Holding onto Hope

[In Limbo]

Thanks Sandi. I did not confront him about tonight. I did suggest casually that maybe since it wasn't a class that I could go with him, just to see his reaction. I've never seen anyone change the subject so fast in my life and the flash of fear in his eyes almost made me giggle. He knows that I'm upset about his distance and blew it off, but thinks his secret about tonight is safe. I'm not sure I can hold out when he comes home tonight but will try. It makes me feel used for him to come home from dancing with her into my bed, even if dancing was all there was. While seeing OW is disrespectful, I find being lied to much more disrespectful and it makes me doubt everything about him and question everything. I'd rather him just be upfront. Why would he not just be upfront? Is it the guilt b/c he knows it's wrong? Is it just not wanting to hurt me? Is it wanting to keep things going until he decides? I just don't get it.
As for the lies, how do you live this way - not being able to trust anything someone says? Even if he were to decide to come back, how would I know he wasn't still playing me? Any insight into that? I guess part of the answer for now is to just try to not wonder, worry, care where he is or what he's doing with whom. After 21 years, that's SO hard to do.
I got on the treadmill this morning and have lost more than 30 lbs now. God has taken away my desire to comfort myself with food, which was my version of self-medication. That's been a blesssing. I still have a lot more to lose unfortunately but think by summer I can be where I want to be for ME.

Thanks Sandi!