Oh...I think I went over that some in my previous thread. Typical Nice Guy stuff. Put aside my wants and needs for her through the marriage and was scared to express my feelings because I didn't want any conflict under the assumption it would drive her away. Ironically I think that doing that was a major part of driving her away....weird how that works out. I've been working on this issue with my IC for awhile now and am getting over my fear of this and now own and express my feelings without fearing the outcome. It's really liberating...
I had this also, it is really hard for me because I do not like conflict. It is how you handle conflict and not trying to avoid it. Understand.
Burt
Me too - same problem avoiding conflict.
Also been working on it. My IC focused more on root causes and feelings than just ways to handle conflict better, but I found N.U.T.S. and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" helpful. Any other suggestions from either of you?
I'm always open to new ideas.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I just try to step back and see how I'm really feeling now before I do something. NMMNG and NUTS were both really helpful in teaching me how to own my feelings and just put them out there. It's still hard though but I think it gets easier the longer you do it.
Been awhile since I posted and I'm hoping Puppy will see this and let me know his thoughts. Over the weekend W asked if I had an IC appointment set up for this week. I said yes, I have one Tuesday why? She asked if she could go with me to it (my IC was our MC when the bomb first dropped...before she stopped MC). I asked her what it was about and she said that she wanted to talk about communication and bring up some other stuff. I told her that was ok by me and left it at that. So yesterday we go to the session and she starts by telling the counselor about what has happened since the last time he saw her and all and then throws out the real reason she wanted to come. She doesn't want to move out and get her own place. To say i was a little shocked is a huge understatement as that is all she has talked about for months. She wants to stay in the house in the spare bedroom. IC asked me how I felt about it and I just came back with the obvious question....are we roommates or are we going to start working on 'us'. She said for now all she wants is roommates....she doesn't want to think about a relationship with ANY man at the moment. She said that since seeing her IC she realizes she needs to work through all her issues and get happy with herself before working on a relationship with anyone. IC asked her if she thought she could do that and work on the relationship with me in a slow baby steps kind of way and she said no, not at this time. IC asked me how I felt about it and I said that it was not exactly what I wanted but that I was ok with the arrangement but that if we were going to live as roommates that she will need to contribute to the expenses. W asked what I was thinking and I said that since I make roughly 4 times what she does that she should chip in 1/4 of the expenses. She said she was ok with that. IC then said we need to have clearly defined boundaries in the house. He said we need to work out boundaries around personal space, privacy, chores, time with D3, etc... We agreed and will sit down to work those out on Sunday. IC then asked if either one of us was pursuing something with anyone else to which we both said no. He asked if we did decide to see other people would we tell each other which we both said yes. He asked if one or both of us did see other people would we bring them to the house to which we both said no. He then focused more on me and said that this would be harder for me than W because i'm still more attached to her than she is to me. I acknowledged that and said I knew it would be hard but I was willing to try it out. He then said we should establish checkpoints to talk about how the arrangement was going and to adjust it as necessary. We agreed to every 2 months. We also agreed to go to joint counseling every month to work on communicating with each other and talk through things with either my IC or her IC. So, that was a pretty eventful session to say the least and I'm still trying to understand why the sudden change of heart on getting her own place. Fast forward to today and W calls me up a couple of hours ago and we talk about our days and all...nice conversation really and I'm just listening and validating some issues W is having with her job and after awhile she says it feels weird talking to me and she has to go. WTH? I just said ok, talk to you later. Really don't know what that was about either. So, any thoughts, advice, etc....????
So, that was a pretty eventful session to say the least and I'm still trying to understand why the sudden change of heart on getting her own place. Fast forward to today and W calls me up a couple of hours ago and we talk about our days and all...nice conversation really and I'm just listening and validating some issues W is having with her job and after awhile she says it feels weird talking to me and she has to go. WTH? I just said ok, talk to you later. Really don't know what that was about either. So, any thoughts, advice, etc....????
Security. My guess is that she'll be able to live much better with you paying 3/4 of the expenses than she will if she has to get her own place. Even if she can't live up to her end of the bargain, chances are that you won't kick the mother of your child out. She arranged a pretty sweet deal without giving you anything.
And it was really smooth of her to cut the deal in "marriage counseling." She lured you into an environment in which you expect to work on the marriage and then told you that she wants all of the benefits of marriage--financial security, uninterrupted time with your child, etc.--without any of the work or accountability. Since you'll have a "roommate" relationship, now she will want you to respect her privacy...giving her the freedom to continue her affair without your having any right to know.
Also, a true "roommate" relationship would require either a 50/50 split...if she has the run of the house...or boundaries on what she can do and where she can go in the house. Are you going to establish those boundaries? Since you're paying 3/4 of the expenses of the household, you should have 3/4 of the decision-making power. If you're a married couple it's different, but if you're roommates she should treat you as a landlord and you should treat her as a tennant--you are not a team.
Sorry to be so negative, but I think you just got waylaid.
I'm feeling like I got waylaid some myself. Honestly, if I didn't think it was better for D3 to be in one house and not shuffling between two places during the week I wouldn't have gone for it at all. I feel pretty torn between what is right for me and what is right for D3 and I'm putting D3 ahead of myself in this which I should do since she is affected and has no say in what happens. We are going to establish boundaries and one of those is going to be not to go into each others rooms without the person being in there. Not that she totally couldn't violate that but you have to have some trust right?
Not that she totally couldn't violate that but you have to have some trust right?
Has she done anything to earn that trust? You don't know for a fact that she's not still seeing Señor New Guy--she just told you she isn't. I don't remember...did she lie about it before? You may have just invited that problem, and all of the pain associated with it, into your home where you'll have to look at it every day.
She made no commitment to you or to the marriage. All she wants is a place to live while she "works on herself" to become a "happy person." I'm not sure that D3 is your top motivator here, because if your W divorces you, the households will be split anyway. I think you accepted her proposal on the off chance that perhaps, maybe, in the future, after she's had some time (with you paying the living expenses), after she gets happy, she'll want to work on your marriage.
I think this puts you in a very weak position in the present and in the future. In the present, you're playing "daddy" to your W with no accountability. If, by chance, she does decide that the marriage is what she wants, you've fed her sense of entitlement.
Maybe you're strong enough to establish and enforce boundaries in that kind of situation, but I know I'm not.
DC, Listen to Nutfarmer. This is real wisdom, and I wish I had listened to more stuff like this years ago, as I could have saved myself a LOT of heartache (and money).
