If your spouse is remarried or remarrying please post. Also, if you are having problems with OW and your kids please post about it. I really would like to hear others stories concerning this.
I have had 15 years of dealing with my XH and his OW/now wife. My sitch is one of worst-case scenarios (excluding criminal behavior). They have never shown remorse and continually blame me for everything. I have come to realize that they have done things for years to get me to react. It has taken me a VERY long time to learn to ignore them and what they do as long as my children were not in harms way.
Be thankful that your S is older and you don't have to deal with them in raising him.
Your relationship with your H and OW is going to be as dynamic as any other relationship in your life. It's going to be good sometimes and very poor at other times. During this period when everything is so raw - it is obviously going to be a sensitive relationship.
There is so much of it you can't control. You can't control if he'll deal with you. You can't control what level of enthusiasm he has for his parental responsiblities. You can't do anything about any of the decisions he makes - and ultimately that's the part that is stressing you out.
I was a step-mother thoughout most of my 20s and early 30s and I had to deal with the children's mother. I wasn't the OW. My husband and his first wife had divorced 5 years before I started seeing him and so to some extent a lot of the anger between them was gone. but that's not to say I wasn't jealous of their shared history.
I was a horrible next wife. She must have hated me. As I grew up (and I was only 24 when I first got together with him - he was 40) I understood that she was no threat to me and I mellowed. Now I have a better relationship with her than I do with my (then) husband!
When my H and I separated (I left him first) he hooked up with a woman within 3 weeks. I was devestated. Even though I didn't want him, I didn't want anyone else to have him. I behaved appaulingly. I crank called them, I drank and dialled, I wrote him letters telling him how much I hated her. I'm so ashamed of myself in hindsight.
Eventually he initiated divorce proceedings - which I was fine with by that stage - but when there was a stuff up with the paper work and a time delay he had no choice but to tell me we had to push it through because he was marrying her in a week. The divorce came through on the day they got married. I don't even know if that's legal ... but not my problem.
It's been nearly 2 years now since they married and he calls me regularly, but she would kill him if she knew. She is terribly jealous of me and my relaitonship with him and the kids. the kids are grown now and they keep in regular contact with me too.
If and when she's ready to have a relationship with me - I'll probably entertain it (I know her well, she and her deceased husband and my husband - now hers - and I were best friends) because it will be better for weddings, christenings and funerals that we are civil to each other than estranged - but it all takes time.
I do know how hard this is for you my friend - but it just takes time. you need to give yourself that. Take each day one step at a time. you'll get there.
prayers, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Virginia thank you for responding. I have so many questions for you. Fist I would love to know, if you dont mind me getting a little personal, what attracted you at 24 to a 40 year old man? My xh is marrying a 26 year old woman and he is 41. I noticed him looking at younger women and flirting, even in fron of me, a few years ago. What exactly is the attraction. My xh doesnt have money. So what could it be and will it last, in your opinion. They only met 2 or 3 months ago.
Fist I would love to know, if you dont mind me getting a little personal, what attracted you at 24 to a 40 year old man?
Sun – I knew you would ask that – and I’m not certain the answer will help you. Everyone’s relationship is different and I’m not sure that telling you that I was attracted to him because he was tall, dark, hot, clever, funny, caring, great company and rich as a Lord who I had a wonderful relationship with for 11 years is in any way relevant to your situation.
My X and I broke up because I grew up. Despite 11 fantastic years as I became more mature, better educated, more successful, improved self confidence, better able to look after myself – all because of his amazing and uncompromising support and encouragement – I outgrew him. By the time we separated he was just over 50 and looking forward to retiring, playing golf, going fishing and spending every holiday in New Zealand.
I was in my early 30s ambitious, looking forward to working harder and making greater strides in my career, bike riding, bush walking and travelling the Silk Road one year and the Nepalese mountains the next. Our values and expectations for life changed.
That’s the biggest risk for relationships where there is an age difference – particularly when you don’t have shared responsibilities like children – you just get to different places in your life.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Walking my xh had 11 years on the police force. 8 years as a fire chief and loved going fishing. He had 4 or 5 vacations a year and 4 of them were taken on fishing trips. The man loved and breathed fishing. That was his time to relax. He would take our son fishing one week and he went with his buddies the rest. Then one week was with me and son as a family wherever I wanted to go. We had a great life....Until he got fired. He started becoming irresponsible and seemed not to care what he done. His best friend retired from the force and after that he could have cared less. I dont know if his friend leaving had any bearing or not but this is the time, about 2 years ago, that he started to change. He got fired and then turned around and quit being Chief at the fire dept. He started working out like crazy and then shortly after, maybe a year or so, left us. Now he has this 26 year old and has basically given up the one thing he loved the most FISHING. I dont understand what happened to him. This time last year or the year before he would have been on the lake for sure.
Walking my xh had 11 years on the police force. 8 years as a fire chief and loved going fishing. He had 4 or 5 vacations a year and 4 of them were taken on fishing trips. The man loved and breathed fishing. That was his time to relax. He would take our son fishing one week and he went with his buddies the rest. Then one week was with me and son as a family wherever I wanted to go. We had a great life....Until he got fired. He started becoming irresponsible and seemed not to care what he done. His best friend retired from the force and after that he could have cared less. I dont know if his friend leaving had any bearing or not but this is the time, about 2 years ago, that he started to change. He got fired and then turned around and quit being Chief at the fire dept. He started working out like crazy and then shortly after, maybe a year or so, left us. Now he has this 26 year old and has basically given up the one thing he loved the most FISHING. I dont understand what happened to him. This time last year or the year before he would have been on the lake for sure.
If you don't mind me asking, why did he get fired from the police force? What does he do now?
Braveheart he got fired because he dropped a DUI charge on a lady. Some say for favors from her and her friends. 2 other police officers were involved they said. Now he works as a Supervisor over housekeeping at a local Nursing Home. He started out as mainteance worker. A far call from a Police Sgt. (Yep he was a Sgt.) Some say he wouldnt have lost his job if he hadnt have smarted off to the boss. He was careless and had been for a little while. Especially after his buddy retired from the force. In fact his buddy's wife is his boss where he works now.
Braveheart do you think losing the job could have really thrown him into depression. I thought he would always be a cop. I think he was sad after his friend left and then when he lost his job, he really went off the deepend. Everybody that knew him said he was a totally different person.
Braveheart do you think losing the job could have really thrown him into depression. I thought he would always be a cop. I think he was sad after his friend left and then when he lost his job, he really went off the deepend. Everybody that knew him said he was a totally different person.
It doesn't sound to me like he is depressed. I think that your XH is a WAH, I just think he walked off and isn't going to look back. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings by saying this, but its what I believe. Do I think his marriage to his new girl will last? NOPE! Do I think he will come running back to you after they break up? NOPE! Renee, these people would rather live in lice than admit they did wrong! Trust me on that one! Love, you just need to work on you and rebuild your live without him!
