Sandi's in Piecing and it's getting better

[MrBond]

Hi Sandi,

Your posts are always so on the money it's scary. : )

I agree with you that my W is in a "transition" state right now where she just emotionally empty and can't commit back into the M. Right now I get the feeling that she doesn't want to deal with it and/or not sure what she wants and so is just living right now.

Like you said, she's at the stage where she's coming down from the high of the OM and is dealing with the consequences of her actions from when she told me she wanted to leave. Unlike your sitch, she actually told me she wanted out to pursue her boss and that I was a horrible H, etc. Sure we had our disagreements, but none that could not have worked out.

My W is a little on the quieter side, so I've learned that when she does tell me something, no matter how small, I have to listen to it because to her a whisper is a scream. I've acknowledged all of the problems that she had with me after I understood that and have changed my behavior accordingly.

It's just that when she told me she wanted to leave, she was so intoxicated with the OM that no matter what I said or did would have made any difference. Evidently, she held onto little resentments and didn't tell me about them. And those resentments built until she finally used them as a reason for her leaving. It's amazing how small her resentments were and that she would leave her M because of them. For example, she said she didn't like it when I would forget to take out the garbage. Those were honest mistakes, but she actually told me she was leaving me because of things like that. She would actually have a different reason each week and after a while, you'd wonder how we even lasted 1 week together much less 17 years.

It's been just a little over one year since all this madness happened and I think just now she's coming down from her OM high.

I recognized that the one thing that led us down this path is that we put the kids' needs and attention before ours. I think she's slowly starting to realize that too, but didn't want to listen when I first brought this up because it was coming from me.

So, like DB says, the only person I can change is myself. I've been consciously talking to her more. Building up her self-esteem as much as possible and doing more around the house. I'm trying to outshine the OM as much as I can since she still works with him.

We actually had a R talk Sunday (I brought it up) and told her that I was not interested in a "roommate" and that it hurt every time she turned away when I tried kissing her. I know, my bad. I told her about all the things that was on my mind and how she should have talked to me before anyone else when we had problems. I talked to her about EAs and how they happen because she wasn't going to C or doing anything to understand why she did what she did. I know all anti-DB things, but at that point I was getting frustrated of being stuck in limbo. She didn't get mad or threaten to leave as she had in the past and the following morning, she gave me a peck on the lips goodbye as I was leaving for work. So in my W's case, sometimes I think I have to push her to maybe understand a little as to what happened. This is only because she really doesn't have any friends to talk to.

I apologized to her a couple of nights ago though for that R talk and that I didn't mean for all that stuff to come out. I told her I understood how she wasn't ready for certain things and it came out that night because even though we are together somewhat now, I feel even lonelier because I can't do anything with her like ML or romancing her. I told her that before she left, when we ML, it was the only intimate connection we had that didn't involve the kids and I missed it. I also told her that I especially feel sentimental when her old personality comes out and that I fell in love with her because of what was inside and not outside.

I KNOW we can get through this. Once she gets passed the confusion part and looks at the benefits of our R again. But you're right, it's going to take awhile. I think she's making an effort even though she's not admitting to it.

In terms of her sex drive. I think for her it is purely emotional and not hormonal. Only because she wanted to do more with the OM until I flat out put a stop to it. I accused her of being a homewrecker for pursuing a married man and that she was no better than her father who walked out on her mom when she was 6, the same age our oldest D is now. To this day my W had never forgiven her father for what he did and was always paranoid about me cheating on her. LOL.

You're right about the OM. I wish he would do something to her that would just see him in a bad light once and for all. I even found out that he was already cheating on his W the same time he tried to cheat with my W. So he had 3 people. After I told my W, she said it didn't matter. That's how hung up she was on him.

I'm going to continue to stick this out and do more of what works and what doesn't. I'm planning on making the "You are invited" card for the Mama Mia flower arrangement and see how it goes. I'll let you know. Wish me luck.

Thanks again for everything.