My personality before going through this would be to react by threatening to stomp her. I would already have got in her face and said "ok, its on". That was the old me, that was how I had been since birth. Not afraid to stand up to anyone. My h and my son was something you didnt mess with. You see, thats how I was when my xh left me. That is why he says he cant trust me because he knows how I was. BUT the key word here is HOW. He has NO CLUE how much I have bitten my tongue and held back. So really I am fighting a battle within myself NOT to react. I know what the outcome will be. I know I could wind up in jail or with a restraining order against me. I know this. It is sooooo hard for me to do NOTHING. I dont think my xh knows what she writes or maybe he does, it doesnt matter I guess. Its like I was fighting a battle with him and now he has a tagged team partner. I feel like I cant win. BUT I know I can. I CAN DO THIS.. I CAN REFRAIN MYSELF.. I CAN DO THIS.. I WILL NOT PLAY HER GAME..
BUT, when do we draw the line with something like this? How far should I let her go?
You are taking it personally, when you have no idea why it's being done.
Maybe your XH IS proud of his son for getting a job, and in turn she put it out there and attached herself to it. Why are you thinking it is some diabolical plan to hurt you?
Stay out of it- don't look. What you don't know can't hurt you. This is, by the way, only hurting YOU. In that respect, it really isn't about your son at all, is it?
She is not doing this to YOU. She is not calling you, visiting you, etc. She is posting something that you do not have to look at. Again, this is not about YOU.
If you stop looking it sounds as if all contact with her ends.
I understand how you are feeling, sunshine. You only got the bomb 7 months ago and that is a very short time compared to 20 years together.
You sound a lot like me in that your whole identity was wrapped up with your H and while you must know that wasn't healthy for you (or your H), it is still a very hard thing to change what has basically become "hare wired" into our brain.
Everyone here has given you good advice which is right on in most cases, but unfortunately we each have to take our own journey. Knowing what we need to do, and believing and embracing are completely different things. We all get there in our own time.
So, I guess I'm saying to try not to be hurt too much by some of the seeming "heavy handedness" of some advice here. I know it is well meant. But also remember that only you can walk in your shoes. So, be kind to yourself and don't worry too much about doing the right DB thing. It's good that you keep looking for answers I think. That shows strength and courage. But remember that it is possible to overthink, and that can tie us up in knots!!
As for the myspace thing. I understand your pain. The truth is that you need to weigh what the repercussions are to your actions. You might think that you will at least feel better for having "stood up for yourself and spoken your mind" by talking to your XH or the OW........but in all probability, in your current mental/emotional state, you would just be showing her (and him) that she has the power to hurt you. My advice is don't give her that power.
Hang in there!!
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
I know she does this to try and hurt me because the last time I left my xh a voicemail asking him to help with his son a pair of shoes, she put on her myspace that is was very amused and loved by xxxx (xh). She also wrote once that some women need to grow up. Stuff like that, and my xh told me she put that stuff on there to get to me. He told me that himself. She is 26 years old! She answered his phone and told me I COULD NOT speak with him and hung up on me. Yes you are right, I shouldnt look. I dont seem to be able to stop looking. I wish so much that I could. I really dread how she will act after they are married. I believe right now if in an emergency, she WOULD NOT let my xh speak with me. In that case what do I do. (thats what I mean by how far should I let her go)
OK, first, as you've been told, don't look, and ask people not to tell you.
Let it go. You can't control her. And every time you react, I bet she does a happy dance! Stop reacting, and she just might stop it! When you react, you play right into her hands, and let her use your reaction to prove to your XH that he made the right choice.
As far as what to do in an emergency.... what emergency could there be that you HAVE to tell H about? Really and truly? What could you possibly need, or even want his help for?
I am only reacting HERE VH. I havent reacted to her comments in a long time. I stopped doing that hoping she would see that I didnt care and would stop. She still hasnt and I dont know if she will. They both think that I am home crying over my xh. I miss him, I still love him but I no longer sob myself to sleep over him. I have good days and every now and then a bad day. It mostly has been about my son lately. As far as emergency, I hope I never have. I am speaking of a true emergency. What I am worried about is....this is the beginning of an adult life for my son. Some day there will be grandkids and I would hope that we could all get along for son and his family. I think that is a ways off though.
In the beginning of this I was told NO CONTACT. I was thinking ok, no contact for a week or two, I can do this. I didnt know they meant NO CONTACT for A YEAR or so. I have backslid a few times but have gotten better. The NO CONTACT has been going longer for me now and I hope I can go even longer, because its what I need to do.
