The adventure continues- part 4

[gucci loafer]

Who are you? Where do you get this stuff and why the hell didn't I have this info when I needed it 10 years ago? Seriously, this is good stuff. You should write a book--you'd make millions.

I have been around the block a time or two.

MUCH success in helping others win back a lover..

I know what works. The bottom line here is to do what works.

Jealousy WORKS. You are denying yourself an opportunity by not using this method. You don't want to use it... No loss to me. (I have to be careful saying that on here because suddenly you will hear others come on and start the "righteousness bologna")Then the whole thread turns to jealousy..It WORKS. Use it.(if you want your BEST chance, if not, then you probably are not going to like your chances. It doesn't make me wrong though if you don't use it or if others disagree..Because I am not wrong. It makes the naysayers WRONG. I don't find that standing by your marriage while a spouse or lover is having love and sex with someone else ( and WHO knows what else) a very smart thing to do. Maybe getting a taste of their own medicine is what wakes them up (which is DOES) I think it makes you look silly and weak to let them do it while you say you will wait for them.
It doesn't work. If it did, I would recommend it. If it did, then we should be overloaded with success stories on this site, because we SURE have a lot of people standing strong on their marriage.

** NOTE.. Don't let this change from using "jealousy" to "when are you getting married?" We are only talking jealousy here. Not getting married to the first person of the opposite sex that you have a laugh with. Doesn't mean you have sex with your first meet for coffee...

If you are observing to learn from others on this site, you would be wise to observe the WS's that come on here...

The pattern is this when you see "most" of them...

It goes like this... "I was the WS. I had an affair for ___(fill in blank on time)...

"I finally realized the error of my ways and want my BS back.
Can you help me. I am so sorry. I have tried telling (him or her)
how sorry I am, but now (read this carefully AFWAW) he or she isn't sure what they want. I think they may be interested in someone else. (notice how often you will hear or observe that from a repentant WS)...
How can I DB my spouse and show them how sorry I am and that I have changed? Should I call them? Are they just rebounding?"


You will find out that this happens a LOT when you starting accepting reality. You will actually start to say to yourself.. "you know, Gucci is right, it does happen a lot once you are open to it"

Ask Pollyanna...
Do a search on this site of all the WS's you can find and count how often things didn't change UNTIL the BS let go and of course there is almost always another person that the BS now has brought into the picture. (the WS suddenly KNOWS HOW IT FEELS)


Let her go AFWAW. Let her go... Allow her to chase.. You don't have to be mean or punitive. Just stop initiating ANYTHING. Start telling her you don't know how YOU feel either. "maybe I will start dating, maybe you are right...hey.. gotta run, I was just....... tlak to you later... ta ta"....

I can't help that this works. I can tell you it DOES.. Who cares why it works. Do it and see for yourself.

[dburt]

I remember when I first started working out, I had a trainer that was hot (female), wife got wind, that Windy was my trainer, good lord, how many questions did I get from W about her, and all I said was yeah she is hot, well, gotta run, meeting Wendy again at 10.

When she and I were dating, she came running back to me after she found out that I was dating a hot girl, just something in a woman that cannot get beaten by another woman.

I would not go on a "date" as I think she is looking for justification for her actions, but I would make her think that I have found someone that I am interested in, in a covert type fasion.

Burt

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I remember when I first started working out, I had a trainer that was hot (female), wife got wind, that Windy was my trainer, good lord, how many questions did I get from W about her, and all I said was yeah she is hot, well, gotta run, meeting Wendy again at 10.

When she and I were dating, she came running back to me after she found out that I was dating a hot girl, just something in a woman that cannot get beaten by another woman.

I would not go on a "date" as I think she is looking for justification for her actions, but I would make her think that I have found someone that I am interested in, in a covert type fasion.

Burt

This would more or less be my position, as well.

fwiw.

Puppy

[gucci loafer]

I would not go on a "date" as I think she is looking for justification for her actions

This would have nothing to do with "her" justification. She ALREADY has justified what she has done and is doing. What she was doing by telling AFWAW this was TESTING him. (women sometimes don't come out and tell us what they think, they do things like SHE DID. They TEST you because it is safer) She outsmarted him and got what she wanted. She put it this way instead of ASKING him if he had met someone. It HAD crossed her mind in the past few days (revealed by her drive-bys at his work) because he was starting to "help" her to feel that he had possibly let go. Saying it this way made it look like it was her idea if he said yes, and got the answer she secretly was wondering about if he said no. (no he wasn't dating and "would not date") AND it went right OVER HIS HEAD WHAT SHE HAD DONE because of the way she manipulated the conversation.) Once she was validated that AFWAW was still there she could hold off on making a decision and wait out to see if the OM was going to come back to her. It was a "smooth" approach on her part and got the necessary results.

He did not pass the test. He should have let her believe not only that he may do it, but that he had been thinking about it for some time. (which I secretly think most men on here DO think about and I DO think many men on here secretly visit the dating sites while telling the rest of us that they are "standing for the marriage")(You can't fool a guy...guys ;))

[PMA_Baby!]

AFWAW, You definitely have some tough decisions ahead to make. If you do keep on following Gucci and others advice. Most likely she will come back. Now what does that mean? Totally committed and "found Jesus"? What will it take? Well, unfortunately, not to be pestimistic, your needs vs. her needs are on 2 different planets. You might have to consider that your WAW, like my ex, just might not be capable of being the person you need her to be. I for one would never have done what my ex has done no matter how hurt I was. All you can do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst, but chances are she will never really change unless she totally commits herself to counseling and the root cause analysis. I'm afraid like me, you are more in love with the idea of her then who she is really capable of being. You need to think about what your needs and wants are and establish some pretty strong boundaries. Plus for me the trust issue was a big one. I thought many times about if I could really trust her if she did come back. I never really came to a concrete answer on that. Maybe we could have pieced but because of how she deceived in the first place I am not sure.

The bottomline is I hope she does come back and wants to seriously work on your marriage. I hope you set strong boundaries and continue to work on your co-dependent issues like most of us are dealing with.

Good Luck, B

[gucci loafer]

PMA,
IF AFWAW handles this correctly she will do whatever it takes to make it work. That isn't an issue. The real issue is when AFWAW is going to show her that he can and WILL reject and not accept this type of behavior not only from her, but from any woman that is so luck to have him. It is WHEN HE gets to that point that he will understand where I am at on this issue. It is when he applies it that he will see the fruits of his new strength. It will be when she FEELS it from him that this could turn around.

He should NOT take her back until she says she WANTS to come back and that she is sorry and has made a huge mistake and loves him and has always loved him and etc. etc...

He won't get her to that point UNTIL he does what I have been advising. It is his move here first. Stay fearful, paralyzed and waiting (and not get her back) OR get busy living and start going out on the town and letting loose while he holds the line on her about chasing, pursuing and offering too much information about his "feelings".. He knows what I am talking about here, but his confidence is shot. This is why he needs to quit following his fleeting feelings and follow logic and reality.

She WILL do whatever it takes if he accepts NOTHING less than that.

[AFWAW]

I would not go on a "date" as I think she is looking for justification for her actions

This would have nothing to do with "her" justification. She ALREADY has justified what she has done and is doing. What she was doing by telling AFWAW this was TESTING him. (women sometimes don't come out and tell us what they think, they do things like SHE DID. They TEST you because it is safer) She outsmarted him and got what she wanted. She put it this way instead of ASKING him if he had met someone. It HAD crossed her mind in the past few days (revealed by her drive-bys at his work) because he was starting to "help" her to feel that he had possibly let go. Saying it this way made it look like it was her idea if he said yes, and got the answer she secretly was wondering about if he said no. (no he wasn't dating and "would not date") AND it went right OVER HIS HEAD WHAT SHE HAD DONE because of the way she manipulated the conversation.) Once she was validated that AFWAW was still there she could hold off on making a decision and wait out to see if the OM was going to come back to her. It was a "smooth" approach on her part and got the necessary results.

He did not pass the test. He should have let her believe not only that he may do it, but that he had been thinking about it for some time. (which I secretly think most men on here DO think about and I DO think many men on here secretly visit the dating sites while telling the rest of us that they are "standing for the marriage")(You can't fool a guy...guys ;))

Damn, you're good! I feel like a fool and I see where I failed miserably. And yes you are correct, I have been looking and have already had offers to be set up. I see exactly what you are saying now. $#%##%%#$, I won't fail next time! I have not gone on a dating web site although I've thought about it. I am however in contact with a woman that is in her late 20's and seems interested. Just got an email from her asking how I'm doing. Told her I was fine and asked her if she got invited to a friend's wedding. Don't know if it means anything but hey she's a good looking lady and if she's emailing me then hey, you never know. I'll have to see what happens, I'm going to use the philosophy you have set forth of not chasing a woman that doesn't want to be chased. And no, I'm not necessarily going to "date" her but going to lunch or coffee isn't a date. At this point, I need all the friends I can get and if the wife or one of her friends saw us then hey that can't hurt either as you so eloquently put it. Thanks again!

[AFWAW]

Roger that. Let's see, today, I have not cried or obsessed over what the wife is doing and I feel a lot better.

Just got back from the gym and I think I know who the OM is. Something just clicked in my brain. I remember the wife telling me about an Army Major she was working out with and oh, wait, since I've been back, she hasn't been working out with him. She told me before also that she thought I should get a flattop again as she thought it looked good. She also told me personal stuff about him like Major XXXXXX is going out of town this weekend, meeting the wife and kids and going to DisneyWorld. Well, it hit me when I was working out. I saw this guy, carrying an Army backpack, a little older--mid 40's and he kept looking at me--hopefully he's not gay. Now I don't have proof but a lot of things my wife told me make me believe that this is a possibility. She shared personal stuff with him and what's that I keep reading about friends of the opposite sex? Something else she said about this guy--he's PCSing in Oct and he's going some place we can't go. The only thing to do is to look up his name and see if his wife is listed in the global email as a Col. I'm almost willing to bet.

[waiting2xhale]

I am a newbie; I do more reading than commenting. Let me say that I have been following your story for quite some time. I’ve actually had several teary eyed moments reading your post and feeling your pain. It hurts, and it hits home with mostly everyone on the board. I actually had made a comment a few weeks back, stating to “just let her go”. I didn’t say much of anything else. But after the post I felt so bad because everyone else was suggesting different approaches to deal with the sitch. However, as time went by, things weren’t looking up because your W is not willing to change her ways just yet. And it’s hurting you and breaking your confidence in yourself. You’ve shown on this board that you are a committed man, but you’re losing yourself in the process.

There’s no need to find out OM’s identity and if the affair is still going on. It’s not going to change what has already been done. Trust me, if she’s ready to truly come home, she’d show you rather than tell you.

My thoughts on exposure…. really take the time to think about it. It can help or hurt the sitch. I exposed out of hurt, I can’t say that I would take back that action, but I may have waited a while longer. I wish I would have know about this board first.

Oh, the guy may have been looking at you that way because he knew who you were. The OP always knows what the spouse looks like.

I’m with Gucci……Let her go….

[hooper1668]

AFWAW,
It would be better for you to identify the OM and expose. An affair within the military between an officer and enlisted, both married, is different than civilians. Most civilians would not lose thier job, possible demotion, fines, extra duty, UCMJ, discharge...that is why it is important for you to know who so you can get command involvement and have a "no contact"...it is a tool that you have to end the affair. Is it 100%? No, but the OM and your wife will quickly realize this affair is not worth it...in almost 30 yrs in the military I only saw one affair continue after the no contact order was issued...and that person (the highest ranking, male) who continued contact was discharged in less than 4-months. It might have been embarassing for the woman but she is back with her husband and they went on to have another child.

No one can predict what will happen...you have gotten alot of great advice...detach, take care of yourself, never forget your daughters well being as it is your job to protect her from your wifes actions for now.

Keep your log book on what she does for use later in court. Again, I hope this works out best for you and yours.

You are doing well...

V/r,