It's all ablazin'....

[Startingover2]

I would do something on the carseat issue. Seriously. Warn him and then if he doesn't comply call the police right after he leaves you and tell them. Let him get pulled over. That is so incredibly dangerous. He is breaking the law and putting K in a dangerous place.

[Sugar and Spice]

Oh, yah. As I was telling SO2...I recently found out that my H had oral sex with a friend of mine right after he moved out. She is the wife of a very good friend of mine and I feel awful that I know.

SO not the point, but if she was doing that w/your H, then she is NOT your friend. Feel sorry for her H. I wouldn't know what to do in that situation, its a hard position to be in.

Also, can someone tell me why he is getting meaner? I don't understand it. I am not mean to him. So, why? Is it because I am the easiest one to direct his anger at?

He is getting meaner because the reality of his situation is kicking in and its not all fun & games anymore. He directs his anger at you because you are safe - (meaning he can always vent his feelings to or on you and you continue to be there) and experience has shown him that he can press your buttons, get you to react and in turn justify his feelings by being mad at you, instead of dealing with his $hit like a grown up.

[Forrest Gump]

"I recently found out that...."

I was very specific with the ...

Cause in the scheme of things.. It does not mean much!

How does knowing that "..." help you in any way? Truth be told this man has walked all over you and you still "Love" him. If I was your friend I would be telling you.. GTF away from him. Stop talking to him.. stop interacting with him. On the surface.. that is good advice. But that advice lacks a plan.

You have to stop telling him that you are "strong". Your mouth moves.. and he "see's" the hurt. Trust me.. I have done the exact same thing.

From day 1 I have harped on this fact. Why do you think that DB says.. GAL, Do Something Different?

GAL is simply about removing yourself from thinking about what is going on in your life. If you find yourself sitting somewhere "out" and still thinking about him.. you are just not GAL correctly!

Do Something Different.. is all about throwing them (WAH/WAW) off their game. Or to be more clear to make them think about you.

People are simplistic to a point. They follow patterns. If you can recreate the patten that attracted "him" to you.. then you have a chance. I don't know that I want to encourage you to do that.. because it would bring on "drama" that I am not sure you are ready for.

If you look beyond the situation you find yourself in.. how would you react if tomorrow he came back and said.. I want you?

Unless you are ready to put ALL the past behind you and move forward.. things will not go well when/if he says that.

The biggest goal for me.. is to "see" you standing on solid ground. IMO.. you are not doing that yet.

"So, tell me....I should just keep my mouth shut. Don't sweat the small stuff. Act like he is perfectly capable of caring for her. Don't fall into his trap. And, if he calls me a name....just ignore it and walk away...don't take the bait?????"

Yes.. to a point. Stop "mothering" him. My Mom always has some suggestion on how I could do better. It does not always fit the situation in my mind. I still love her.. but she can be overbearing at times. Pick your battles. Be smart about things.

"Also, can someone tell me why he is getting meaner? I don't understand it. I am not mean to him. So, why?"

When life makes you stop and ponder.. "I don't understand it." most likely you are doing something "wrong". DB tells us to stop doing that.. and Do Something Different.

The weird thing about all this is.. from day 1 I have tried to point out that you are better than "this". You are smarter than "this". You can do better than "this".

Yet you seem to get lost in "this".

In "this" you lost a part of you.. the best part.. and I am not sure how to pull you out of "this".

You really need to dig deep here.. and find you in all "this"

Your "Emotion" is making you hold "this" stuff too tight. You need to get back to the basics.. and find some solid ground to "work" from.

#1.. Stop telling him what he did wrong.

#2.. Get your mind off of what is happening around you.

#3.. Go to work and do the best "job" you can.

#4.. Enjoy your time with K.

#5.. If you do the first 4.. you will sleep better.

#6.. Smile when you wake up and brush your teeth.

#7.. Remember the good things you have in your life.

#8.. From 5-7 will make 1-4 much easier and more enjoyable.

Do you see how life is a cycle there? It starts with you not "reacting". Then moves into you "refreshing". Then moves into you "enjoying". Then to you "sleeping" (relaxing).

I know.. I am "crazy" but I will tell you it is that simple in my mind.. and it has worked.. for me and others.

Simple things can change your life. You just have to do them consistently.

[blindsided1]

I only have a second but will post again later. But, the information I found out....doesn't matter to me...really. I was not surprised in the least to find that out. What does surprise me...is that I don't care and this is why I think I'm done here. Yes, there are days when he hurts and it hurts bad. Maybe because I don't understand how he can still treat me so badly when he was the one to inflict so much hurt. I never hurt him..not intentionally, if at all.

[Startingover2]

You can't answer those questions on why they hurt us over and over because we are not dealing with rational, logical, sensitive people. If they were we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. They would be men of integrity and still be married and putting thier families first. They don't know how to process what they have done so its easier to villanize you to justify thier bad choices. He knows you have done nothing to deserve this and that thought is too much to bear and lay on his shoulders to he has to fake it like you did something.

[sandycay]

Blindsided,

I dont' know if I have ever posted to your specific situation but your is one I read. You always get great advice froom your friends here.

Your road has been hard, I can only imagine your feelings even though we have both been betrayed by our H.

You ask early why your H still treated you so badly well:

I would like to remind you of the old saying:

People treat you how you let them treat you. Your in control of that but yet you keep expecting him to change. He knows you will allow this behavior. So he will continue.... it's up to you to change the dynamic.


Blessings,

[S.T. _I Made It!]

wow, I'm just wondering why no one has mentioned the fact that he cheated on his girl he cheating on you with.

anyways, I'm with FG. you've got to stop talking. and I love his info on respect. He is correct that almost all guys would rather have respect than love. well, in their minds, respect is love probably. and FG, I would LOVE to hear a bigger explanation too.

B, what you have to realize is that whatever you say, is 99% not going to get him to do what you want. So, being quiet is not going to make things worse. And guys HATE being told what they should do. that's why I always say we should ask them what they think is okay, or what their ideal situation would be.

Now in the case of the carseat, you have asked and he said she likes it better. perhaps that is true, perhaps she doesn't cry as much or something. What you should do first I think is talk to a policeman or fireman and tell them what he is driving and how it is placed and what they think. How you will relay that info, I'm not really sure. maybe you can find out the statistics of injuries or something.

If I was in your shoes, it would be really hard for me. I'm very much a control freak when it comes to my kids.

SMW told me something today. she told her H that it is up to her whether or not he hurts her, it is HER feelings, and she gets to choose to respond to those feelings,

something like that. It is YOU who get to choose if he hurts you or not. Remember, when he is mean, it is because he is hurting. You are his easy target. Stop defending yourself, and stop telling him what he is and isn't doing. When he treats you wrongly, leave. don't even say anything.

even if you think you know your done, you are so very much stuck in this sitch. I know your climbing out, but you can do better.

(((B)))

[S.T. _I Made It!]

oh, what are your reasons for the carseat issue? the airbag? if that is on, that is a huge no no. how old is she now?

[Startingover2]

oh, what are your reasons for the carseat issue? the airbag? if that is on, that is a huge no no. how old is she now?

California law says 1 year and/or 20 lbs. K is not even a year yet...not until June. So he is already breaking the law. It is so incredibly dangerous to turn them around already. They are trying to get the law changed to 2 years and/or 30 lbs. I have this link...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRP7ynNI8mI

Sorry BS...I am just appalled that your H is putting her in this kind of danger.

[blindsided1]

I am disgusted by him too. I sent him a link to an article talking about why it was more dangerous to have them front facing and to keep them rear facing as long as possible even if their legs are hitting the seat. In a crash, forward facing infants sustain neck injuries, where rear facing infants have a greater area to spread out the impact. It was all in there. I sent the link with the note:

H,
This is about her safety. I’m not trying to tell you that you are doing something wrong. I just want her to be as safe as possible. I know you do, too. So, just read it and then decide. I won’t discuss this with you again. You’re her parent, too. Do what’s best for her. It’s not a battle between you and I.



Take care

- A

I hope that sounded okay. I was trying to not be overbearing and "Mothering". I got the message across, I think. But, knowing my H...he probably didn't even read it and just deleted it.