We have another MC session scheduled for this evening - followed by a movie date.
The last two sessions have been mostly about her slowly opening up and beginning to express her feelings (mostly negative), and me validating and "being the rock". I can see that this really is incredibly hard for her.
After a bit of reflection, I think that one of the issues in our M has been my relative lack of emotional openness. I have found it difficult to effectively express my emotions, with her or with anyone. This has been true for both positive emotions (joy, excitement) and negative (fear, sadness, anger). It's a long-solidified defense mechanism, but when I get emotional, I throw up a wall and go stoic. The negative emotions still come out later - but in other forms - as criticism, etc.
When I think about it, I can easily imagine how being with someone who denies and closes off his emotions could cause my wife to do feel stifled, closing off her own emotions.
Although she has never said it directly, she has made comments several times that I can remember that support this. "Finally, you're getting angry" "Why did you just sit there emotionless" etc.
What I have to learn - for myself, for this R, or for any future R - is how to be strong while still acknowledging and expressing my emotions.
Right now I am thinking that this is what I have to work on in IC and MC. I need to work on opening up and letting her in to see my emotions, somehow without bludgening her with them, making her feel pressured by them, appearing weak, or otherwise chasing her away.
I am torn and a bit afraid about this. It does not match with some of the DB practices that I have been using - act as if, PMA, etc. But it is also a 180 for me - to openly talk about my emotions.
Any advice?? Any "OMG No! Don't do it"'s?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
