That post from Sandi was a godsend in your sitch. Please pay attention to her words. Every one of them is a good idea. I completely agree with everything she said but probably couldn't have articulated it so well. The time now is for you. Learn your patience and forget about reconcilliation for now. That's a long, long term goal.
Let go of the rope.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
What is the definition of 'dropping the rope'? Also, does this mean I change my attitude as it appears the things I need to do go against DR'ing. Do I continue with the 180's I had identified or do I simply forget them?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I don't think what you need to do goes against DRing at all. The things you need to stop doing is like Sandi said. Stop pandering to your W's every desire, stop giving in to her every time she comes with some emotional blackmail, etc.
Dropping the rope means basically let her go. I know you want to hold on with every fibre of your being but it's obviously not working. You need to be able to distance yourself from her enough that you can begin to find yourself and grow as a person. You're most definitely now on the last resort technique (LRT) section in the DR book. Nowhere in there does it say anything about doing every little thing your W asks of you. You are definitely not responsible for the marital home when you're not living there. Do what Sandi says and only have your kids on your pre-agreed nights no matter how much your W tries to make you feel guilty about it. That won't make you any less of a loving father but it will make you more of a man.
She has you by the short and curlies mate and unless you step up and say enough is enough, nothing's going to change. The one goal I would set yourself now is to be able to stand up to your W and not let her bully you in to doing something. You know you can do it. It'll then become easier over time and she will respect you more for it. Stop looking for reactions from her too. Do things for you, not for her approval. Her approval is a weapon she's been using against you up till now and you have to stop it. You will gain more respect from her by doing this too no matter what she says. I know you can do it.
Good luck.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
I cannot believe the gall of this woman. We have just had a bust up over money and the children...and then going into I never loved her, her love for me has gone, her mother dosen't like me, I do not care enough about the children. She even said I should have bought them toothbrushes so that they could have their own when they come to stay with me, I should think about these things and she should not have to suggest them, out of sight, out mind. I should have their own pile of DVD's here, not have any women in the house when I return to the marital home and she moves out. I should have the children overnight EVERY Wednesday when I am not working. Have a day off when I am working to take them out because I have never done in 10 years. Unfortunately, all this was in earshot of the children.
There is more but I do not want to bore you all. I then drove home and then received a text saying do I want her to pay for all the telephone calls she has made!!! I ignored the text.
I cannot believe the anger she still has inside her.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I cannot believe the anger she still has inside her.
..."Remember her anger is good means she is still conflicted. Sometimes when I was getting my ears pinned back I would smile on the inside because I knew I still had a shot." - Coach
C'mon! I don't know about you...but my wife has every right to be resentful and angry, and to express it, and to stay with it for as long as she wants...AND SHE DOES! She walked on eggshells for a long time!
Nevertheless...her anger and resentment at me hurts bad! Remember...hurtful people say hurtful things!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
