After reading this last post I am reminded so much of how I felt when I first broke off the EA with my OM. I hope I don't repeat myself b/c I have told so many people my "story" until I honestly forget who I have said this to. Anyway, after what you said about where she works, it gives me a better picture of things. I also feel that she is doing the same thing that I did. Now, this may not make you feel that great b/c it isn't really what the H wants to hear. But, the things is this; I had to make a decision between staying in my M or leaving my H for the OM. I decided to do what I knew in my heart was the "right" thing to do, which was stay in my M. Now my heart, feeling, emotions and all of those things my H wanted me to have just was not there at that point and time of my decision. I think that is the same thing with your wife. She chose to make the "right" descion but her heart will take time to catch up to her decision. That is why it is a good thing that you are moving very, very slowly. I might add that you need to move maybe a tad more slowly. Don't mean to discourage you, but just telling you from my POV. I know you are anxious to get back to where your M needs to be and I think if you keep going by "what works" like you are, that it will get there. BTW, I like that!

I was not a happy camper by any means when I first decided to stay b/c it was not what I really wanted but rather b/c I could not afford to support myself without help from my H and I knew he would not give me a penny. So, my "real" decision to stay did not come until after I came here to the DB board and got some help from good people who gave me valuable advice. It took a while before I could break it off and it took what seem forever before I started to even "try" to warm up to my H b/c the feelings for him seemed completely gone.

Regarding your W's sexual desire. It is very possible that she needs some type of hormone that her body is lacking. Hormones make up most of the female body and if that is out of whack, then she is depressed or has not sex desire, or she is b*tchy, or something else is wrong.

I'll tell you a secret about me, okay. Since it is just the two of us talking here....lol. I had been on several anti-depression meds for years and had been to several doctors trying to get help with my Fibromyalgia. I was so over medicated! Anyway, I just stopped taking any AD meds altogether. When I stopped, my sex drive returned! I had always had a LD, but this was like a gift from heaven! But the timing was not good b/c this was when I got into playing the Internet games and got to fllirting and one thing led to another and you know the rest of the story. But I was so thrilled to actually "feel" turned on. I know this is getting very personal, but I just don't know any other way. So, after I got back on the AD meds, guess what happened? Yep. And, even with the EA with OM........I could tell a vast difference b/c he was no longer giving me the excitement that I was getting when I was off the AD meds. Oh, I enjoyed talking to him over the Internet, but as far as anything else......it wasn't there.

Anyway, here a few weeks ago, I went to a new doctor and he run all types of blood tests that I have been wanting done.....and would even ask doctors to check, but they were not doing the detailed break-down of certain hormones, etc. Well, guess what? He said my body was a "trainwreck". I was so lacking in so many hormones that he said it would take quite a while to build my body back to "normal". In fact, he gave me just a few things to take at a time so he would know how it was working for me.

Now I told you all of that so you would know that your wife could be suffering from the lack of any number of hormones. And, if she is taking any AD meds, it will affect her sex drive. There is only one, I know of that is not as bad as the others, but I think they all affect it some. Zoloft is the worst, I believe.

Having children can get a female's body out of whack and stay that way for years. So, if you could get her to a doctor that would really do a blood panel work-up to see what all she needs, then I bet it would make a huge difference. If she is a nurse, then she would know what to call it. I'm surprised that she hasn't had it seen about since she is a nurse.

Anyway, Stuck, I think she is trying......okay? If you can just treat her like you said about a new date......that is pretty much the way it is. Just as if you were trying to win over a new girl's attention and affections. In my day, a boy knew to make his moves in baby steps or he may get his face slapped.... but I don't think it is that slow these days...lol. I think it is the way you'll have to go though. You can do it. You are doing it!

She is going through a process, as you probably know, about getting over the OM. I hate to say this and never have admitted it, but I will confess it here and now.......there are times, still, when I feel down or lonely or whatever, that for just a minute I have a desire to talk to the OM to see how he is, etc. In other words, I miss the "friendship"......if you can believe that. It probably turns your stomach to hear me say that, but where my H is not a talker, and I obviously am......the OM would talk to me and of course, build up my ego and I enjoyed the conversations we had. But, I won't go there again. I learned my lesson. The point I'm making is how powerful these EA's are and even when they are over......once in a while a little memory comes floating out of nowhere and hits your brain. So, I have to fight that urge to email him.......which, thank God, is not a big urge anymore. So, she is having a battle all the time she is trying to learn to feel like a wife to you again. I truly think she "wants" to find old self and her old life again. I know I did. I just wanted my life back again. Yeah, the one I was ready to run away from......that one!

I realize I have made this too long. But in closing, let me again encourage you to try to keep things at home and between the two of you as "light" and "fun" as you can and don't allow any serious relationship stuff get in the middle of things. Try to fight that with all your might. I may have told you this, but my H has been so strong in not asking me questions about the OM (of course he read the emails....so he knew about everything) but he doesn't question me and he doesn't spy on me. He waited for me to bring things up as I felt like I could. I did not think I would ever mention any of it to him again, but I have in little bits and pieces. It took a long time for me to feel true remorse for what I had done. That surprised me. Maybe b/c I had to deal with some bad feeling toward my H first. But, I finally could tell my H I was sorry, but it took time. He has not made any moves toward me and has waited on me to show him affection. It's ironic that now he has health problems that....well, we won't get into all of that. But, it is still taking time and I am hoping that if this new doctor can get my body back on track and I can start to feel like the real "Sandi" again, that that will make the biggest difference in our lives. I know I hurt my H beyound belief. It has been husbands like you, Stuck, that has helped me understand better. My H would not talk to me and he would not go to counseling for us to get help, so you guys have been my counselors. I appreciate that and just wanted you to know it.

Better go b/c it is way past bedtime. I want you to keep in touch with me so I will know how things are going. BTW, what is her favorite fun thing to do? You might think about something like that before too much on the romantic lines. When she gets real comfortable with you (like when the two of you were in bed) she will relax and feel more at ease and hopefully just fall into that next step of the romance and love making. Sure hope so!

Take care friend. Thanks for listening to me tonight.

Sandi

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!