Stress, WAW and life in general II

[AJM]

I applaud that hesitation. I just think that you're not done yet. Doesn't mean it will happen quickly. I take heart in seeing what you went through, your current choices and seeing that you are not yet done.

Glad to have seen you post.

AJ

[mindfull]

AJ - Just peeking in to say Hi.

[mindfull]

Go see 22Tango's latest posting.

I don't have time now, but will post to her in the am. Not good.

[Kalni]

Ajm,
just read the last 8-9 pages of this thread. I am at work, cant get into details, just wanted to say to you that you NEED to stay "stable", solid, and strong. I know it is hard time for you but no matter what happens with your W moving out, with your kids knowing what's gonna happen, you need to stay strong. When you set boundaries, guard them, just like you did with the lawyer, when you want something to be clear with her, DO it, dont be afraid of her reactions.

She is lost. Confused, tired, feeling guilt for wanting and needing to leave but at the same time something or someone is pulling her away. I know that the seperation may look scary but in fact it could bring peace in her mind and help your R get thru this faster. I wish I had kicked my H out months before he actually left. I believe the damage done during those months is what cant be repaired now(it also made his affair more fun with all the secrecy etc and made it last more that it would...)

You know the rubberband effect? She can pull away all she wants, if she knows you are there, she will come back to you. Will you be there? That's something else...

Have you read "The way of the superior man" by D. Deida? I think it is a good read for you now.
Ohh well, I am in a hurry, I hope I make sense, next time I will post to you in Greek...
K

[AJM]

Thanks Kalni. If you would post to me in Greek, I promise to read it late at night with the lights off ;0)

[AJM]

Journal Update:
Last night W wanted to talk. This was after she got her national boards scores back and passed. She told me many times she didn't know what she would do if she had not passed. She did not have to worry about that. She does have to worry about passing her classes.
She talked about our neighbors. They're separating for the second time. In W's mind it's because of money. I see it differently. Her running buddy emailed me yesterday as well so I told her about it. His wife just left him. W thinks she should be medicated. Hm.... He wants to talk with me so I told her about it to be sure she was cool with my meeting with her friends. I'm taking him shooting most likely We also talked about some others that are getting separated etc. What? Is something in the water?
What caught my attention was her talking about us. She asked me several times if I wanted her to come with us for the family vacation. She thought I might hate her by the end of the summer, but if I did she would view that as a light at the end of the tunnel. She also asked me to get her school money transferred to the new account so she can move out. Today she was joking this morning at breakfast. She then called me later telling me we should go to the movies as a family on Sat vs. Tonight because she thinks we should talk to the kids (I said we'd talk to the therapist) and because my son wants to have a friend sleep over Saturday night. Confusing, but I think she just needs to get out and wants it done before going back to school. No thought to anything else at this point. I was encouraged by the hopefulness in her voice about life in general. And also how she is starting to push needy people away from her. People ask her for advice and she's starting to push them away and deal with her own issues. I think the time at the beach gave her quiet time to think about some things.
I suspect that in the end, she needs some time to work through a lot of things. She has been blaming me for her unhappiness and is starting to get to a point where she cannot do that anymore.

I took the family out for dinner last night to celebrate her passing the boards. Been very congratulatory for her. Praising. Showing my support of her good work.

I think my biggest issue right now is going to be the explanation to the kids and the setting and timing of that. They need to know I didn't want this and that I am working on things with their mother. We haven't given up but she feels she needs to move out.

AJ

[aliveandkicking]

AJM- I finally got out of my self-obsession and took a look at your thread...sorry it is so hard.

I think a therapist should help with the timing and wording with kids. We saw someone to make agreements about it. That was a tough day and I am still a bit traumatized thinking about it. I only tell you so you get help ahead of time and so you and W don't end up fighting or presenting different and possibly confusing information. I sooo relate. I never wanted my kids to think I condone this. But, I also can't villainize H, you know?

As for her blaming you (my sitch to), I suppose they can do it for as long as they want. I mean how many people do you know who blame and bitch about their exes. I am hoping that H will let me off the hook and look at himself BUT, it is me that has to stop blaming myself regardless of what he does.

As a woman, I will say that I think you GAL and being stable and perhaps a little elusive is only a good thing. At least for myself, I want to feel like a guy can take care of himself (and me, kids). Even if it is an unfair expectation, when courting or sizing someone up, it factors in.

There's some advice from a lost soul for ya.

[mindfull]

AJ:

Congrats on your wife's boards! That has to be one stress to check off the list!

I agree to speak with a therapist regarding telling the kids, UNLESS you both agree on the wording, tone, expectations, etc...

I really hate that she is moving out. I don't get it. She wants to separate, but agrees to remain faithful, will, in fact, spend MORE time with you and the kids, etc... FOGFOGFOG

[aliveandkicking]

Jeez, I think it is nice that she is remaining faithful and wants to spend time. Maybe she really does just need space...

[In Limbo]

Does anyone with experience have suggestions for what to tell the kids and how? How do you tell them it's a separation and not indicate divorce but yet not give them too much hope for reconciliation? How do you not condone the situation (especially when YOU do not want it) without villainizing the other spouse?

AJM - I feel your pain with the confusion. My H has OW (EA) he continues to lie about and is seriously MLC. In one conversation he can say ILY, I'm 95% sure I don't even want to try to save our M and then talk about the vacation we're taking this summer. Makes it a real roller coaster, no? We have also been together 20+ years and are about your same age - high school sweethearts, never dated anyone else. Makes it extra hard when you've invested your life in this person and suddenly they aren't the same person anymore. Hang in there. Sounds like you're doing a lot of things right.