Talks were back on tonight with W and we've just finished and for the first time ever W didn't manage to tie me up in knots.
The talks started with W wanting to know why I didn't respect her privacy on the computer and why I thought she was having an A. I told her there's no point in discussing the latest incident, as I thought this marriage was done. I said I was tired of all of that had gone on before and wanted to talk separation and all it's implications as we are parent of a child, we have a mortgage, no savings and we would need to decide the best way forward. W didn't want to go there at all, she just wanted to talk about her right to privacy on the computer. She insisted on leading the discussions this way, so I let her know why I didn't respect her privacy, I hit on a number of things but I think these are the high points.
Her past infidelity. Not resolving the issues leading to infidelity. lack of trust on both sides and us not doing anything to rebuild trust. Boundaries - this was a big one, if she was discussing intimate, or sexual matters with a person unknown to me then this was over stepping the boundaries which are acceptable in any normal M let alone ours. Secret friends - on this issue W responded that she kept this particular friend secret because I was a jealous husband. I told her she was entitled to any friends but if she was keeping them secret that raises suspicions and does nothing to help our M.
I asked W out right if she was engaged in sexual activities or sexual discussions with this person to which she answered No. Well I know there has been sexual discussion, but I couldn't confirm any contact so I didn't challenge this further. W asked me what material I had which made me think this was the case. I told her I had nothing I just threw that out there to get a reaction. She responded that she hadn't givin me a reaction as ther was nothing going on.
I told W I could see no way forward for us and if she wanted the family to stay together as she always talked about then she was going the wrong way about it. Funnily enough this prompted W to say from out of the blue that we needed counselling. Normally I would have immediately latched on to this, but I had to remind W that I have mentioned counselling on many occasions and the last time I mentioned it she said "No [censored] way am I going to sit in a room and let some [censored] idiot try to tell me how to run my M". Anyway after a short pause I told her if she was open to counselling I could organise it through my company.
So that was the jist of the talks, probably not a one sided as the post may suggest I may have missed the bits about W asking what I would think to her discussing things further on IM with this person again as he was a person with problem and she was helping him. I said she entitled to any friend male or female if it is in the open, but in this case I would not be happy as this friendship started out as a secret. I ended by saying to W we need to talk more and not just when there is a crisis so we'll end now and talk more tomorrow.
