Pisces, Thursday, 30 April 2009 I want to return once more to this week's running theme. The notion of being naked in public. For many people this is the stuff of nightmares. Yet why should that be so? What is the global obsession with covering up? Does it perhaps reflect the way in which we all try to disguise our simplicity and vulnerability from one another? If it takes courage to let yourself be seen in the nude, it takes even more self-possession to wear your heart on your sleeve. Stay dressed, today, by all means - but feel no shame about exposing your true feelings.
I missed you and you must be out at the famous to us by now band night!! Hope you get some progress and if not gain some more patience cause you may need it. xxx K
Had a BRILLIANT night out, great band, lots of laughts, lots of friends.. ex all over me like a rash.. hugged me for 20 minutes, so much that EVERYONE got fed up waiting !!He was due to get a lift home with 4 others, but held them up and made everyone annoyed, hugging me so much !
Anyway, he said it was lovely to see me, that he missed me SOO much, so I took a risk and said, I miss you too.. so why dont you call me more often? He said... guilt.. I feel so guilty, in all ways, its ridiculous, I have got into this frame of mind taht every little thing i do or say, I worry what people think of me, I feel crazy, seriously, I am a mental person... and on and on like that and just hugging me and squeezing me and like he was going to kiss me....
God the mind of a WAS. I said.. do you really miss me? (smiling) he said.. um.. YES! .. just ever so slightly!! (being sarcastic) and hugged me tighter.. and oh its all SO FRUSTRATING !!!!
He made a beeline for me when they all arrived at the pub. Cher told me (what I intuitively felt at 9pm) that at the meal, he asked her if she had arranged to see me and at what time.. she told him 9.15.. so he started to hurry the whole table to leave, even though some hadnt finished their drinks!!
When they arrived, he was 'with' me all night.. and made a point to introduce me to the guy he works with and shares his house with, who I have never met before. THis guy told Cher, whats going on with him and Al !?? He told me before we came out that he was really excited to be going out, to see her !
He also told me that my ex had been showing him photos of us on holidday !!
BUT... he is still with Helen. He also told me, during the 20 minute hugging, that he is going back to our hometown tommorow for the weekend (alone) so.. yay! not with Helen, but.. oh no, avoiding breaking up with her still !!?
Lastly, I felt for the FIRST time, like I had some power.. I had two guys chat me up right under his nose and I could tell he didnt like it and I kept flitting off to chat to people (naturally, but then, Jody the DB coach said best to be a "firefly", flit back and forth to him).. but he was just seeking me out all the time. So when he said he missed me, I said, why dont you call me then? Its lovely to spend time with you.. cant we do this more often? He said, yes, he wanted to but he just felt SO guilty... and I said, I am sorry I never call you, do you want me to call you sometimes??? And he said.. oh, that makes me sound so bad.. but yes.. yes.. call me, please.. "
So .. that was my evening! BMF G told me when we left.. it wont be much longer now.. trust me.. just keep doign what you are doing. I said, whats that? He said.. just be yourself.. because thats what he misses.
OK guys, reality of a WAS, or an MLCer, or certainly a WAS with bad depression...
He looked a mess.. tired, bloated, throwing drinks down his neck. Followed me about like a puppy, looked lost, desperate. Grabbed me for a very different sort of hug than we've had before.. instead of about the shoulders.. he circled my waist, burrowed his head in my chest.. said "I'm sorry for being so rubbish".. I said, what do you mean by that? He said "I'm just sorry I am so rubbish and its affecting you.. my rubbishness is having an impact on you..."
so I took a risk..I lent in and told him seductively, I miss you... he looked upset and as I posted above was saying I miss you too, so much.. " etc. I said, incredulously "then why dont you phone me, why dont we do this more often?". He said because of guilt.. Thats why. I feel SOOOOO guilty (something about towards me) and then.. I feel guilt in all ways. I keep trying to do the right thing, but I'm doing all the wrong things...
He was saying something about him being a bad person and hating himself. I wasnt saying anything, as I am just so tired of hearing all this and what can I do? We cant reconcile, I cant flirt with him if he is sat there telling me he hates himself! And I cant make him 'better' either. He went on to explain something abuot how every little thing he does, every little move, every thing he says, he worries what people think, has got himself into a wierd space where he feels he is being watched, or people are watching his every move...That he is a bad person and upsets people, that he cant stand to upset people anymore, oh yes... he was saying he is so bad he is evil, that he has evil stamped all the way through him like a piece of rock.
He was rambling, I cant remember it all, he was just sort of lying in my arms (he was sat on a stool when he pulled me to him) and saying something about being a mental person, that he is crazy.. all the things he has been saying since last July (?). I said.. but its good to see you.. at which he burst out laughing at the irony of me saying that when he hates himself.. and hugged me harder and said its good to see you too, its lovely to see you.. I miss you so much..and buried himself in me again. So I can see all his friends over his shoulder, stood with their coats on and Cher and G waiting for me and everyone is just WTF? These are his workmates and I'm sure alot of the people there know he has been dating Helen!
It doesnt surprise me he was hurrying them to leave the restaurant, I knew he would do that, he knew I was waiting and I knew he was desperate to see me (after our phonecall Tuesday). Also, his housemate said to Cher, WTF is going on with those two, ex had said he was really excited and nervous to be meeting me for a drink. J told me on the phone last night that my ex is very insecure and she believes, like me, that he has had a sort of breakdown and is still not alright.
He's a mess basically. I do worry for his mental state. Thank god he's going back to our hometown this weekend. I'm going to ring J and tell her to get BMF to talk to him, he needs someone to tell him he is NOT a bad person, he's just depressed.
How about YOU tell him that you understand, enough is enough with the pity party and come on hurry home cause time flies...
I think when he tells you these things he wants reassurance from you. Especially lately. He wants the green light? You can tell you hae been there (re your EA) and you know that people sometimes mess up but just like he did you will also find a way to forgive him?
Hey Ali, You did great last night!!!!! Handled yourself so well as to not get pulled into a R talk - well done!!!
I agree with Kalni - enough is enough of the pity party & him trying to explain his guilt. Do you understand his guilt? Then enough of it.
Your XB, my H, ran away because it was easier than to face the fears & unhappiness they felt within. They felt angry at themselves for doing this. Yet the little boy inside their head said to run. Now the man inside their head has to deal with the guilt. (Maybe I'm way off, in my assumption. since you aren't supposed to guess how people feel).
The catch22 is. Your XB, my H, we both know would be happier with us - but will they find & control their own happiness? Or would we again be the source & when unhappiness rears it's ugly head, will they be able to face it? Or will they leave again??
Maybe that's putting the cart before the horse ... a bit ..... but those are thoughts that spin in my head ......
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
I think he feels guilt that he wasn't a strong enough person to be there for you when you were sick. In his own depressive state he couldn't handle his sunshine going behind the moon, so he dashed away. Started up with Helen as he thought it would make him feel better I suppose(see not leaving you for her) and found that the pain was still there.
Now you are out from your eclipse and he sees you feeling pretty good and shining like the star you are. He wants you back and feels bad that he wasn't/isn't able to deal with the dark days.
Just a guess but seems to fit the situation.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
