Newly separated...spouse left, 3rd thread

[clueless]

What do you think about this?

..."Remember her anger is good means she is still conflicted. Sometimes when I was getting my ears pinned back I would smile on the inside because I knew I still had a shot." - Coach

What do you think about it too, dburt?

Yeah, I've been thinking about that in my own sitch. My wife's anger is gone, and I worry that with it went my chances. As long as they are angry, they are still conflicted.

[antlers]

What do you think about this?

..."Remember her anger is good means she is still conflicted. Sometimes when I was getting my ears pinned back I would smile on the inside because I knew I still had a shot." - Coach

What do you think about it too, dburt?

Yeah, I've been thinking about that in my own sitch. My wife's anger is gone, and I worry that with it went my chances. As long as they are angry, they are still conflicted.

You can't go by just that. I wouldn't reach that conclusion based on just that. I've seen everything from complete indifference to incredible anger during this time period!

[antlers]

Talked to her last night by phone, first time in a month. She says it's over, we have no future together, she's not coming back, she wants nothing to do with me, and she hates me for treating her the way I did.

She says I need to accept that.

What do I do now?

[clueless]

Boy I am sorry antlers that had to be a very hard phone-call to take. Based on what you have posted before I think you know what the answer is. You need to find a way to keep going. you need to continue to make yourself a better person. You need to live up to your own standards. And what will happen with her will happen.

I feel for you. To paraphrase you, hopefully the pain will make us all better people.

[antlers]

I really would appreciate some advice right now. Do I let go of the rope? Do I go dark? Do I accept that it's over, and we will never be together again?

What do I do now?

I feel like I'm by myself in the world.

[PortlandDad]

Hey antlers. Sorry to hear about the phone call, but it sounds like now is the right time to start DBing in earnest. Remember, don't believe anything they say. At this point, actions speak louder than words.

[dburt]

I hope you validated and not blame her for thinking that, it is a shame that this had to happen for me to finally get it. Whatever happens, thank you for doing this to me because I am a better man now than I was, good bye.

Anything like this? or was it a pleading, please don't do this type of call?
It is time for you to act as if she is not coming back, because she may not, but she definitely will not come back if she does not see changes in you.

Burt

[antlers]

Boy I am sorry antlers that had to be a very hard phone-call to take. Based on what you have posted before I think you know what the answer is. You need to find a way to keep going. you need to continue to make yourself a better person. You need to live up to your own standards. And what will happen with her will happen.

I feel for you. To paraphrase you, hopefully the pain will make us all better people.

It was. Had a sleepless night last night because of it. No, I really don't know what the answer is...other than to continue to work on myself and become the best man I can, and to love my kids and try to improve our relationships. I know I gotta keep going regardless. It's hard to not only hear these things, but to accept them as fact...that's difficult! I kept hoping for a miracle...and in some ways I still do. But I don't want to be impeded by hanging on to a false hope. I really do see, feel, and think differently about things now...and it is an improvement for sure. But it doesn't matter at all to her.

I'm 48. I feel so alone in the world.

[antlers]

Hey antlers. Sorry to hear about the phone call, but it sounds like now is the right time to start DBing in earnest. Remember, don't believe anything they say. At this point, actions speak louder than words.

I thought I had been! I had so much hope! Still do...despite the conversation last night. I don't know if that's a false hope that I should let go of completely, or if I should contuinue with it?
It's hard not to believe the things that she said last night! She started crying while talking to me, because of the crap that she endured, and then she got definite and defiant and made the statements that I mentioned earlier, among other equally painful ones.
I know what you're saying about not believing anything they say...but damn!
I guess we'll see what actions she takes. The ball is completely in her court. She told me how she felt, and I told her how I felt.

I'm pretty sad right now.

[antlers]

I hope you validated and not blame her for thinking that, it is a shame that this had to happen for me to finally get it. Whatever happens, thank you for doing this to me because I am a better man now than I was, good bye.

Anything like this? or was it a pleading, please don't do this type of call?
It is time for you to act as if she is not coming back, because she may not, but she definitely will not come back if she does not see changes in you.

Burt

Man, I validated everything she said! I didn't blame her for anything! I mentioned that this predicament forced me to take a look at myself and I didn't like what I saw...and I knew that I had to make some positive changes in myself regardless! And that I have, and will continue to do so regardless!
It didn't mean anything ti her though.

There was no begging or pleading, or "please don't do this" by me. I did ask her to please take some time and reconsider before taking that final step, and I let her know that I did not want to divorce. She knows that I've made changes, and it doesn't matter to her. She says that I'm still the same person that hurt her...regardless of my changes. I know that I have to start living that way, like she's not coming back. It's a mutha!

I feel a lot of sadness and despair right now. I feel like even my hope, as faint as it was, has been crushed!