VH can you think of a poster here that has divorced and is dealing with ow and their children? I would like to read their threads.
Ok, I am not legally divorced yet but the papers are signed by me and my stbx just waiting for the judge to sign them so I somewhat qualify for this.
My stbx has been living with his new gf part time for about 6 months. He only stays at his place when he has the kids because they refuse to go to her house. They want nothing to do with this woman. I don't push them but I do tell them that she is a part of their fathers life and needs to accept that. I leave it in their hands. My girls are 15 and 18. I can't make them go see their father if they don't want to and I can't keep them from seeing him either. (not that I ever would)
Monday I got a call from him regarding some things and as we were talking he informed me he was giving up his apartment and moving in with her full time. I have to admit it did upset me a little bit. Not because I was hoping he would come home but because I knew how my girls would react. He was going to sit them down last night and talk to them. Me being the person I am wanted to tell them beforehand so they would be prepared, but I didn't. That was tough. Probably the reason I had to take a mental health day yesterday. I don't do well with stress.
Anyway, he told them and they accepted it the best that they could. I don't know what they are going to do on the days they are supposed to visit him since they won't go to her house. I suggested meeting for dinner or spending the day in the mountains on the weekends just until they are comfortable with it. I told him not to push but to let them take the lead. My stbx does not understand this. He feels he is their father and can tell them what to do. He has tried to push this woman on them from day one but they don't budge. He has made the comment to me that she wants them to be a part of her life. Understandable. They actually want me to be a part of their life also but I am not ready for that. Maybe never will but for now I like keeping my distance.
Sunshine, you have to let your son decide what he wants. You can't let what this woman says upset you. If you continue doing this you will not ever be able to let go and move on with your life. If you don't let your son make his own decisions you will push him away as my stbx is doing. Regarding what the new woman is saying on myspace has nothing to do with you. Yes, it is your son but would you rather her be talking nice about him or bad mouthing him? She is trying. As hard as it is to accept the fact that she is a part of your xh and son's life, you have to do it. Let everything go. The way you are acting will have an affect on your son and also your nephew that is living with you. You don't realize how you act affects them. Try to pull yourself together and let go of him. I know you haven't had much time to deal with it but you need to try harder to put the past where it belongs...in the past. Stop dwelling on anything to do with your xh, he is gone and there is nothing you can do.
If any of your friends start talking about xh or his gf then stop them and say you don't want to hear it. I have had to do that. I am still very close to my stbx MIL and she has tried telling me things but I told her I didn't want to hear it. We have an understanding now.
You will be surprised on how well things are when you accept things and move on with your life. I never thought I would be happy again but I am. I have moved on and am enjoying life again. I was on anti depressants for over 7 years but am off of them now. I feel so much better. I don't let the little things get to me as much anymore. You need to grieve for the marriage that crumbled and then pick yourself up and start over. Life is what we make of it. If you keep going down the path you are on, you will fall hard. You need to step off that path and start on a new one. Life can be a beautiful journey.
Look at Trapt, he is not dwelling on what could have been. He has picked himself up, dusted off and moving forward with his life.
So many people get stuck in a rut trying to figure out what went wrong that they can't see the big picture. It takes 2 to make a marriage work and 2 to make a marriage crumble. Don't be the victim of the circumstances any longer. Be a survivor. Get out there and start your new, better life. I know you can do this if you would just let go of the past. Pack up anything in the house that is your xh's. Pack away any pictures of him. If you need to, put one in your sock drawer that you can pull out if needed but don't have many reminders of him around. Heck, if I could afford it I would sell everything I have and start over fresh.
You can do this Sunshine. Everyone here has been giving great advice, you just need to choose to use it. Again, let go of your xh and anything to do with him and move on with your life. Don't sit back and waste precious moments. I waited 4 years for my stbx and now feel I wasted that time. That is 4 years I will never get back. I am going to make the next however many years I am alive count. No more dwelling on what could have been. I am now moving on to what will be. I will be 42 years old in May and in the prime of my life. I am going to enjoy myself and live my life to the fullest. You can do the same, you just have to want it.
