Your relationship with your H and OW is going to be as dynamic as any other relationship in your life. It's going to be good sometimes and very poor at other times. During this period when everything is so raw - it is obviously going to be a sensitive relationship.
There is so much of it you can't control. You can't control if he'll deal with you. You can't control what level of enthusiasm he has for his parental responsiblities. You can't do anything about any of the decisions he makes - and ultimately that's the part that is stressing you out.
I was a step-mother thoughout most of my 20s and early 30s and I had to deal with the children's mother. I wasn't the OW. My husband and his first wife had divorced 5 years before I started seeing him and so to some extent a lot of the anger between them was gone. but that's not to say I wasn't jealous of their shared history.
I was a horrible next wife. She must have hated me. As I grew up (and I was only 24 when I first got together with him - he was 40) I understood that she was no threat to me and I mellowed. Now I have a better relationship with her than I do with my (then) husband!
When my H and I separated (I left him first) he hooked up with a woman within 3 weeks. I was devestated. Even though I didn't want him, I didn't want anyone else to have him. I behaved appaulingly. I crank called them, I drank and dialled, I wrote him letters telling him how much I hated her. I'm so ashamed of myself in hindsight.
Eventually he initiated divorce proceedings - which I was fine with by that stage - but when there was a stuff up with the paper work and a time delay he had no choice but to tell me we had to push it through because he was marrying her in a week. The divorce came through on the day they got married. I don't even know if that's legal ... but not my problem.
It's been nearly 2 years now since they married and he calls me regularly, but she would kill him if she knew. She is terribly jealous of me and my relaitonship with him and the kids. the kids are grown now and they keep in regular contact with me too.
If and when she's ready to have a relationship with me - I'll probably entertain it (I know her well, she and her deceased husband and my husband - now hers - and I were best friends) because it will be better for weddings, christenings and funerals that we are civil to each other than estranged - but it all takes time.
I do know how hard this is for you my friend - but it just takes time. you need to give yourself that. Take each day one step at a time. you'll get there.
prayers, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
