This just feels so damn confusing. On the one hand I feel like I have made progress. While she told me she once hated me and was full of anger it all seems to have gone away. Where before she would storm out of the room, now she seems to want to hang out. But, and this is a big but, SHE IS DATING ANOTHER GUY. She's been dating this guy for a month. He's 50. She's 33.
She said she wanted to throw a going away party before we moved out of our house. The two of us, hosting a going away party. I told her I would have to think about whether or not I wanted to be a part of a party like that.
Anyway I am going away this weekend to a party. I think it may light a spark of jealousy. She said she wanted to walk the dog and then bring him back to our house tonight. I have to consider how to play it.
everyone tells me to give up. After all she has a boyfriend now. But I don't want to. I can't just yet.
Can't you do both. Go Dark but since there are kids you will end up seeing her periodically so be upbeat during those times.
Going Dark is your time to get off the rollercoaster and work on your self. Become the best person you can be and learn to be happy with or without them. That will help your own sanity and make you a more attractive person to your W. Even if you aren't seeing her often if you are really GALing it will show and she will eventually notice.
It also stops the pursuing. She needs the space and time to start to remember the good things about your marriage. She needs time to feel the regret without seeing you to remind her of her resolve.
The biggest benefit for me of going Dark (to the extent I can with kids) is the detachment aspect.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
Michelle recommends you accept some invitations but not all. This might be a good opportunity to tell her that you can't. You already have plans but would love to do it another night. Be vague about what your doing and plan what you will say ahead. Don't lie though. Actually plan to do something. Do you have a friend you can go see even for a few minutes? Then you can say I'm going to see a friend. Or do you have errands you can run or something.
I know it will be hard to miss an opportunity to see her.
Have you re-read DB/DR lately? It always motivates me and gives me clarity on what my next step is.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
Thanks Hopeful. I really appreciate it. I will pick up my copy of DB for the weekend. She did not ask me to have a drink. But we again hung out last night and this morning. This morning I made a point of leaving early. I can't tell if it is just wishful thinking, but sometimes I think I see signs of a break. Last night, she asked me if I was sleeping at my brother's in NYC. I smiled and said yes. She got a little suspicious -- maybe I smiled suspicioulsy
The thing is, she's been dating this guy for 4-5 weeks now. I get the feeling they have not yet been intimate, but that time may very well be this weekend. Obviously that is hard for me, but I also worry that it will be just a point of no return for her.
You know I think I am getting somewhere in my ability to detach. today is the first day that I feel I can really face the possibility of a life without her. I would much rather my life be with her. But I am strong. I have a great family, great kids, a great job, and I will be able to build a good and honorable life no matter what. I want my wife. I do not need her.
Well I am getting ready to leave for the weekend. I am going to a party in the City. Could be a bit dangerous. I'll be ok. Good weekends all. Be well, be kind, be happy, and just be.
Really good time hopeful. I think I have whipped right through detachment. Might be aided by the anti-depressants I am taking. I have accepted the fact that I can't change my wife. She's dating this guy, and I can't change that. So I put together a profile for Match.com and I'm going to put myself on the market. Maybe not true db'ing, but it feels right to me. I'm still convinced my wife and I will reconcile, but for right now I'm just going to be a good dad and have some fun.
That's great. It is so nice when you get that you can't change them and have no control over them. Don't get discouraged if you have days where you don't feel as detached and start to dwell again. This is a process and it takes work to keep your PMA but it sounds like you are doing great GAL which makes such a big difference.
Anti-depressants have kept me from going crazy through all this. On times when I forgot to take for a day or 2 I can totally feel the difference and my PMA drops way down.
I have thought about dating too. I think it would really help me detach but I wouldn't want it to go to far and it wouldn't be fair to the person I dated since I am still in love with W.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
