him - so he's telling you he's not available for you now.

I so agree with your therapist. Cutting the cord for we in-charge, strong, on-with-it women is extremly difficult - but when you do it, it's extremely liberating.

Not sure what else I can do with this situation.

KJ - some times the most powerful thing you can do - is do nothing. It would certainly be a 180 for you in any case!!

Keep at it. Look after yourself.

V

[kjensen]

Thanks for the input Virginia. I do feel more calm and at least for today a sense that there really isn't much I can do. So that is what I'll strive for. I'm trying to keep my sights set for the long haul. I do think my H must be working through some things to come up with those statements you quoted.

Thanks again!

[kjensen]

H and I practiced our active listening homework at lunch. Things seemed good. H told me the school counselor had emailed him to check in and we talked about how our girls were doing. H copied me in to his response to the counselor and her is what he said about us:

" Time seems to be helping the girls somewhat, although I don't see my wife and reconciling, and that will be another issue. "

My breathe was knocked out of me. I should expect this from a person in MLC, right? My H knows I will see this as he sent it to me too. Does this mean his ambivalence and conflict are just buying him time?
I shouldn't take this personally? I was feeling positive and then this statement to an utter stranger who sees our children blows me away.
I'm guessing I shouldn't do anything, but need confirmation from someone who has been here before..Help?!

[D Money]

Yes I believe it is just part of the MLC.

Our situations seem to mirror each others at times. Wife told MIL that she wants to find someone to have a relationship with like MIL has with wife's stepfather. MIL told her that wife and I had a special connection. Wife says that connection just came from being together for years. That we didn't have it from the very beginning. That is such BS!!

It can be disheartening. That is the importance of detachment.

[kjensen]

Hi D,
It is hard to hear BS time and again, especially the rewriting of history. Detachment is helpful-I'm still working at it!

In our active listening exercise this afternoon with H, I talked about the vacations I enjoyed taking with H and why. He listened and summarized and then said- "Wow, I don't remember all of those things you described! I just don't remember all of those details."...

I didn't get a chance to do nothing about H's email to the school counselor-ok I could have said nothing but I didn't- H called me at work and told me he forwarded the email to me that he had sent the school counselor and asked what I thought. I said I thought it was good except for one sentence-and told him the sentence-and said i wouldn't have said that. I said I thought he was still conflicted, which he then again stated he was, so I stated that that statement in the email puzzled me.

He apologized for the statement. He said that as he explained on the way home from communication class Tues night, he doesn't see how (we)it would work out. He also said that night that he didn't think it mattered what he wanted or what I wanted, that he didn't see a way to work things out.

This stance puzzles me a bit. I should have asked what it was he thought I wanted, and what it was that he wanted..but I didn't. It seems like he feels he messed up so much that there is no way to repair the damage(but he doesn't say that). Since I have rarely showed anger through this whole ordeal, and have been supportive of him, I'm not sure why he would think things look so hopeless. Maybe its the depression, maybe MLC?

[Walking]

KJ - do you think the way you dealt with that was consistant with the DB philosophy?

V

[peacetoday]

K
sometimes just when you think your H is making progress they back off or do something to remind us to not get too close
no false hope
b/c they are so conflicted within
they get scared with every real connection to us
since we are DB, the connections are easy to establish as long as WE want to continue
I believe they enjoy the connection, but it scares them b/c after all
they are having an A
they cant be with us now
they say all soets of things and even do actions
believe in yourself
you are doing well
try to not react every time he says something negative
ignore that Line!
when he asks you, he could just be baiting you
peace

[kjensen]

No, probably not. I would have avoided the topic but since H brought it up and asked my opinion, I gave it to him. I wasn't upset and H didn't get upset either. He paused when I said what had bothered/confused me-like he hadn't thought of it. The thing that surprised me was that he apologized.

I realize looking back with that lovely 20/20 hindsight that H has been seeming more 'normal' lately and even though this is OW's week off(no kids I think), I know H has been sleeping at his place. I was getting hopes slightly up and forgetting to DB.

I have been validating. I have been upbeat and acting "as if".
I have distanced myself, which I could do more of. Although for my situation I think being a supportive friend, but not initiating contact much and not having any expectations has worked better. I haven't brought up the OW/A. But yes, my opinion on his email did bring up the R...oooooops!

So if H brings up the R, do I sidestep it completely? Or do I talk calmly? I think I'm in sketchy territory with this communication class because we will be taking on 'hot topics' down the road before the class is done...So its more traditional type of therapy that I need to fit into the DB model. I am unclear how to do it.