Hi. My h and I have been sleeping in seperate beds since April 6th. He says he thinks he wants a divorce, but not 100% sure. But he says it's the predominate way he's thinking. We have a 2 year old daughter, and he doesn't want to leave her. But, he says he doesn't love me anymore, and he's met someone in a chatroom, but hasn't physically met her. But, he's keeping in contact with her. How do I do the LRT while living in the same house. I'm also confused because he says I've always put our daughter first and never showed him I love him. Well, now that I want to show him, the LRT is telling me not to. But a 180 for me would be to show him more affection.....I don't know what to do! Any help is appreciated......
Hi, sorry you got here but you will get great help. We all do/did!
How did you respond to what he said? He has admitted being in an EA and that means that his mind is somewhere else.
At this point you cant control what he does, if he will meet that person or not or what he is thinking. You can only control yourself and your goal would be to make yourself "attractive" again. A baby usually takes a toll on us women, we neglect ourselves, our priorities change and that many times causes the couple to drift apart. Can you tell us a bit more about your sitch? How old are you, howl ong you've been together, are you working, your relationship dynamics, any other changes in his behavior, etc etc... Dont be shy, the more info you feel comfortable giving, the better people can help by giving you their thoughts.
Read some threads here, try and find the advice to newcomers, when you feel comfortable enough post to some people you feel their sitch is similar to yours or you feel you can relate.
Take it slow and try to be calm. I know it sucks, I've been there but believe me, you can deal with it. Good luck K
Luckily, I responded pretty calmly because when he told me,I had already been reading db books. Yes, it keeps me up all night thinking about him chatting it up with some other woman online (I often wonder if it's someone from his past and not a new person), but I never bring her up in our conversations.
And yes, you're right...a baby does take a toll. I love my little girl very much, but I haven't put myself first for anything in a long time, which this "bomb" has made me realize. It's only been 3 weeks, but I've lost some weight and tried to get "dressed up" more often, which makes me feel better about myself. And, I know he see's these changes, but he always says he doesn't know if I can change for good.
It's just so hard to do the LRT while he's coming home for dinner, playing with our daughter afterwards, and then around 9 or 10 at night saying goodnight and going to the basement....it really tries my patience!
Anyway, thanks so much for responding, I think this site is going to help me very much!
Lucky you!! I was down on my knees for 6 months, changed anything I could change to please him, begged, cried, blew up etc etc.
First thing you need to do is focus on you. Try to decifer your feelings and keep them in control. Make a list of small goals and try to achieve those. What could your goals be?
When I said attractive I didnt only mean physically. Try and get him curious about your changes. Consistency is the key here. All WAS wonder if our changes are for real. The only way to make them believe us is MAKE them real, for us, and be consistent. It is very good that he noticed already. In some cases it takes months for the WAS to aknowledge that. In my case my H told me he did notice only when he asked back. Were you having problems before the baby?
I know you are in a lot of pain but you know what? You sound good. K
You also sound like you are doing things very well.
My thoughts: Right now the focus is on him. Take K's advice and that will begin to change. That's a good thing. Find out what your husband is really asking for. What I mean is, it sounds like he's lonely for you. Like he wasn't getting something he needed from the relationship. Find out what that is (indirectly I would guess). Look good and feel good about yourself. Confidence is attractive.
It is really hard. Be sure to make up your mind about what you want later, because you will be tested about it later. It'll help to fall back on.
Be sure to sleep. That's hard, but you need to do it.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks Kalni. I'm glad I sound good, but I don't feel it! When you asked about goals....I have a few personal goals: 1. lose some weight 2. let H spend more time with D2(he says I never let him) 3. get a part time job in evenings and weekends (i stay at home with D2 during the day) But really my overall goal right now is to be back together by the 1st of June for the family vacation/reunion (my side of the family) to the beach.
He says he was thinking about leaving right before I got pregnant. I'll give you a little background (I'll try to make this as short as possible We met senior year in HighSchool. Dated for one year:cheated on me. Found out after the fact:he begged me to come back. I came back. A year later, he said he wanted a break. I met someone I worked with and ended up engaged after 2 months of dating. My now H begged me to come back, didn't for a few months. But ended up calling off engagment to other guy and getting back together with now H. Now H and I dated off and on for few years. (I'm pretty sure he cheated on me again-but never knew for sure like the 1st time) He moved to a different state after graduating college-we tried long distance, but didn't work. I ended up moving to that state,under false pretenses because my best friend lives there. But really I was hoping to get back together. He wasn't interested and I was devestated. Started dating someone else. That ended up making him CRAZY jealous. After a few months he just shows up and proposes. I say no. After a few months, I change my mind and say yes. We get married and live in that state together, buy a house. I complain that I want us to go back to our home state, so we move back. Once we move back, he says he never wanted to leave and we shouldn't have moved...he's mad at me for the move. We buy too big a house we can't afford and fight about money all the time!!!! I get pregnant.....you know the rest!
Thanks AJM. It's nice to get a male's perspective. I know he says I wasn't affectionate enough. But I feel like he thinks it's too late and if I try to show affection now, it just seems needy or desperate. But, I want him to know that I've changed. Should I be loving towards him? The LRT says no, so I'm not sure?
Also, what do you mean by "what I want later"? You mean if the relationship works out, what do I want?
You've met some of the fantastic people here already, and I'm sure you will get to know more the longer you are here.
I do have one question about your sitch. You have said multiple times that you are in the LRT. I'm a little curious about that. Why exactly are you using the LRT? Is it because you don't feel that he will respond to your advances? Have you had any conversations about the R or MC or even IC for the two of you?
Normally (which I say firmly tongue-in-cheek, because every sitch is different and there really is no 'normal' here) you reserve the LRT for when everything else has failed to work. I'm just curious if you have tried everything else at this point.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Yes, everyone here has been very helpful. Um, well when my H started talking serious about this and then told me about the EA, I panicked! I asked him if he was sure he didn't want to sleep in our bed a couple of nights with him rejecting that. I also, kept telling him how I can change and that we can work this out. But, he's been persistant in saying he's pretty sure he wants a divorce. And then I read DB and DR and decided to use the LRT. And I have changed alot of things about myself and being sweeter to him (for example:getting up every morning to make his breakfast-which he always hinted at, but I never did, and I know that's kinda oppsite with the LRT, but it's 180 for me, so I keep doing it?) I've done that every morning, and he says thank you, but when we talk about all the changes later he mostly says "why couldn't you have done all this before".What am I supposed to say to that? I'm making positive changes and he sees that, but won't accept it. I guess that's why I'm using the LRT. Is there anything else I should be doing without seeming needy or desperate-(that's something else he has said about my changes-I seem desperate)
Oh yeah, I have a couple of more questions for anyone who might be able to help: 1. I want to know soooooo much about this EA and the woman herself, but I haven't asked anything. Should I? I mean I want to know and I don't because maybe "what you don't know won't kill you" might work. But, is it a mistake for our relationship if I do want to break down and ask about her? 2. Our 6 year anniversay is this Sunday. He hasn't said anything about it. Frankly, I don't think he would have remembered except for the fact that we got a card from his mom today. But, he still hasn't said anything. How should I handle Sunday?
