I'm starting a new thread just cause it feels like a different 'stage' these days.
But I've been living at my parent's house for a week now. I still go to the house a few days/week while she's at work just to do things and workout with my gym in the basement.
I took my S4 to my parent's house for a 'sleepover party'. It was really great to spend time with him, and I think he had fun too. My W and I did talk about having dinner on Sundays together for my son to see us being amicable. I was having second thoughts about doing this jsut cause I didnt' know if it was good for me. I am trying to go dark, though I can't really go dark cause of our son. But she texted me Sun asking when I was bringing him home and if we were still doing dinner. I didn't reply, but just showed up when we showed up.
We had some small talk at the house, and then all went out together. She is still distant and we only have small talk. I noticed that she is still wearing her ring, though I don't think it really means anything.
I didnt' want to ask any questions or talk about the R, but I was wondering why I haven't gotten served yet. Its been a week and a half that she said she filed the D. I dont' know how long it takes to get served usually, but I haven't heard anything about it from anyone yet.
I'm finding that being away from the house and her, and talking to friends and family all the time, its getting easier to detach. It's a good thing for me, but I think this is letting her detach even more too. For some reason, I feel like I'll just keep doing my own thing, and then one day, she'll just tell me that she got tired of waiting again, and tell me that she wants to keep moving with the D....just like what she did before with filing the D.
I have a night class that starts tomorrow night, so I'll be really busy for a couple months. It'll be good for me to focus on that.
SoTired, Thanks for posting on my thread. I have read through yours now and I continue to be amazed by the similarities between your sitch (and others on the site) and mine. I'm so sorry you, I and everyone else are here but glad there is a "here" to come to. I'm still new, so I don't feel qualified to offer any advice but wanted to offer support. I think it's good you are starting a class and will be busy. I've found the most difficult days to be the slow days. Your concern about detachment is one that I have as well. My H says he's just become so detached that he thinks we'd be better as just friends. It's hard to face that by detaching myself from him intentionally and I'm really struggling with that. Hang in there and know you are not alone!
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Bomb 3/11/09 Sep 4/09
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
I usually now try to go to the house on Fri night to sleep there, and then spend time with my S4 till Sun night. Tonight, my W asks if I can watch him till late Mon or Tues morning cause she and her sister just bought last minute tickets to Acapulco. Sigh...I thought we were going to try to save money.
Anyway, I wasn't going to agree since my night class started, and I won't be able to study at night if I'm with my son. And also I don't feel like I should do anything extra to help her with her social life. But I did agree since I do want to spend the extra time with my son. But jeez...maybe some more notice next time...
But I was just doing some studying, and she asks me if have I talked to anyone. I'm like anyone? What do you mean? And she asks if I've talked to a lawyer yet. I say I'm waiting to get served first but I haven't been served yet. And she said she did file it and it usually takes a few weeks. And she starts saying how we don't really need a lawyer cause of this and that,and it costs money. And I just say that I will get a lawyer when I get served cause I need to protect myself despite the cost...and it'll cost what it costs.
So just being around her is bringing me down already. I was in a good mood earlier. And she just has to do something to remind that she is deadset for a D.
Its been alittle while since I journaled/posted. I'm still living at my parent's house while going to back on Fri-Sun to spend the weekend with my son.
Last night, my W asked about out sitch/R and what we are going to do with the house, finances, etc. Although I didnt' want to get into it, she pushed and we did get into a little argument and some discussion. She did file the D, and I haven't gotten served cause she has the papers. She said she didnt' feel right having a sheriff serve me and so she was going to give them to me herself. I said I thought we agreed that she wouldn't be pushing for the divorce while I was moved out, so I didn't take the papers and left them there.
Today, I got an email saying how she is bothered that I said that I don't trust her. And she also mentions things that she like I did while we were dating and how she didnt' think I did that anymore after getting married. And about how after our son was born she didnt' feel that I made her feel attractive and a woman. She goes on to explain that she tried for the past 5yrs, and now knows that I might have been trying in my own way too. But feels that in that effort she built up so much resentment which destroyed any love for me. And that she thinks that her effort and mine was not enough to sustain the marriage and that we just need to find a way now to part ways peacefully and also to keep in mind whats best for our son.
How should I reply? Or should I even reply? I already told her before that if she wants us amicable, then I can't do this right now because I'm still catching up to where she is at. I think I mentioned in an earlier posting that I bet after a few weeks of my moving out/separation that she would just get impatient and tell me she doens't like living in this 'limbo' again. And yep...it's 3 weeks later.
Hi, I just wanted you to know I was still around. Haven't been on the board too much lately, but wanted to check in to see how things were going.
Sounds like your wife is dragging up old stuff from the past, for which females are famous. As for how to reply, I suppose it depends on how fed up you are getting with all of this. You could ask her what the point was of telling you all of this when she has filed for D and was getting out of an unhappy life for herself. I sure wouldn't make any promises of doing better, making changes, etc. She needs to do something or get off the pot.
On the other hand, maybe she is having second thoughts and could be why you have not been served yet and this is her way of trying to talk about what she was unhappy about in the R and wants to see if anything can be fixed.
It seems to me that the ball is in your court right now as to what YOU want to do. If you feel you are doing better and want to forget going through all the BS again, then let the D go through without giving her the satisfaction of responding to her. If you want to feel that you gave it one more good ole college try, then ask her if she feels that it is worth meeting to talk about and does she think that the two of you can do it without getting into a fight. I think it is your choice at this point.
Good luck, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm pretty sure she still wants the D, and that the only reason she hasn't really forced the papers on me yet is that I told her before and again that I am not in the same place as she is yet, and that if she wants to force this thing through, then I know it will not be amicable, and this will not be good for our son. But I do know that she says that she feels like she is living in limbo cause she feels she doesn't have closure and can't start a new life yet.
Though I have many reasons to just toss in the towel, I still feel that I would want to save the marriage if I could. Esp everytime I see my son, or look at his picture, it makes my heartbreak. And when he tells me every weekend that he missed me alot, I feel like I have to fight back tears. But at this point, I really, really don't know what I can do anymore. I am staring down the jaws of D, and have no idea how to fight back.
Funny thing is that we also got to talking about movies at one point, and she mentioned that her sister gave her the movie Fireproof to watch. I have heard of the movie too, so I got hold of it today and watched it just in case there was something there that could help me now. And the movie made me tear up so many times because in so many parts I felt like Kirk Cameron's character was me. But of course it's a movie, so there's a happy ending. So I don't know if doing anything with The Love Dare would have any affect in my RL sitch.
Plus since she also saw the movie, she would know exactly what I was doing anyway. And it seems like The Love Dare would be considered 'pursuing' behavior according to DBing.
Though I'm getting better at detachment now, there are moments where my heart and stomach just completely sinks at the thought of all this. I still don't want the D though I know we would need alot of work to heal through this. Though you say the ball is in my court, it really doesn't feel like it.
I have not read the book but I have heard statements that made me wonder if the love darts or dares or whatever they are......would be pursuing. Maybe it depends on the stitch. I wonder if it is another book that is more on how to "improve your marriage" instead of busting a divorce.....which is quite different! On the other hand, I've been told that it goes along with the DR book, so I don't know.
What I meant by the ball being in your court was b/c of your W calling and bringing up all that stuff again. As if she was trying to get you to talk about the R. Why would she be doing that if she has filed for the D? What is the purpose in doing that if you think you are going to be served with papers any day? So, it just made me wonder if she really went through with it.
Anyway, in my opinion, you seem to be kind of on the fense rail and trying to decide which way to fall. You sound as if you really don't know what you want any more. That is why I said I felt like she has thrown the ball to you to see if you are going to talk to her about the R or just ignore her and let the D go through. Just my thoughts.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What I meant by the ball being in your court was b/c of your W calling and bringing up all that stuff again. As if she was trying to get you to talk about the R. Why would she be doing that if she has filed for the D? What is the purpose in doing that if you think you are going to be served with papers any day? So, it just made me wonder if she really went through with it.
Anyway, in my opinion, you seem to be kind of on the fense rail and trying to decide which way to fall. You sound as if you really don't know what you want any more. That is why I said I felt like she has thrown the ball to you to see if you are going to talk to her about the R or just ignore her and let the D go through. Just my thoughts.
Take care, Sandi
I was at the house last weekend cause I usually go there on weekends to spend the weekend with my son. She was at her sisters but came back on Sunday evening. And thats when she asked about all that stuff. So she didnt' call me, but I guess she still brought it up. But I did ask why I haven't been served, and she said that she didnt' feel good about a sheriff coming to serve me. So she was going to do it herself and showed me the papers. I asked if she really wanted me to take them and go to a lawyer right now. And she didn't really say much. But it's partly cause I have told her repeatedly that if she really wants this to be amicable for the sake of our son, then I can't do that right now. And I need time to get there, and if she forces the D on me right now, it will definetly not be amicable. So she hasn't really said anything about her actually serving me and me having to answer the petition right now.
I guess it can be looked at like on the fence cause sometimes I feel that I can't take this anymore, but then the next day, I feel like I can't give up yet. This happens every weekend when I see my son. I feel heartbroken about it when I see him and he tells me how he missed me. I honestly think he thinks or at least is hoping this is temporary. It kills me know that he feels this way and my W doesn't want to even try.
But I'm actually feeling pretty down right now. My car just broke down and I had to have my dad come and pick me up. I think I feel down cause my first reflex was to call my W, and tell her what happened and have her pick me up. It's just another reminder of what I don't have now, and how lonely I have been feeling.
I wished I knew something to say to help you feel better, So Tired. I know it must be how a person feels when they have had their mate to die and find that it still is a natural reaction to want to call them or talk to them. The destruction of a family is so sad and I know this is killing you and especially where your son is concerned. I pray that things will be better for you soon.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
